Do you ever feel guilty for bringing your kids into the world?

[Suamino]

I feel guilty sometimes for doing this. Especially for my 6 year old son, who has ADHD. I can't guarantee his happiness, and even for my 2nd son who doesn't have any diagnosis and is a happy chappy most of the time I still feel bad when I look at the awful state of the world and how cruel people are to each other. I worry that they'll get hurt, that one day I won't be here to pick up the pieces.

I know these two things are inevitabilities, and that part of growing up is to experience life's lessons which often involve pain, disappointment, rejection and sadness. I just find myself thinking sometimes, "what have I done?"

If I was given one wish, I would wish for my sons to be happy. Not rich, not successful at work. I think happiness is an altogether more elusive and complex goal than material gain. It agitates me that I can't secure it for them, beyond any doubt.

Is this is normal way for a mum to feel? Or am I just being silly?

YANBU at all. You can do your best for your children but ultimately you can't protect them from pain and suffering which will come their way to a greater or lesser degree.

It's always struck me as odd that as a society we don't allow people to choose to end their lives - a person is brought into existence without their consent, so they should be allowed to end their existence if they choose to.

I sometimes have similar thoughts and to an extent I guess it's normal, you want the very best for your children. I worry that they will not be able to buy a home as me and dh are struggling to buy. I do worry about polluting the planet too but know I don't do enough yet to counter this.
But I also try to steer my mind away from the idea of being 'happy' and instead hope they will be 'content' and healthy. In my opinion, happiness is a peak emotion and can't be maintained. I will aim for contentedness and secure.

YANBU I have moments when I feel like this, when times are hard, which they most definitely are at the moment. But I also have moments where we are laughing until we cry or having a cuddle and I feel so much happiness and love radiating out of us that it all seems worth it. Happiness isn’t a permanent state, it’s fleeting, but it’s what makes the sad times worthwhile. Love is permanent though, and the thing to focus on when times are hard.

I feel guilty for this all the time, but I'm a very anxious person. Every time I make a wish its that they will be happy, healthy and safe as I'm constantly worrying about accidents/illness etc but I don't think it's normal to the extent I do it!

I tried cbt but felt it was basically saying "if you can't control it, stop worrying about it" which, if I could do, I wouldn't have been having cbt!

No, I have never felt this. No human being in the whole of history has had a child to whom they could absolutely guarantee a happy life. Also, when talking about the awful state of the world, it's very easy to forget about the many very important ways that the world is now better for most people.

I daresay that your average poor or working-class person from any time before about 100 years ago would give their eye teeth to live now. I doubt they'd consider people being horrible to each other ( e.g. on social media) much of an equivalent to the hardships of daily life without modern conveniences, modern medicine, travel, quick transport, the advances in equality for women, different races etc.

I haven’t felt guilty before but I’m now worrying about what kind post-COVID world my children will have to struggle with.

I was prepared for life's ups and downs - that there would be happiness and hardships, just didn't consider climate change and worried sick about that now better informed. If i could turn back the clock, I am not sure I would have chosen to bring two children into this world.

I feel guilty for choosing such a crap father for them.

@lazylinguist

No, I have never felt this. No human being in the whole of history has had a child to whom they could absolutely guarantee a happy life. Also, when talking about the awful state of the world, it's very easy to forget about the many very important ways that the world is now better for most people.

I daresay that your average poor or working-class person from any time before about 100 years ago would give their eye teeth to live now. I doubt they'd consider people being horrible to each other ( e.g. on social media) much of an equivalent to the hardships of daily life without modern conveniences, modern medicine, travel, quick transport, the advances in equality for women, different races etc.

Great common-sense post, thank you

No not at all. I feel really pleased I have brought people who might make the world a better place into it. I regret not having more. Even though my children have various SEN I think of them as extremely lucky. They have absolutely hit the jackpot considering some of the times and places they could have been born.

I still feel bad when I look at the awful state of the world and how cruel people are to each other. I worry that they'll get hurt, that one day I won't be here to pick up the pieces

It has been the same since the dawn of time, what we're experiencing is no worse than every generation has suffered for some reason or other. Personally I am old enough to feel less anxious than I did in 1963 when we went to school knowing that if the Russian subs didn't turn round there would be nuclear war and we wouldn't be going home, Cuban missile crisis.
There will be an end to today's crisis, ready for the next.

@hansgrueber

I still feel bad when I look at the awful state of the world and how cruel people are to each other. I worry that they'll get hurt, that one day I won't be here to pick up the pieces

It has been the same since the dawn of time, what we're experiencing is no worse than every generation has suffered for some reason or other. Personally I am old enough to feel less anxious than I did in 1963 when we went to school knowing that if the Russian subs didn't turn round there would be nuclear war and we wouldn't be going home, Cuban missile crisis.
There will be an end to today's crisis, ready for the next.

What... the rising sea levels, the decimation of forests, the disappearance of glaciers.... these things will end? No they won't. I am absolutely scared of what my toddler will grow up to witness. Look at the flooding we are regularly experiencing, 2020 was the hottest year on record.

No. I don't see the point.
I try and make mine and the kids lives as happy and as positive as I can day to day and hope that they will carry that on when they fly the nest. Sitting around being fearful about glaciers or a post covid world, none of which I have any control over seems like a waste of my emotions and resources.

I was talking about this to ds earlier on today. He's currently learning about WWII and today's topic was the Holocaust. Reading about it made him quite upset, especially when it got to the bit that said it's the largest but not the only example of genocide the world has seen. I said that the world can be a horrible, shitty place to live and that I sometimes feel bad for having brought my dc into it. I then talked about how, now that they are here, they could use their lives to bring happiness and joy to people and to try their best to enjoy and make the most of it.

There is lots of data available about the many, many ways in which the world is getting better. And several whole books, including this one

Don't get me wrong - climate change needs people to be scared and do things about it. But we are wrong about most of the rest of the 'this world is in a terrible state and people are awful' stuff. Good news doesn't sell column inches.

Nope. YABU.
Don't let the doom mongers scare you out of enjoying the precious days of your LOs' childhoods. Yeah, there's bad stuff going on in the world, but there always has been and always will be. We'll fix the environment (or totally forget about it for the newest hot topic to worry about) and aliens will take over or something.
Also ADHD isn't a death sentence. I have ADHD. I've done pretty well in life.

I have had to accept that my daughter has inherited a condition from me which means that she will be in pain most days of her life, and sometimes completely incapacitated, and that she will suffer from severe anxiety which will probably require lifelong medication. And yes, that's tough.

But over the years I have seen her grow into an adult who copes with that life, and who gets a lot out of life, who wants to enjoy herself, who finds life interesting even when it's hard. She doesn't wish she wasn't alive and neither do I.

There is nothing more reassuring than seeing your children grow into capable, intelligent, good human beings.

No human being in the whole of history has had a child to whom they could absolutely guarantee a happy life

Of course.

But a huge amount of people until quite recently didn't have much choice over whether they had children or not, or how many.

I feel guilty for choosing such a crap father for them

Yes. Me too.

Yes - Son has ASD and GDD. I follow the many ASD forums and I know that the future is not good for him. None of those miracles to come along and for him to suddenly overcome obstacles or turn out to be a genius or whatever. I now know the trajectory following these forums (to date unfortunately it has followed the same path). I blame myself for making a decision that brought a person into this world who will face a lot of struggles and many mnay mental health issues.

It's always struck me as odd that as a society we don't allow people to choose to end their lives - a person is brought into existence without their consent, so they should be allowed to end their existence if they choose to.

Totally agree with the above @contrmary.
I won't be bringing any into the world as I don't feel particularly pleased about being here myself, as well as the other factors that play into it such as climate change etc.

Not sad they are in the world but l do worry what will become of them , l would love grabdchildren but fear what life they would have tbh.

Grandchildren

In the last few years, given the news about climate change, yes I feel very guilty. The pandemic has just underlined that.