I don't know what to do...

[jamiejamiejamie]

I have three children two boys with ASD and ADD. My eldest is 16 at a specialist boarding college studying three a-levels. Lockdowns send him into a very bad place. It is so hard I feel terrible for him. He's not engaging with school via remote learning on teams will not take calls, will not continue his sessions with the school counsellor. He's going to fail everything at this rate. The school are chasing us both.

We're fighting all the time he makes me so nervous how he will react to everything. I hide in my room crying most of the time which is pathetic I know. It was parents' eve earlier week via teams, I didn't even book appointments and feel so pathetic I'm unable to parent efficiently right now. I can't stand the arguments I'm trying to keep the home as calm as possible for my DD and my youngest son (also ASD).

My DH is great has a very stressful and demanding job but he can just disengage from the drama. I don't work due to my youngest's needs and I just miss my old life I'm 50 hormones raging and of not much use of any of the family.

I'm thinking of just going to stay in a travelodge for a night to regroup and settle my mind to get away from the chaos for a short time. I know everything will be the same when I return but I need to get away. DH is great at taking care of the children I would leave food etc.

Sorry for my disjointed message Im just tired and fed up of the constant pain my DS has to go through. I just wish I could be stronger and stop being such a baby but I'm battle worn. I want to be a better mother two ASD sons has really cut me to the core I don't want to fail them and I want to stop feeling so sorry for myself.

Thank you for reading...

This sounds very hard. I would encourage you to make contact with the school and tell them that you simply cannot force DS to work and the stress is adversely affecting the whole family.

They might be able to offer more support but equally maybe it’s a better option to let him take this year off and rejoin in September when he can (please) go back to school.

Taking a day off yourself sounds a good idea if it will help you.

Bumping this.

I agree with everything @MatildaTheCat says. I really feel for you struggling with this and its only natural you need a break. Fully support you taking a night away so you can decompress a bit - take more than one if you need it.

Can your DH take over liaising with the school for a bit? You need to step back for a week or two.

I don't know if its different with the boarding school your son is at, but if the worst happens and he doesn't do well in his exams it isn't the end of the world. There will be future opportunities to take them again, or to go down a different path.

A levels can feel like the be-all and end-all but your son is under impossible strain at the moment and if all he does is get through each day then that's OK. It really is.

I'd speak to the school and see what his options are with them if he doesn't pass, this will help relieve some of the pressure you both feel because you'll see then that not everything hinges on these exams.

Focus on mental health needs for both of you right now, its ok to take your foot off the gas and just do what you need to do to see lockdown through.

I know its all completely overwhelming right now, but will be alright in the end

Sorry I’m not best placed fo advise but I know someone in desperate situation and no hotel will allow them to stay under lockdown. Hope you can find a solution.

Thank you so much for all your replies. They have helped me see it is really rough and I need to be kinder to myself.

I have had a very honest chat with my DH he said he will do more and will take over loading dishwasher!I said sod the dishwasher I need you to be my buffer and please field the many emails from the school. He has agreed to this as he is far more matter of fact. We are going ask if DS can go into school two days a week. He has an EHCP and is classed as vulnerable. He says that is the only place he can work. We would have to drive him there any back but he needs it. This could help him see school is still there, he will be able to return fully at some point. I think he needs to see it to believe it if that makes sense.

With regards to him repeating the year I'm unsure, his sixth form is an independent specialist and unsure if the LEA would pay but to be honest we are in extenuating circumstances, so who knows?

The stark truth is ASD caused chaos in my home/life. It has changed us all, and I feel particularly fragile. The amount of ranting/shouting etc is exhausting. I hate what it has done to us. I need to find ways of dealing with this or my own mental health is going to plummet. I'm the emotional punch bag. My latest thing is go out alone for a two hour walk to cry, listen to podcasts and it does make me feel better.

You're right we are in a pandemic life is crazy he has told me he wants to drop a subject as he is unable to manage three from home and you know what that's fine. I need to lower my expectations and just look at what is best for him right now. I don't care anymore mental health and coping is far more important right now.

I'm sure I will have to go to a hotel at some point but I did manage to stay home this weekend at least!

Thank you

The ASD isn't the issue OP. The lack of support for you as a carer, and your child for their ASD, is.

@jamiejamiejamie I would also suggest a chat with your GP. The amount of crying you describe is worrying. It may be worth exploring hrt if you are having hormonal issues or an antidepressant to help you get through this.

Thank you for your replies. I am struggling, I accept I'm not doing well right now, I do cry too much but the level of abuse I have to deal with right now is horrendous. I have thought about seeking help, but as usual I don't take care of myself constantly fighting for the family but never me I feel I should be able to cope. Many people/family say you need to be able to cope, be strong etc but two sons with ASD is devastating. I worry about their futures, worry I'm able to cope with it all, tired of the mental load. I haven't worked in almost nine years feel I'm on the scrapheap.

People including DH always say to me it could be worse they are high functioning etc but not really they are still so incapacitated by their ASD.

I do need to talk to someone be it my GP or a counsellor but knowing me I probably will talk myself out of wasting their time. Thank you again sorry for the all the doom and gloom.

Can you share a print out of your posts in this thread with your gp, op? Then let them decide - stop you from talking yourself out of it.

Please keep reaching out for support, here and also for support from your gp etc.

If you keep pushing your needs aside, you will reach breaking point and end up too desperate to see the help that is there for you.

Think of it this way, if you get support for yourself, you'll be better placed to help your children so if you can't justify doing it for yourself realise they also benefit and do it for them.

In the meantime, we're here whenever you need to offload.

Please be kinder to yourself