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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Baby separation

19 replies

Newmumoct20 · 22/01/2021 19:32

So I’ll start by adding some background. I’ve been on here before, me and partner do not get on well. I’m still with him, although I think this subject will make him leave.

His family are getting involved and trying to push me into making decisions I believe aren’t fair or right

The latest is that he should be able to take the baby wherever he wants without me, namely to see his family as they want nothing to do with me. The baby isn’t even 3 months old and the relationship is volatile to say the least. I don’t want to be apart from baby and throughout the pregnancy there has been threats of taking him off me or his family doing everything they can to see him with solicitors involvement ensuring I am cut out of decision making for the child.

To add we are in lockdown, it’s not safe to meeting people outside support bubbles.

I feel ganged up on and keep being told I’m being weird and controlling for not wantingtobe away from baby.

What do people think?

OP posts:

WhenTwoBecomeThree · 22/01/2021 19:35

You carried him, you birthed him and you're his mother. You know what is best. Yes they're his family and that's his dad, but don't be bullied in to something you're not comfortable with. My DMIL constantly nagged about babysitting for when DD was 1 day old, I felt pressed because DSIL had her babysitting when her DD was two weeks old, I finally gave in when DD was one week old for a couple of hours because I felt like I was doing something wrong and like I shouldn't want to spend all of my time with her and it's my biggest regret. I should never have been made to feel like I should be having time by myself. Youve waited a long time for DC to arrive, you do what feels right.

Santaiscovidfree · 22/01/2021 19:38

I think you removing your baby from all of them for family support if you have any would be good.

Lolalovesmarmite · 22/01/2021 19:43

Do you have any family support or anywhere to go?
Nobody should be threatening to take a baby away from its mother and nobody should force you to spend time apart from your 3 month old if you’re not comfortable with that.

You are not in a loving, supportive relationship.

Winterwoollies · 22/01/2021 20:05

I think you need to find a way to leave now, quietly, and without telling them where you’re going until you’re securely set up and feel safe.

Biffbaff · 22/01/2021 21:43

Actually under covid guidance arrangements for the child to see father in case of separated parents IS allowed, and doesn't come under the rest of lockdown guidance.

However that is just to say that you can't use covid as your reasoning. Other perfectly valid reasons for not allowing baby to see the family would still stand. Such as the extended family actually not having a right to see the baby.

If I were you I would seek some advice from somewhere like health visitors/social services or Gingerbread, the single parents charity about your options re:access here.

Godimabitch · 22/01/2021 21:50

Dont be forced into something you're not happy with.
And if your partner is trying to bully you into this then you need to be the one to leave him. I domt think a court would agree to taking a 3 month old baby off their mother for any length of time.

Feetupteashot · 22/01/2021 21:55

Stay with your baby op X X X

FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken · 22/01/2021 21:58

Hi OP

Are you the poster with mental health issues who's MiL treats you very differently from your SiL and tries to make your husband leave you?

Is the baby's dad a good parent and do you have any concerns about the baby in his care?

If so you need to address these separately or leave to remove your baby from harm.

If not then yes I do think you're being harsh. Just because you are the mother and gave birth doesnt mean the father doesnt have any rights. If he still has a good relationship with his family but accepts that you dont want to see them then it's ok that he wants to take the baby to see them. The alternative is that he doesnt see them without the baby which is obviously going to upset him.

The exception to this is if you think they pose any emotional or physical risk to the baby in which case you need to take action. If it's just a case of you not getting on and they dont like you then surely him seeing his family on his own is the best thing.

The key with babies is little and often so if he wanted to see them a couple of times a week for a couple of hours then ok. If he wanted to see them for 3 days at a time then that's too long for a baby to be away from its primary caregiver.

Remember unless they are abusive or neglectful then if you split up he is likely to be responsible for the baby for short periods at first and could visit them then.

If you are worried about them poisoning the baby against you when they are older then that's a form of parental alienation and you are entitled to take action

Original poster

Newmumoct20 · 23/01/2021 12:10

To be clear his family want nothing to do with me, they want to see the baby but not me and I don’t feel this is reasonable as I don’t think it’s right I’m sitting at home alone upset missing the baby while my partner takes the baby to his family and they spend all day trying to convince him not to be with me anymore cos it doesn’t suit them. To add my partner is the one who threatens to take him off me and there have been several times he just hasn’t bothered to come home, if he did that, didn’t pick up the phone once he was out with the baby I’d never forgive myself. I didn’t ever think I would have a baby, I had a load of complications and even when baby was first born I had trouble bonding because I was so ill, I don’t want to be apart from him, I’m really upset and hurt because keep being told I’m a crazy and a weedy first time mum by not letting my partner take the baby but it’s not about letting or control, it’s about what feels right for me

OP posts:

Mum198000 · 23/01/2021 12:15

Call your health visitor and tell them everything and ask for help

Mum198000 · 23/01/2021 12:16

This is abusive and you need it recorded somewhere official.

Original poster

Newmumoct20 · 24/01/2021 21:06

It upsets me that people think I’m being abused as I have been told that before and it’s just hard to accept. Tonight he has drunk 10 pints and not really able to handle the baby, makes me sad as I really thought he wanted another child to live with and care for as it didn’t work out that way for him before

OP posts:

Lupinslupinelady · 24/01/2021 21:15

Get legal advice from a family law solicitor - an initial discussion is often free. No way is this situation in the best interests of your baby and will potentially harm him.

Darbs76 · 24/01/2021 21:21

Definitely don’t feel pushed into doing this if you’re not comfortable. Of course right now like you say he shouldn’t be taking the baby anywhere anyway. I guess there’s more to this story, remember you always have options if you want to leave

OhCaptain · 24/01/2021 21:26

@Newmumoct20 do you have family?

Santaiscovidfree · 24/01/2021 21:47

Please take steps to ensure your dc isn't abused. Keeping a young dc from it's dm is abuse imo.
You need to get as far away as possible from him and his family. If they had your dc's best interest at heart they would want it to be nurtured by it's dm.
They are toxic. Don't be afraid to confide in your family. I would be distraught thinking my dd was in your shoes and kept quiet.

Original poster

Newmumoct20 · 24/01/2021 21:57

I do have family. I guess it’s same old story, I love him and hoped he will change but obvious now he won’t. Luckily it’s my home, I just need to convince him to move out and be strong enough to make the break

OP posts:

Santaiscovidfree · 24/01/2021 22:04

A drunk man and a baby aren't a great mix.
Ultimately he has prioritised alcohol over being a df... Make sure he isn't alone with your baby until you are sure he is safe and sober.. Make plans to get him out. Involve police if necessary.

OhCaptain · 24/01/2021 22:10

@Newmumoct20

Ok but I bet you love your baby more? So if you don’t have the strength to do it for you, do it for him.

You’re not married and it’s your house.

Pack his bags tomorrow. If he’s drunk tonight, it’s not worth getting into.

If you can, get someone from your family to come over so you’re not alone.

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