I hate being shy

[Suzie1146]

I’m nearly hitting 40 and feel really sad today. I’ve let shyness ruin my life and I feel I’ve missed so many opportunities in life. I’ve tried books, even a course I went to 10 years ago but all a waste of time and money. I’m still the same. I feel it affects all aspects of my life. I feel really down. How can I change my life and not be shy anymore. I can’t talk in work meetings so my career has never advanced. I have no real friendships or nights out with girlfriends. I don’t go to family events. I I force myself to go (pre lockdown obviously) I come back feeling worse and takes weeks to calm down and get over the feeling of awkwardness and embarrassment.

Could it maybe be social anxiety? I've been diagnosed with severe GAD, mainly around social situations and feel like I spend most of the time thinking it would be nice to have friends nearby (I live hundreds of miles from where I grew up, I have a handful of friends there), but I can't make any. I tried a nearby parent group (a few months pre-lockdown) and ended up sitting on my own feeling awkward until I could leave. 🙈
I have ASD as well though, which also doesn't help!
I personally haven't been able to find anything to help so far, but if you speak to your GP about it, (even if it isn't anxiety, it sounds like it's affecting your mental health) they'll be able to go over some options to try to see what could help you. 😊 I intend to keep trying too!

I’m over 45 and in the same situation. I blush at work if a manager talks to me, then blush harder because I know I’m blushing! It makes me really awkward and anxious so any time I do say anything it always comes out wrong, either garbled or snappy because I feel stressed. It means I’m a complete outsider on the team, I’m ok for them to talk at and moan about their problems to if no one else is around, but they don’t actually want me to talk to them so they aren’t friends.
I made some headway a few years back with CBT but, due to health issues and lots of time off, I’ve ended up even more anxious and awkward than before. My old age is going to be spent looking back with a lot of regrets.
No idea how to change it now.
A relative doesn’t understand the anxiety but does work with animals and says that familiarising an animal with a certain situation over and over again means they finally understand there is nothing to be afraid of so they learn to relax in that situation and not be stressed and basically tells me to do all the things I’m shy about over and over again until I realise the world doesn’t end and it will get easier. Tbf that’s kind of the instructions the CBT therapist for my extreme anxiety gave me. Easier said than done though.

It's more than shyness if it takes you week to "recover". Nothing to be ashamed about, but you need to get help and speak with a GP.

A relative doesn’t understand the anxiety but does work with animals and says that familiarising an animal with a certain situation over and over again means they finally understand there is nothing to be afraid of so they learn to relax in that situation and not be stressed and basically tells me to do all the things I’m shy about over and over again until I realise the world doesn’t end and it will get easier

I agree with this. Also find it hard to talk in work meetings, I know that lack of confidence and social anxiety has held me back at work too. But socially I am much btetter than I used to be. Making yourself go and talk to people really helps. I had a coerced relocation a few years ago and wanted to help me and my kids make friends and I forced myself to go up to mothers in parks and everywhere and talk to them. When I went to new social events to make friends I would force myself to go up to people and talk. I do find this easier now.

Just because the therapy you had before didn't help, it doesn't mean therapy in the future won't. Different types of therapies and different types of therapists. You just need to find the person and type that works for you.

You have 40-50 years of life ahead of you. You definitely can keep working on yourself.

It's a lot easier to talk to people if you have something to say. Finding a small back-room volunteer role is quite good for this, especially if you're the only one doing it. For example, it would be daunting to volunteer sorting stuff in a charity shop if there was more than one other person working there.

Things that have helped me at various stages -

being more judging - ie, if I'm worried what someone thinks of me, start by seeing what I think of them. Start noticing when the faux pas of others and don't keep going over in your head your own faux pas.

looking out for people worse off than me - the person at the fringes of the room too scared to talk to anyone - there's a good chance they might be pleased to talk to me

doing voluntary roles which mean people have to come to talk to me to get information they want. After someone's come to you 5 times for a copy of the Agenda, you might find yourself in a conversation about the weather

No, you haven't let shyness ruin your life. You've done a great job of keeping going, supporting yourself financially, despite the disability of finding social interaction difficult. And there's an awful lot of life beyond 40. I have a lot of friends who I can go to for support, and a lot of acquaintances who are always pleasant and seem pleased to see me - and only one (who I haven't seen since she emigrated 50 years ago) is from before I was 40.

I feel very similar, I was diagnosed with social anxiety as a teenager. I didn't find any medication or treatment very helpful but that was 20+ years ago. What has helped was becoming self employed so I was forced to interact with more people although I still found it very hard. The most helpful thing was volunteering in a garden when I was looking to change careers. The other volunteers were all around 60ish and I found them a lot less intimidating than people my own age (40). They're the first friends I've really ever made. I now work as a gardener and we have a team of volunteers, mostly over 60 again, and some days I can't shut up when we're working together! I'm still an anxious mess around most other people though I also go over and over what I've said in my head afterwards, but I'm working on stopping that at the moment!
I agree that looking for other anxious people or someone on their own is a good idea when you're in a social situation. I've found quite a few people even more awkward than me Maybe you could try and set yourself some tiny goals, I think very gently nudging yourself out of your comfort zone is the best way to get better at it.

I was a shy child and teenager. I got in the train to go off to my first term at university and said to myself ‘I will not be shy any more’.
I got off the train no longer shy and have never been shy since.

I do feel like what your describing is a little more than just shyness. Have you mentioned this to a gp? Weeks to remover doesn't sound to pleasant!

It would be interesting to pin point when this started op. Is there a situation in your life that you recall that started this?

I was also shy but I realised that life is short, I tried to imagine what’s the worst that could happen and realised that actually it wasn’t as bad as it felt being shy. Most people like to talk about themselves (which is fortunate for me as I’m genuinely interested in people) so I came out of it simply by asking questions about them (not inappropriate ones!) it just evolved from there and now I find it very easy talking with people. I do understand though, I can still remember the burning cheek feeling and not being able to speak.
I think my turning point was forcing myself to do a Pitmans communication course, it was excruciating but so worth it!

Sounds like social anxiety. I have it, and recognise a lot of your post. For me it's rooted in fear of judgement when I feel like I'm 'performing'. I'm sort of fine with small groups and people I know, but when faced with larger groups, strangers, new situations I get very self conscious. I'll often think of something to say, then pause to consider it, trying to think of all the consequences or alternatives, by which time the moment has passed. Then I have to begin the process again from wherever the conversation has moved on to. This internal filtering process, over the most trivial exchanges, is a real hinderance. Often with hindsight the first thing would have been fine, or worse, one of the alternatives that I ended up saying was worse. If I could just have the confidence to say the first thing that came into my head!

It's very difficult to overcome. Mindfulness and/or cbt can help. Also exposure therapy, i.e. deliberately putting yourself in situations you know will make you (mildly) anxious. You'll find you build up a tolerance to it and then move up to a (slightly) more challenging situation. Start very small, but do it regularly (at least once a day). Be gentle with yourself when things go badly and don't expect change overnight.

Also look into propranolol, it's a beta blocker, but also used by performers for stage fright, it suppresses the butterflies in your stomach feeling. You can legitimately get it online. Obvs proceed with extreme caution with self medication!
You're now alone. I'm same age as you and feel this has plagued my whole life.

fucks sake. You're not alone!!!

Socialising for some people is a bit like exercise. The more you do it the easier it becomes and the quicker you recover from it afterwards. If you don’t keep it up regularly, you’re back to square one.

If it’s “just” (I use this word very lightly) shyness it is something you can force yourself to overcome, it’s a confidence issue and that can be worked on quite easily. If it’s a more serious social anxiety then you’ll need to find strategies to ease yourself out of that state and also remember the fitness analogy.

If it’s something like autism then you can develop strategies to cope with socialising on your terms but unlike shyness or anxiety, the more you do it won’t necessarily make the experience easier. That’s not to say you won’t enjoy the experience you do have, just that you have to factor in recovery for every experience you have. That’s not always going to be the case with shyness or even social anxiety both of which can be overcome.

OP, I was exactly like you. I was so shy, I would work myself up in a state just leaving the house to go to the shop. Turning up at parties alone was my personal hell.

This advice won't help much at this precise moment in time. You need to push yourself beyond your comfort zone, and you can't right now because of covid, but you've got this far, and we're so close to seeing an end to this crap. That new life of yours is closer than you imagine.

I joined a local amateur dramatics group. Yes it was awful. Yes it was cringeworthy. Yes I learned not to give a shit.

I took myself off to the Middle East on my own to learn scuba diving. I ended up going back several times. Then when scuba got a bit boring, I took up skydiving. I didn't want to, but fake it until you make it. Push yourself harder and harder. I promise you, confidence naturally follows.

I learned so much about myself, and how those stupid little hang ups - they don't really matter. What people think - seeking approval - it isn't important at all. The only thing that matters is that you respect you. Push yourself hard enough and it naturally follows.

You are not alone, I can't talk in work meetings too. I am applying for jobs and dreading going through interviews with presentations, but I really want to push myself to do better, I would like a pay raise so bad but the job has lots of meetings I have to chair. Few years back I joined Toastmasters and stopped when I had a baby but thinking of going back to it, it's like starting from square 1 again for me with the anxiety. Check out Toastmasters maybe you would like it and make friends.