Left out of christening arrangements

[Beasties]

First off, I know you are all going to say I'm being unreasonable, but I still feel really offended.

My best friend of many years has recently had her first baby and the christening is in a few weeks. She and her DH have asked DH's best friend and this guy's DP (with whom my friend is fairly close) as well as their SIL to be godparents.

My best friend has also asked a v good friend of both of us to do a reading at the christening service, but although she has invited me along, she hasn't asked me to be involved at all.

I feel really offended by this - I was bridesmaid at her wedding and we have always been very close, and yet I feel that she is making a clear statement by not asking me to have anything to do with this - what do you think?

Well it may sound like a blindingly obvious question but are you actually a Christian? Because if they are and you are not then it's not surprising they have not asked you to take an active part in the ceremony.

(and I say this as a hardline atheist who doesn't really approve of christenings anyway and would certainly never be a 'godparent' even if asked).

Madamez, I'm not, but neither are the others practising christians in any way.

Do the Godparents have dcs? Was she Godmother to any of yours?

i would just say to her "is there anything you would like me to do to help you with you lo christmening" and see what she says?..FWIW, i found out this morn that a good friend of mine for whom i also cm her dd had her newest dd christend at weekend(it was supposed to be in december with us all going for a meal afterwards)..no invite, nothing!, just told me they had lovely meal and day was lovely??!!

Ooh yes, do that, ask how you can help.

She may genuinely not realise this would upset you.

Missinvisible - perhaps you're right. But if I ask her, I'm sure she will say no, and then things will be even more awkward.

Wanderingtrolley - I had asked her to be godparent equivalent, but she said 'oh, I don't know, we're not going to ask you - sorry', which was how I found out she had asked other people.

well at least then you will know she doesnt want you as part of it, then you have to look at the friendship, i would think within her answer she would give you some indicationas to why she doesnt want you involved?

when my dd was christened, i had by best friend, but not her husband be her GP and her mum and dad, but not my boyfriends sister although we ARE their dd's gp's, nothing against them, but knew who i wanted from start and dp agreed.

Could she be pressured by her dh, and feel awkward about it?

she may have been 'talked into' having the people theyve chosen and n one wants an alter full of gp's, i would question how strong your friendship is tho, i had only been in touch with sil for a few months, so didnt feel obliged...oh and also i am NOT my bestfriends daughters gp?.funny old world tbh

snap WT

Tbh, I am already looking at the friendship. I can't help thinking that perhaps I was mistaken about how close we were. Also because I'm feeling so offended, I have been avoiding speaking to her. I don't want a confrontation about it when after all, it is her right to do whatever she wants - it's her child.

Yes, I think her decision was influenced strongly by her dh, but ultimately, she obviously agreed to it all.

lol lol lol at a non-Christian complaining about not being asked to be Godparent.
What is the world coming to?!

And in case it wasn't obvious, YABU.

If you read my posts properly, you will see that the others are not practising christians either.

Sometimes there's just not enough "jobs" to go round! We had a register office wedding. DH's parents were witnesses, so no "jobs" for my family. When DD was christened, my Dsis and BIL were Godparents - no "jobs" for DP's family.

I am sure that somewhere, between the families, someone's nose is out of joint, but I simply couldn't find "jobs" for all of these people, who are lovely, and who are still very important to me.

Perhaps she sees the fact that you were her bridesmaid as a chance to share round the special roles a bit?

Barryscott (good name, by the way) - you are probably right. But I wish she had discussed it with me at least, because I just feel at the moment like she doesn't think I merit any involvement at all and it is a bit disappointing.

You said that you aren't a Christian, regardless of practicing or not. The others might not go to church (which I'm guessing is what you mean by practicing), but if they hold Christian beliefs, then they are much more suitable to be Godparents than you.

May I ask why you want to be a Godparent? Is it because you see it as her recognising your friendship, or because you want to guide her dc spiritually and bring him/her up a Christian lifestyle should something tragic befall the parents?

Message withdrawn

I'm aware of the paradox here, but for many people a Christening ceremony - even a church one - is less to do with Christianity and more to do with celebrating the arrival of their child and aknowledging important relationships in their lives - all conveniently done several months after the birth when you look less like a monster.

(apologies to glam new mothers and also monsters)

But the point about celebrating the birth of their child still stands. I can see why Beasties is upset. Even though you can see the reason in someone else's actions, it doesn't protect you from your own emotional reaction, iyswim.

But to the extent that she's avoiding her and questioning the friendship WT?

Because as wandering trolley says, it is an emotional reaction coming from my best friend choosing not to include me in a celebration of the birth of her child. At least 2 out of the 3 godparents as well as the friend doing the reading have what I suppose you could loosely call a christian background in that they are nothing in particular, so seem to be christian by default. BUT they do not in any way have christian beliefs (in fact, far from it) and they would never go to church etc.

Beasties I wonder if your friend has even realised you?d feel this way. I remember a few years back going to my BF?s baby?s christening. I didn?t expect to be a godmother but wasn?t prepared to see another mutual friend from school stepping up to the role when I didn?t know anything about it. That was hurtful, the lack of communication. I didn?t say anything and one day she just told me out of the blue that she?s wanted me to be godmother to a girl not a boy and that as our mutual friend had lost a younger brother, she thought it would be nice if she were godmother to her son. It made perfect sense but it would have saved a lot of hurt if she?d told me her thoughts beforehand. I am now godmother to her second son as it happens ? she?s not having anymore!!

I know my sister had real dilemmas choosing godparents and opted for family members (including my DH who was only my boyfriend at the time ? that really surprised us, maybe she knew he?d be family one day!) now I am pregnant with my first and I have friends already vying against each other to be godmothers to my unborn baby, as it happens, I don?t intend to ask any of those friends. As someone else said, there are limited roles and other people fit our criteria better for who we want as godparents. That said, I am a Catholic and we will be living in Spain where godparents have a large role to play throughout your life, including a role at your wedding. At my own wedding, I gave the godparents roles to friends because I had never been close to my godparents and most of them had forgotten I think!

It?s odd what she said to you about being a godparent equivalent ? surely it?s an honour to be asked and it?s not a tit for tat situation? Maybe I am being naïve.

MrsMcSpooky - you are completely right.