AIBU?

[nra1234]

Sorry a few bits to this...

Our Daughter is 8 months old and has never been a good sleeper, naps and night times. Serval times my MIL has brought up letting her cry it out which both me and my husband have told her we don't want to do.

Anyway she is due to go to nursery when she is 1 but we can't afford for her to go everyday so the MIL has offered to have her once a week. She has asked that she starts to look after her once a week from now so they can build up more of a relationship (with covid we haven't been able to see them anywhere as much as we normally would have, and our baby is very clingy most likely due to the fact she's hardly got to know anyone other than me and my husband)

She has looked after her twice and both times I've come to collect her my daughter has been in tears lay on the playmat in the middle of the living room, really crying and my MIL hasn't been in the room. I know this as the window is looking out on the driveway so I can see in before she even knows I'm there. I've no idea how long she's been like that but when I've gone in my daughter has been in a right state. I'm really reluctant to send her again and haven't told my husband why but he clearly knows something is up.

AIBU to not want to send her again?

I've not spoken to my MIL nor my husband, I'm just someone who really hates conflict.

You need to speak to your husband about it and say why you don’t want mil to look after her

What were you going to do if MIL hadn't offered to have her once per week? I'd go with that plan if you are not happy to leave her with MIL.

You need to be able to pay for full time childcare if you need it for both you and DP to work, or change your working patterns - one of you drop a day? What if MIL suddenly became unable to look after your child anyway? Hospitalised, cancer diagnosis, anything else. Relying on her completly and 'can't afford' to pay for childcare may not work out anyway.

YABU to post in AIBU with the subject "AIBU"...

So you definitely don't want MIL to look after her? But you don't know how to tell her this because you hate conflict?
I think you are justified. If you think she is not taking care of your DD, she is your no.1 priority. I wouldn't let her look after my kids if they were crying alone.

@Ohcomeallyechristmas very good point. I was happy to drop one working day in order for my MIL not to have her, however my husband thinks this isn't the best option financially. When I say we can't afford for her to, we could however we would have to make other lifestyle adjustments which my husband doesn't want to do, especially when he sees his mother as another alternative. My mother would have her at points when the MIL couldn't, however my mother didn't want to commit to one day a week for the exact reasons you've pointed out.

@ThePants999 thanks for taking the time to reply

@ThePants999

YABU to post in AIBU with the subject "AIBU"...

^this

If you don’t say anything or resolve it then this will cause you a lot of stress when you leave your child with her. It will also likely build up a whole lot of resentment until one day you blow.

I’ve seen this before and if you’ve already told her you don’t want to let your baby cry it out and she chooses to do it when you’re not around, she isn’t going to change. She’ll just think of smarter ways of doing things behind your back against your wishes. It may have worked for her with her kids so it’s likely that is what she thinks is the correct way. You’re just a new mum, she knows better. You won’t be able to change her.

I feel for you. You’re not being unreasonable at all.

But here is a woman who likely won’t change given the fact she’s letting your baby cry even though you have told her otherwise. And your husband telling her probably won’t change her either.

You’re being unreasonable if you expect her to listen to you. I don’t mean that in a horrible way. She will do what she wants to do whilst she has your child in her care.

Either get alternative care or accept it.

If I was you I would re think work. It’s far too stressful for you.

Honestly OP I’ve been there with an mil who chose to look after my first her way and it caused a lot of conflict, it caused my child confusion and in the end a lot of resentment. Whilst my mil only did the odd babysitting duty because she wanted to be with the baby , when the kids were able to communicate (we knew it already) she did a lot of shot she wasn’t supposed to do. Unbeknownst to my FIL who was also ‘with her’. In the end my oh, fil and me had to have harsh words with her . Her own husband was aghast to half the shit she got up to.

Hope you sort it x

Sorry, op, but you're a mum with a duty to protect your child. You don't have the luxury of avoiding confrontation anymore. You need to tell your husband everything and then both of you can decide how to handle this.

@Amberleaf12 thank you so much for you're response. I hadn't even thought about the fact her crying it out probably won't be the only thing she will do against my will. She is a very opinionated lady and very used to getting her own way. My husband and his brother never stand up for what they believe against her, they just let her get away with it over and over again. I really need to think things through now. Thanks!

If your husband and his brother don’t stand up to her then please believe me when I say your words mean f**k all to her. Rethink childcare now and save yourself the stress.

My OH, FIL and BILs never said anything to her because they didn’t want to rock the boat. She’d start crying, shouting or give silent treatment or just won’t stop digging at them throughout the day for weeks on end.

Luckily for them I was naive enough to rock the boat and stand up to her but that resulted in bullying and isolating me from the family. Over 10 years on the men in the family now put her in her place. She thinks twice before she speaks now. I think she finally understands the world doesn’t revolve around her and other people have different approaches in life.

Instead of people having to adjust to her, she now adjusts to people around her.

Stick to your guns but be prepared to be blamed for everything!!!! X

honestly you have no idea how long she was crying before you've jumped to conclusions? Especially if you haven't asked MIL yourself?

Make it clear to MIL what routine you want her to do but at the end of the day she is providing you with free childcare - nurseries/childminders don't pick a child up as soon as they cry either

You both specifically told her you didn't want to do this approach and she has blatantly ignored you. You need to be able to trust the person you are leaving your child with, whoever it is. And if she is doing this, which is in my opinion, quite a 'big' parenting choice she damn well won't be listening to anything else, like when to wean, and what, nap times etc. You will have a huge battle on your hands. Best to sort it out now, find another choice any choice and don't leave the child with her unsupervised until it is a lot older.

Does anyone actually like conflict?

She's ignoring your wishes. YANBU to want her to follow your parenting style especially as times have moved on and there's lots of research behind your approach now. From an attachment point of view, it will be confusing for the child to be left to cry sometimes and responded to at other times. Tell DH what you've seen and try to come to an agreement on paying for childcare from a qualified professional. They don't leave children to cry the way it sounds like your MIL is. It sounds like she doesn't want to help you or listen to you, and she should have just said so.

@Aquamarine1029

Sorry, op, but you're a mum with a duty to protect your child. You don't have the luxury of avoiding confrontation anymore. You need to tell your husband everything and then both of you can decide how to handle this.

I agree 100%

Plus it's not 'confrontation', it's just communication.

From your update, it sounds like your DH might have laid it on a bit to get MIL to take the baby when she didn't necessarily want to. He should make his child a priority and make those lifestyle changes to pay for his baby to be cared for by a qualified professional.

Sort out proper childcare. Simple.

You don’t have the luxury of avoiding confrontation when it’s about your baby, who needs you to protect her. You have to explain why your MIL isn’t suitable childcare and find an alternative.

I wouldn’t be happy with your MIL’s tactic either so YANBU to not want her to take care of your baby in this context. I know you say you don’t like confrontation but you really need to speak up and insist that you find another childcare solution as you can not leave your baby with someone who you clash with about what is an important issue to you (it would be to me as well). It doesn’t have to be aggressive but it is necessary to sort this out ASAP.

So by "cry it out" your MIL means to just let your baby just cry on the living room floor and not comfort her? She just left her there? To teach her who's boss? To make sure she isn't spoiled? I've heard it all!

That is weird and so cruel. Be factual and just tell your husband for goodness sake. Say what you saw.

Wow! So no one there if your baby choked. I wouldnt trust her

You are absolutely not being unreasonable!

My mil who had our dc's as babies was pro leaving babies to cry a bit, but we talked about it and she understood that it was my one non-negotiable, and she agreed to to do it. Is there any chance your mil might agree thr same?