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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To say this is wrong?

15 replies

pramadvice · 25/01/2021 17:36

Am I being unreasonable to think that my ex husband is being unfair to say that I should buy everything for our kids because I don't work and get 'money from the government?' I'm a stay at home mum as I was when he left me. He left me for someone else so I was left to support kids alone. He's never paid anything since he left 2.5 years ago. He's bought the children the odd outfit but That's it. He sees them twice a week at the moment. Every time I say he needs to help supper then he says he works and pays bills and I get money from the government. Yes I claim benefits but that's because he won't help with childcare. He has a partner who he has a baby quickly with and now she's pregnant again, she works too and he helps her with childcare so apparently I don't deserve any support from him. I am benefit capped so don't get any help with rent, I get tax credits but it doesn't go very far and I'm expected to provide everything for the kids. I've never been difficult with contact, always allowed him to see the kids when it suits him and his partners job whilst putting my prospects on hold yet he can't help me out when I'm in need, kids need new coats and shoes and everything and it seems like it's just my responsibility. He called the kids chavs the other day to their face because they were arguing and said they live in a chavy area . Just gets me down 😒

OP posts:
Palavah · 25/01/2021 17:37

Have you made a CMS claim?

Pillowcase123 · 25/01/2021 17:39

Have you gone to CSA? He should be paying for his kids regardless of your circumstances. Do you know how much he earns? There's an online calculator that can help you work out how much he should pay.

On the other side of things, how old are your DC? Do you want to get back into work?

Oswin · 25/01/2021 17:39

Hes a scumbag. Put in a claim with Cms and dont listen to him.

Theunamedcat · 25/01/2021 17:43

Consistency is key so regular days from now on say it nicely if he asks why tell him your going back to work and put in a cms claim

Universal credit pays up to 85% of your childcare costs but be aware you need to pay it in advance there is a fund for your first month flexible support fund but they don't tell you they expect you to ask

WhereverIGoddamnLike · 25/01/2021 17:46

For god sake, just call CMS.

You both need to grow up a bit. He needs to stop being a total dick (but he wont) and you need to stop being such a door mat. Their lineage close at 8pm if I remmeber correctly, so call them now.

You dont need to ask him for child support. Just call child maintenance, open a case and let them deal with it.

vodkaredbullgirl · 25/01/2021 17:48

Call CS, my ex tried this on me. Did take 2 yrs before he coughed up.

combatbarbie · 25/01/2021 17:50

Why have you not contacted CMS? Doesn't affect benefits.

DinosaurDigestive · 25/01/2021 17:54

Definitely make a claim to the CMS!

He has to pay for his children and you don't need to listen to his crap.

You're bringing them up and doing everything you can for them while he is only bothering now and then with the odd thing. Not right at all.

Also, you shouldn't ever put your prospects on hold to suit him. You and your kids are the important ones so I would start putting you and them first. Make the claim as soon as possible.

If he kicks off then ignore it as all he will be wanting is a response and a bite from you. So don't respond to any of his charming little insults as that will get to him even more.

He needs to step up to being a father and only way that will happen is through CMS

BlueSuffragette · 25/01/2021 17:54

Yes agree. Report it to CMS and let them deal with it. Do it now.

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/01/2021 17:55

Get official child support. Does he have them at his or see them at yours?

Anything they need at his he should be buying. He’ll get a reduction in child support for regular overnight contact. He’ll also pay less than he should because he has other children now. But get whatever you’re due through official channels.

He’s not helping his partner with their children, he should parenting them, but he should also be parenting his older children with you with a regular reliable contact schedule so everyone can make plans.

DinosaurDigestive · 25/01/2021 17:56

Also, please don't listen to any of his nasty, pathetic insults. That is what an emotionally abusive pathetic so called "man" comes out with.

There are plenty of mothers who are in your situation so please don't pay any attention to what he comes out with.

nevernotstruggling · 25/01/2021 17:57

He sounds like a prince...call cms. I'm concerned the op hasn't because he is self employed and he's got other children. Call anyway. You can only do what you can do x

BonnieDundee · 25/01/2021 17:58

CMS ASAP

DinosaurDigestive · 25/01/2021 17:58

A proper contact schedule needs to be put into place as well.

He will likely moan about it but the children need stability as well as you. He shouldn't be picking and choosing as and when he has them but it will all be part of him trying to have some control by knowing it limits you and what you can do with making plans etc.

Elieza · 25/01/2021 18:19

FMs for sure. He should pay for all the children he’s bred, whether he is with the mother of them or not.

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