To not go with my husband when he has an operation

[plebsticle]

We live in Hong Kong. When someone tests positive for coronavirus everyone else in their household has to go to a government quarantine centre for 14 days. The centres are very very basic and I've heard the food is appalling. If you have to go there you get a short time to pack personal belongings and snacks etc but that's it - then you're dependent on them for two weeks in what looks like a prison cell with no ability to order in other than for "essentials" which you have to find someone to bring to you (these places are in the arse end of nowhere too). Most people i know who have been say they have treated it like a weight loss camp.

If you actually have covid you are sent to a public hospital (though apparently these aren't much better).

I am 10 weeks pregnant and wel into the sickness and food aversions situation.

Most of our friends here have left to go home and we haven't had much opportunity recently to make more. We have no family here - they are all in Europe.

My husband needs an operation on his shoulder and it's scheduled for next Wednesday. He is in a lot of pain so does need this. It requires a general anaesthetic and I know he is worried and would like me to be there. I am a bit anxious for him too and he's all I have so I am also very scared but would never say this to him. However, both he and any visitors to the private hospital he is having it done at are required to get a covid test when they arrive at the hospital. Neither of us has any symptoms or any reason to think we have covid but you just don't know these days with all the asymptomatic cases out there...

I am terrified that he will test positive and I will be carted off to a gov centre where I will barely eat and be really anxious re the baby etc... or that I would test positive and he would be carted off either before his surgery or, if I visit later, while he is supposed to be recovering from major surgery.

We have three options:

1. I go with him in the morning and we both get tested. If we both have it, we are both sent to hospital. If he has it but I don't I am carted off and probably don't eat much for 14 days. If I have it and he doesn't, I go to a hospital and he is carted off before he gets the surgery he needs.

1. He goes in the morning and is tested and I go in later on to visit. If he is positive he is sent to hospital and j am carted off from home to the gov centre but probably get more packing time. If he is negative he goes for surgery and I go in later - if I test positive then he has at least hd the surgery he needs before he is carted off (though recovery will be shit for him).

1. He goes in the morning and I don't go at all and wait til he comes home. If he is positive then he goes to hospital and I am carted off from Home as above. However if he is negative there is no danger to him or me of ever being carted off to a hospital or gov quarantine because I won't be tested.

Number 3 seems lowest risk to me. But it means leaving him to go through this alone. Would you do this? AIBU to consider it?

I should add, we know of at least 3 couples where one has tested positive and the other negative so it's perfectly feasible that one would have it and not the other - hence the worry.

Gosh, this is a very difficult situation for you both. If you are desperate to go in with him I would say pack snacks right now and take with you as a just in case. However, you really need an honest conversation with your husband about how worried you'd be not eating enough with being pregnant. I do sympathise with your situation, it sounds like a tricky decision to make.

You should definitely stay at home.

He's a grown up, he should go alone. GA isn't that bad. I quite like it tbh

Wow. First I have heard of this. Have a chat with him pre pack bags now just in case? And have them ready. And the make the decision you are most comfortable with

3, both to avoid the gov centre and on the basis that surely it will benefit him for me to be at home when he is discharged post op and I can help him out with self care etc?

I'd say 3 too. Can he tell the anaesthetist that he's anxious about the anaesthetic, and they should be able to give him something to calm him?

Wow. I didnt know about those restrictions

I’d go with 3 because you’re pregnant

Absolutely 3. Baby comes first especially at this delicate stage.

Stay at home. You should talk to your husband about your fears. Tell him which option you believe is best, tell him that in an ideal world you would go with him but you both have to consider your health and nutrition too, especially now that you are expecting a baby.

He may be anxious but a good husband will understand and want what is best for both of you.

NO WAY you should go in these circumstances. Stay at home. He's a grown up. I've had 2 operations and gone alone to both of them (as had small children and husband had to look after them).

We have three options: 1. I go with him in the morning and we both get tested. If we both have it, we are both sent to hospital. If he has it but I don't I am carted off and probably don't eat much for 14 days. If I have it and he doesn't, I go to a hospital and he is carted off before he gets the surgery he needs. 2. He goes in the morning and is tested and I go in later on to visit. If he is positive he is sent to hospital and j am carted off from home to the gov centre but probably get more packing time. If he is negative he goes for surgery and I go in later - if I test positive then he has at least hd the surgery he needs before he is carted off (though recovery will be shit for him). 3. He goes in the morning and I don't go at all and wait til he comes home. If he is positive then he goes to hospital and I am carted off from Home as above. However if he is negative there is no danger to him or me of ever being carted off to a hospital or gov quarantine because I won't be tested. Number 3 seems lowest risk to me. But it means leaving him to go through this alone. Would you do this? AIBU to consider it?

Postpone the surgery and get your DH some decent painkillers.

Definitely option 3. Agree totally with the PPs.

I’ve had a GA on my own when I was 19 and it was fine. Prepare for the nurses to be his new best friends once the drugs kick in though! I told the doctor I loved him

It’s so much better for the whole family for you to be home when he gets back. If I was him there is no way I would want my pregnant wife to be going into one of these centres. NO WAY!

Can he totally isolate for 2 weeks prior to limit his chances of being positive on arrive (and therefore having to reschedule his op and also put you in the centre?) Is private testing available where you live?

Pretend that you are in England where you wouldn't be able to go to the hospital anyway . Stay safe at home x x

Option 3, with the side note of pre-packing bags just in case.

Thanks - sounds like I'm not actually being selfish then!

To answer a couple of queries:

He really does need the surgery - painkillers don't work and he is in so much pain. We are going to isolate as much as possible til then but he has to go to work in the meantime. In true HK irony he can't work from home and we can't afford for him to lose the job. They don't care.

We can't avoid the possibility of a gov centre entirely as if he tests positive I have to go, but at least I will have prior warning.

It's insanity here. For those who don't know, all arrivals have to quarantine at their own cost in one of a few designated hotels for 21 days. It's totally excessive and ridiculous but people are paranoid here post SARs. There are about 50 cases a day in one of the most densely populated cities in the world so we are doing ok with this overall. But it's at the cost of personal Liberty and cost...

I really feel for you OP. Many people in the uk are calling for tougher restrictions but it comes at a cost.

I would prefer to wear a tracking bracelet round my ankle than be carted off to one of these centres.

Can he call in sick to work for 10 days?

He's an adult - shoulder surgery isn't the worst. He shouldn't put you in this dilemma of having to go with him and then the possibility of you testing positive and getting carted off, especially in the first trimester. You need to be home and rest. Stay home, tell him to grow a pair (he's not going in to have a baby on his own which is a million times worse!) and have the surgery. I know it'll be difficult to be away from him, but your health and sanity is also just as important here too.

In the UK it’s been rumoured that 25% of cases are caught in a hospital or similar setting.

Number 3. You don’t need to go. He probably won’t be in hospital long. I had major life threatening surgery on my own in London followed by 18 nights inpatient. Husband had to mind dc at home.

Very difficult, OP, but in the circumstances I think you should stay at home.

I hope all goes as well as possible for all of you

I would try to get and pack a supply of snacks with a long shelf life anyway so you can grab and go anytime. I would go with option 3. I had to go through surgery alone as transferred from local to regional hospital 40+ miles away. Most of the time you are either waiting or asleep. Is it a day case or a longer stay?

Thanks so much - really appreciate your views!