- We do have calm moments during the day but thinking about it now, if she’s already been told off about something I do think I have less fuse as the day wears on. So by 3rd or 4th time I might just go straight to shouting.
Maybe it isn’t her at all and it’s my behaviour that’s changed...*
I wasn't blaming you, I hope it didn't come out that way. It's just it can be a very vicious circle, start the day angry, she feels she can't do right for wrong, you are exhausted and feel like you're always on her case , and why can't we just have a nice day, waiting for the other shoe to drop, exasperated at each other.
Shouting over small things, especially when you haven't before , or even ignored or laughed at can be confusing.
I'd say first of all make a list of non negotiable rules, things she must do as and when you tell her. Then reassess everything else you argue about, is it really necessary? Will any harm come to her if she's doing something or not doing as you asked ?
Then ignore obvious attempts to rile you up. You can't clap with one hand, you also can't argue by yourself. Don't discuss or correct the behaviour in the heat of the moment, nothing will go in and you might regret how you act. Revisit it when you're both calm,having a cuddle.
Have clear consequences, with one warning in place.
Give lots and lots of praise even for things that might seem silly and be very specific. "You're sitting nicely well done", "that is very good colouring ", "thank you for listening to me", " you got dressed very quickly" rather than just "good girl or well done.
A little trick that sometimes works, follow your request with a thank you, rather than please. So "put your shoes on,thank you". Some children feel "bound" to do the action as they already received the thank you.
Make the boring or unpleasant things a game. Who can tidy up faster? I'll fold the socks, you throw them up the stairs. Takes ages, but it also makes things more fun and takes out the confrontation out of it.
Whenever possible give her two(three at most ) choices that you are comfortable with. Green top or yellow top? She has to put a top on,but can choose which one.
Reward charts for behaviours you really want to see if she would be motivated by that. Either just stickers or a small reward when she achieves a target.
When she calls you names just be calm,uninterested and say "ok, we'll talk when you've settled down". Then talk about being unkind ,hurtful etc later when she's not in a rage and wanting to get back at you.
DD did that a few times. I actually am fat, so just replied with "yeah I know. So what?" That completely took the wind out of her sails.
As she grew she never used insults like that towards me or others because now she fully understands they are hurtful and not nice.
There's loads of things you can do, none of them an instant magic wand. This really is a marathon and not a race.