to have taken her laptop and phone?

[biggirlknickers]

DD aged 12 has a phone and a laptop (the laptop was for Christmas) which she spends most of her time on in her room. It’s been bugging me actually and I’ve thinking about setting some firmer boundaries as she basically has unfettered access to screens / internet, is spending all her time alone in her room and I’m not comfortable with that.

Tonight she told me she’d changed her laptop password. I asked what she’d changed it to and she refused to tell me. A big row ensued, with me reminding her that she has all these devices and access to wifi on the understanding that we can check her online activity any time we want. She says she “hates” not having privacy and she’s not stupid and can we stop checking etc etc. She would not accept any of my answers / explanations and would not stop, typically for her just going on and on, getting more and more wound up, so eventually (after warning) I asked for her phone and laptop and said if she’s lucky she can have them back at some point tomorrow.

I’m thinking now that I really need to lay down some rules / expectations before handing them back. She’s become far too addicted to her screens, spends almost no time in the family room with us and her little sister, is generally surly and grumpy with us all, poor manners and does no regular chores around the house - she will do odd jobs when asked, under duress. She blamed us this morning when she had no clean pants to wear. She hadn’t put any in the wash basket. Her little sister thinks she hates her, as she is so dismissive and unpleasant to her a lot of the time.

A lot of this I put down to her being 12 - a tricky age no doubt - but on the other hand I really need to instil some basic manners, cooperation and good habits. I think I’m letting her down by not having strong enough boundaries and expectations.

So - AIBU to have taken her laptop and phone until tomorrow evening?
AND
What boundaries / rules / expectations do you have for your 12 year olds regarding screen time, privacy, chores and basic manners?

I need help!
TIA

I'm talking about texts not social media. Imagine your mum hearing your conversations when you were 12. About gossip boys, her feelings. None of her mum's business. This is the way she will have to communicate with her friends. I'm really talking about reading texts not other stuff which shouldn't be a diary

My yr8 grandson has had in-depth lessons at school about online safety so he's aware of the whys and whats. His mum let's him use YouTube on his ipad (usually he's checking how to play his ps4 games) but it cuts off at 9pm every night and he contacts school friends on WhatsApp or Facetime but he knows Mum regularly checks his gadgets and he understands why. His ipad and phone are left downstairs at bedtime. It's important that your daughter gets the balance right between privacy and safety and if there's a problem with the boundaries you set then turn off the WiFi. This is one of the most important piece of parenting you need to get right - you are the adult. Good luck.

I am the administrator for devices in this house, so I would set that up when she gives you the password and set her up as a standard user. For her phone is it apple or android, with either you can set up family accounts and keep tabs on screentime/apps used etc.

Go into your broadband and set filters, block websites you don't want her to access and set time limits for her devices.

Tiktok is really awful, I clicked on something and ended up on it by accident.. it was genitalia, sporner stuff, injury all on that first page of thumbnails. Absolutely shocking.

That's before even considering DMs on Instagram, or other avenues of communication where she could be targeted or groomed.

Please review everything she has looked at, websites and apps.

The danger of uncontrolled access to the internet for young people really can't be overstated. It's not like it was back in the 90s or 2000s

How is she meant to message her friends in a Pandemic?! You can block dangerous content and apps and not have a massive invasion of privacy

How will she do remote learning now? She needs to give you her password, or you can re-set it to factory settings and set your own pin/password which she’s not allowed to change.

She's really not old enough (or mature enough) to have unfiltered and unlimited access to internet. You have no idea who she is talking to.

A police officer told me that if a young person goes missing, the faster you can access their devices, the more chance you have of helping them/preventing harm to them.

Take control as an adult and put some safety measures in place if you are going to return the devices.

Also, I would insist on having the current password to see who she's been talking to before she deletes it.

The danger of uncontrolled access to the internet for young people really can't be overstated. It's not like it was back in the 90s or 2000s

Well, my kids are fucked for Internet privacy because of what we were getting up to as children / young teens in the early 2000s. We arranged meet ups with god knows who, used to tell them to meet us at the shop we could see from my bedroom window. Then just watch them turn up and laugh. We were 12/13, so many grown ass old men. It didn't seem really fucking sinister then, looking back it gives me chills.

OP I would be asking what a 12 year old suddenly needs Internet privacy for. Just becuase you don't think she has access to any other SM does not mean she doesn't have them. We were getting round Internet blocks at school in 2004. I can only imagine that software has gotten more advanced over the years.

Stand firm, persoanlly I won't be allowing products that can connect to the Internet in bedrooms at all. Living room only until thay are at least 14.

If she wants a journal, get her a notebook with a lock on it like we had to!

I’m with the others who do not allow TikTok - it’s algorithm can supply fluffy kittens or pro-ana and suicide stuff, and it’s trained very easily and isn’t controllable.

I think she can expect privacy for messages / emails unless there’s a reason for you to look, but beyond that you should have administrator control over her laptop. So she should have screen time limits set (with the ability to ask for more), time cut offs so she can’t use it late at night, blocked access to unsuitable sites (I include YouTube in that, I know others disagree), requirement to ask permission to download apps, ask permission to buy anything online etc.

That’s what I’ve got for my 12yo. Who is lovely and sensible and I trust, but... she’s 12. I’ve been caught out online, and I’m much older. She knows why the restrictions are there, and we negotiate and change them frequently, so it’s not set in stone and it will change as she grows.

When you were 12 you wouldn't want your mum to hear your conversations with your friends. She can block strangers and have privacy. It's not one or the other. How can you ask how a tween would need privacy from their mum?! In a Pandemic?! Of course she'll need a lot of screen time and that can be controlled so she has privacy and isn't talking to strangers

She's 12 not 16 she is still developing the social and emotional skills to navigate this stuff. Unfettered access is a no here, (11 and nearly 14). No devices in rooms, qustodio to manage content and limit time and lots and lots of talking and (for the nearly 14 yr old) slow freedoms.

My 11 year old has a certain amount of screen time he has to stick to (excluding online lessons) each day. 3.5 hours on a weekday and 5.5 hours on the weekend. This includes TV/laptop/games/phone. In addition tiktok automatically shuts off after 1.5 hours in one day. Rest of the time he has to entertain himself in whatever way he likes... Just no screens!

The way I see if; if your not guilty of anything you have no reason to ‘hate’ someone checking your device at 12 years old.

I’m 24 now; but I had the same thing happen with my mum.. I refused to let her take my phone when I was 14.. because I’d sent pictures of me in my underwear to my then ‘boyfriend’.

They ended up on the internet; Twitter ect.

Lesson learnt, but it was a very tough and humiliating lesson to learn. - even my fiancé of 6 years now has never received and will never receive a photo like that.

Protect your daughter; if she won’t let you view her devices then take them away until she gives you access; and then lay down the ‘spot’ check rules (but don’t tell her) - when she’s on her laptop one evening- just insist she pass it to you then and there.. no ‘wait a minute’.

There was a thread on here not so long ago from a poster who was devastated to discover that her 12 year old daughter was sending nude pictures on Instagram. She had no idea until her daughter told her. I think it ended up with police involvement. Tough hard lesson for anyone to learn but particularly a child. Online activity is not the same as writing in a diary.

I think my original point was misunderstood. I don't think social media use should be like a diary. At 12 that is something to monitor. My point was in a Pandemic all her conversations with friends will be via technology. Reading private messages between her and her school friends is what I meant by eavesdropping. She can have settings so only her school friends can message her but at 12 even though I didn't do anything bad I would be against my mum seeing my texts even though they were mainly memes (it doesn't mean she's sending nudes). My point was on it not being a black and white issue. Being away from her friends she'll need more screen time to chat and deserves some privacy. That's why I suggested settings for the device blocking unwanted apps/messages so there could be a compromise between private girly chats between friends and knowing there's nothing harmful. My friends parents who were VERY strict on screens often had trust issues with their kids and the girl just learned to hack her parents. What's more important is putting the knowledge into your daughter to not do anything that could be used against her and let her know she can come to you if she needs. I'm not saying let her have free reign at 12. And I am not saying social media is like a diary!!! But don't take away any access to her friends in a pandemic. Have a talk with her and recognise this time is HARD. It's a time where I needed space from my parents and now she has none.

I wouldn't dream of checking my DD 13 iphone or iPad I cant think of anything more dull.
DD is very secretive but we are also very close so she is constantly showing me messages from her friends and online videos etc. She'll tell and show me things that have upset her that others have said or done.

And because I want her to tell me all of this I give her the freedom to do what she likes on her gadgets so there is trust.
If I wanted to I could check (although fat chance of that at the moment as they're constantly at home)

My DD would never send naked photos of herself. We've had that chat and she has seen photos and videos of local girls her age doing all sorts of sexual things online so she knows the severe consequences of that and how quickly every one gets to see those in every School in the City.