Do I need to lower my expectations ?

[Downinthedumpzz]

Hi everyone, I’ve had a really shitty year. My DH left me and the kids. I suffer with depression and anxiety anyway but it’s really ramped up since DH left. I’m currently WFH home schooling my two DCs. I feel in such a rut as I have no energy, I’m eating crap, piling on weight, don’t exercise, struggle with house work, cooking etc.

Is it unreasonable for me to attempt to fix everyone one of the things at once?

Can you do a small amount of all of them? For example, cut down on the rubbish you eat without calorie counting, walk a mile briskly every day, concentrate on one room or one task (e.g. just vacuuming everywhere)? I know it all seems so insurmountable when you're feeling that bad but tiny steps might work.

Are you getting help with your MH issues?

Firstly don’t be to hard on yourself.
I think trying to do everything could be overwhelming but some of these link -
Go for a walk every single day at a set time whatever the weather you and kids. Make it a game who can spot the most cats/cars etc even if it’s for 5 mins you will feel better for it

Eating crap/cooking - (do you like cooking?) meal planning is your friend altho boring. Everyone picks a meal. If you like cooking try cooking simple things from scratch pasta with tomato and veg sauce with salad etc. try and pick easy meals that you all like

House work - 30min timer who can put the most things away, or just blitz yourself for 30 mins. Focus on keeping one room tidy so you have some space. Cleaning break down on what needs to be done into little manageable tasks rather than trying to do it all

I think a lot of people myself included have been where you are so don’t feel bad about it just try and take some small steps to start

Posted to soon - please speak to your gp to see what help is available, even if that is having some time off work to give you space

Start with a motto 'Something is better than nothing' and then think small steps, adding new ones in as you get used to them.

So you could aim to go on a walk or do a beginners YouTube exercise video in terms of exercise to start with.

You could reduce down your portion by a third for your main meals and add in more salad/ non starch vegetables, in terms of diet.

Both these steps should be easy but start to build good habits.

Have you been getting help for you mental health issues or look at changing the help now your problems are getting worse?

I would start by prioritising, clearly your WFH and kids need to come first at the moment, this may change once the situation changes (schools re-opening etc). To WFH and learn its needs to be clean a quiet, stick to the basics, its doesn't have to be spotless but get the kids to take their stuff up to their rooms each night once schoo/work is finished. Their rooms can be a tip until you/they have the energy to deal with it.

If funds allow maybe look at the fresh food boxes, it'll help you to eat healthier even just a few nights a week. Look at easy changes like the lower fat/sugar/salt versions of items, an easy change but en masse might make a difference. Have smaller portion sizes of the things you're eating at the moment and keep leftovers for other meals. If you have the time/space/energy maybe try some bulk cooking of things like spag bol, chilli, curry etc for the freezer so when you're too tired just pull them out and add rice/pasta.

Basically, prioritise the things that needs doing and the things it would be nice to do and make sure you manage something you want to do each day. Get the kids involved and try and make things as easy for yourself as possible.

You need to give yourself a break. This is a hugely stressful time and add in a breakdown in your relationship it’s no surprise your struggling. How old are the dc? Can they help at all.
Like PP said, start small. Everyone is responsible for making their own bed when they get up.
Get out of the house every day. It doesn’t matter where you go or what the weathers doing just get the fresh air.
Make a list of really simple meals that are low effort but reasonably healthy.
Jacket potatoes with beans
Pasta with smoked salmon and peas
Stir fry
Etc
If you can afford to cheat with some ready chopped veg etc do.
Aim for getting your 5 a day and plenty of water. Keep the focus on what you can have rather than what you shouldn’t.
Make some time for you. If that means giving the kids an hour to watch tv, then let them. Use that time to do something you enjoy, read a book, chat to a friend on the phone, do an online yoga tutorial.

Maybe if you have us some details about yours and your dc food likes and dislikes, or posted a list of things (including snacks) you currently eat we could suggest easy tweaks to make it healthier.

If you try and fix everything overnight I think you're setting yourself up for failure and will potentially feel even worse about yourself. Tackle one or two things at a time and the others will probably fall into place e.g. if you eat crap and do no exercise then you are going to feel like crap.
Stopping buying crap and then you can't eat it! If you're working from home it's harder to access than when you're at work and got coffee shop / canteen/ vending machine on hand.
Do a meal plan for the week, get the kids involved so it includes their favourites, work out what you can bulk cook & freezer or reheat the next day.
I would do the bare minimum housework (washing up and wiping up spills / worktops) during the week to focus on school and work then spend an hour or two blitzing it at weekend. Get the kids to help with age appropriate tasks e.g. washing up, putting groceries away, pairing up socks from the laundry, stripping bed sheets etc.
Get out for some fresh air exercise daily if you can. I know people WFH who are "walking to work" or "walking home" so they use their commute time to walk round the block before returning home to their desk. It creates that space between home and work/school time.
Would it be possible to talk to your work about flexible or reduced hours while the kids are home schooling?

Can your husband still help with home schooling? It shouldn't all fall to you because he left. Definitely seek support for your mental health and hopefully once that's better managed you can work on your self esteem which will have a knock on effect in other areas of your life. Good luck

I feel in such a rut as I have no energy, I’m eating crap, piling on weight, don’t exercise, struggle with house work, cooking etc

I could have written that, and I have a lovely supportive Dh, I’m self employed which means I can stop working when I need to teach the dc and focus completely on them. I still feel like that! Give yourself a break, these are not normal times. You have an awful lot on your plate, more stress than a lot of people - don’t try to fix everything or you’ll end up feeling worse. Take one step at a time, getting through each day is an achievement. Tomorrow is always a fresh start.

I have started to walk on the spot a few times a day as really don’t feel up to leaving the house. I think I try to do it all at once then get overwhelmed so nothing gets done.

I do like cooking, but again just feel overwhelmed with it at present. I keep saying I’ll batch cook and then never do. I just feel like a big fat lazy mess at the minute.

Ex DH has quite a senior job role so sadly cannot undertake any of the home schooling.

My eldest does help around the house if asked which is great.

At the moment we have the odd healthy meal, few bad and then a few takeaways, which I can’t really afford either. I know what to eat that is healthy but at the moment quick food wins, which is usually unhealthy.

I feel that I fail mid week, then decided oh wel I’ll start with everything again on Monday, rinse and repeat!

I’m on anti depressants and I access counselling through my work but to be honest it’s not made that much difference.

Sending you lots of hugs OP.

One thing at a time. DO you have RL support?

Sometimes improving one thing will have a knock on effect on the others without you having to actually 'do' them all at once. Chose what ever comes easiest and see what happens.

Getting out of the house more often will burn off a few calories and raise your mood?

Chosing what you eat more carefully to lose weight will maybe interest you more re:cooking and if a couple of pounds fall off (which does tend to happen at the start) let that inspire you to move more?

Try to resolve to drink plenty of water each day. Knock on effect you'll feel better and have the energy to get out?

Good luck.

You need a plan. How old are the kids? How much are they getting from school? Does ExH take them at any point in the week? What hours are you supposed to be working?
We work abit to their school timetable.

I'd start with a quick tidy up (not clean at this point) get all the school stuff in a box per child, clear your relaxation space. Aim when you sit down tonight to have a nice clear space to do so. Get the kids to help. That will help calm your mind and give you chance to think through the rest.

But keep talking - we can help you plan and get tasks done.... its always easier to sort out someone else's mess!!

What is your personal hygiene like? When I was at my lowest, I would get up and mope around in PJs. My skincare went out the window. I bought myself a skincare set (very basic cleanser, toner, moisturiser and night serum) and a bunch of cheap flannels to clean my face with. I have done my skincare routine every morning and night since New years day, without exception. I genuinely feel this has impacted on other areas of my life as I am always dressed (even if it's leggings and a tee) and seem to also be in a routine of having the same healthy ish breakfast every day. I feel happier in myself and I am more productive during the day. This is just a very long winded way of saying that making really small changes can have a snowball effect as you start to make a habit of taking care of yourself. Choose one thing and stick to it. See what happens.

If you can’t really afford the take aways and you feel you’re eating to much crap start there. Even if it’s a case of swapping takeaway pizza to a supermarket one, if you go for a thin base and avoid pepperoni you are likely to halve the calories. If you made pizzas with tortilla bases it would be even better but that could be a step to far at the moment. Little steps.

They are all connected so can all be fixed at be same time.

Stop eating crap and do some daily exercise. Eating better will give you more energy, you will lose weight, This will solve most of the issues including giving you the energy to exercise and do housework.

i know you've said you don't feel like going out but I think this is probably the thing you should focus on. It will lift your mood. I went out yesterday and came back completely exhilerated because of wind and rain on my face!

There is a podcast called Feel Better, Live More which has quite a few easy tips. Same guy has a book called Feel Better in 5 which is about easy five minute interventions to feel better e.g. getting morning sunlight, very short meditations etc. I really rate him.

Do you have a garden? Even 10 mins out there would be a start.

Are you in a house with stairs?
Can you run up and down them 5 times?
Then build on that number
This will get you out of that rut (well, start to), help with the weight gain, and give you more energy. Oh, and it should lift your mood.
Can you also add in some sit-stand-sit from a chair - in blocks of 10 to start with.
When you feel up to it, start going outside again. Think about what is keeping you inside - fear of covid, low mood, inertia?
As for the eating, on a day off do batch cooking of healthy stuff so it is all ready in the fridge. It will save you time in the week / on working days. It will reduce food waste as you will plan better, and of course be cheaper than the take aways.
Little steps can make a big difference.

We all need to be kinder to ourselves right now. That is a message I have gotten from my employer, from my GP, and from a trusted family member.

You will feel better if you eat better, but you can only accomplish what you can. Set small goals and focus on what matters most. Get school and work done. As long as those things happen you are succeeding.

You should also remember that you aren’t obligated to subsidize your ex h anymore. He should be doing his share of the parenting, he probably won’t because most men who got their high powered positions by relying on their wives labor won’t suddenly step up when they leave, but he should. So when he doesn’t step up, don’t feel made at yourself because you are failing, you should be angry because he is failing.

When my marriage broke down I found it helpful to take things one step at a time. I was determined to focus on keeping my job and helping my DD acclimatise and consciously deprioritised things which I didn't have headspace for (such as getting things done in the house). I had the opposite problem in that I stopped eating and lost loads of weight due to the stress but was unhealthy in lots of other ways (such as drinking too much).

I made a point of not focusing on stuff which I knew I didn't have the bandwidth to focus on. So the house went to pot a bit, so what. It was peripheral to my main goals.

In the long term I found that the better I felt, the more energy I had and the higher my "mojo" was and I started to take on more and more and gradually felt on top of things. Five years on I feel totally on top of things. Obviously COVID and lockdowns haven't helped, but I feel very much in control of my own destiny now.

But I think its worth remembering that this is all pretty new for you. You're probably still grieving the end of the marriage and that won't heal overnight.

I think eating more healthily and trying to get some time outdoors will help but don't set unattainable expectations weight loss etc: it will be difficult to achieve these at the moment and it won't help your mood to set goals which you can't meet.