What the hell happened?

[IwanttobeMrTumble]

Instagram and Fb oh so kindly showing me memories from last year. We were at my friends child’s party, my toddler Dd was in her swimming lessons, we were preparing for my parents to fly over to us in the April and we’d booked a holiday ski-ing, for the end of March.
My posts are all chirpy and funny, I can remember the feeling of happiness, it feels like a lifetime ago.
Cut to now-struggling with long covid for 10 months, Dd is involved in no groups and doesn’t socialise. Flights from where we live to the U.K. aren’t allowed, I don’t know when I’ll see my parents or family again, we never see any friends or have real contact with others. I’ve lost my job and spend my days crippled with anxiety about what the actual fuck is going on.

Can anyone give me some positivity about the situation and the future at all, in any way? Feel like my mind is spiralling out of control with people talking about this being it forever now.
How do you handle all this?

I'm sorry, OP - it's hard. I had Covid in April and have Long Covid that's not letting up - I collapsed in the street a few days ago. I feel like I'll never get better. It feels strange not remembering the last time we 'did' anything. My DD had roller skates for her birthday last March but has never taken them to the rink. She had no party last year and will be no party again. Same for my DS. I've not seen my parents for almost 14 months - who knows when I'll see them again. Only seen my brother and family once since March. No support for my mental health.

All I can say is take one day at a time step by step. Try to do something you enjoy every day however small. Same thing - give yourself a goal every day however small. We just have to keep going and maybe the summer will be better.

@ReallySpicyCurry2 - yes, that makes sense as to why it is feeling overwhelming. When I had to cancel my DD's party in March I promised we'd rearrange when we could - naively imagining we could rearrange it a few months down the line. As we approach a 2nd lockdown birthday for her - it just feels too much!

It will pass. My family have recently started considering a meet up from 3 continents in late 2022. The world will have to be doing ok for that to happen! And while we aren’t booking yet it feels possible. We’d all have to be vaccinated of course.

I looked in one of my DD's notebooks the other day and she'd written how excited she was to go to Brownie Pack holiday - of course she never got to go 😭

@UndertheCedartree Sorry, it’s so hard isn’t it, it seems to get a little better, then it’s back again 🤷🏻‍♀️So scary collapsing in the street, what was the reason for that?

@timeisnotaline It’s hard as you want to have something to look forward to/to plan, but who knows 🤷🏻‍♀️

@IwanttobeMrTumble - it was put down to the Long Covid - seems my heart isn't coping with exertion so well - I was carrying some bags of shopping. When they got me in the ambulance they said I had a high heart rate and respirations - my temperature was slightly elevated too. They said I was presenting as Covid + but luckily a test proved negative (thank god, couldn't go through that again) and things settled after I'd had a good rest in hospital.

I know this sounds a bit wanky, but I think about Julian of Norwich a lot. She was the first woman to write a book in English, an anchorite/religious recluse living in Norwich during the height of the Black Death -14th century. She had a whole pandemic going on around her and more besides. But she wrote "all shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well". I'm not religious at all, but that lovely optimism really helps me. I do think we'll get through this.

@Hassled That does give hope 😊

I love Julian of Norwich.

We definitely will get through this. No question. Humans get through everything. Just not everyone, and not in the same way, but everything comes to an end.

It's just so bloody hard at times. The not knowing is the worst. Having no grasp of the time line.
In some ways it reminds me of when I had secondary infertility with DD2. As it happened, it took four years to get her (healthy young woman in my twenties, for God's sake, what's all that about eh) and I remember thinking that if someone could just tell me that I'd never have children, or could tell me that I'd have one, but not for another few years - basically it would be fine. I'd be gutted if I couldn't have any more, but could start working on getting over it. If I knew I'd have one eventually, I'd stop worrying that I may never be pregnant again. But the wanting, and not knowing, kept me mentally paralysed, even though I was going about my daily life otherwise. This feels strikingly similar, in some ways

@UndertheCedartree God, how awful, did you say you’re 9/10 months? 10 months here and have been feeling worse for a few weeks after improving, v v steadily. Do you have any tests etc or just carry on? I’m never sure what to do. The vibrating inside and sore chest and on heart side have come back, it’s all so worrying isn’t it. I guess this is what’s making all this so much harder, that and being in lockdown with a hyper toddler!

@ReallySpicyCurry2 know exactly what you mean - l had secondary infertility but before l was told this, everyxmonthbwas a rollercoaster and it was almost a relief when they told me l couldn't have any more babies. Still felt sad, don't get me wrong but it meant l could just get on with life

@ReallySpicyCurry2 Yes, that’s it, I felt similar when going through fertility treatment, you’re definitely in a strange limbo place and don’t know the future. I was living, but not living fully really