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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect dd to resign as a prefect?

23 replies

MeImAllSmiles · 29/10/2007 09:09

As she has been caught shoplifting. My stand is that being a prefect is a position of trust, something she isn't. She doesn't want to and neither does dh.

OP posts:

weepotion · 29/10/2007 09:10

This seems quite harsh. What is her attitude towards what she has done?

oranges · 29/10/2007 09:10

Isn't it up to the school? Think its a bit overdramatic to force a schoolgirl to resign.

CappuScreamO · 29/10/2007 09:12

well if a prefect is a position of trust, and she's lost it, isn't that like saying well, it's all over for you love, back to the bottom of the pile?

rather than treating it as a one-off which she can come back from if she doesn't do it again?

tissy · 29/10/2007 09:13

I can see your point, and don't think it's harsh at all.

Does the school know about the shoplifting(or are they likely to find out- e.g. was she in school uniform when caught)?

wotsits · 29/10/2007 09:15

Has she been caught shoplifting whilst in school uniform? If so, then she'll probably have no choice but to resign. If not, then I think it's good that you think she should resign, and maybe she should sit down with you and DH and explain why she shouldn't have to. You're right, it is a position of trust and she should think about what this means, and act on it. What's your DH's take on this?

ScottishMummy · 29/10/2007 09:18

harsh. the school and dd should negotiate a plan.ok so she has stuffed up, grave error of judgement and all that, however that does not necessarily render her incapaeeable of being a prefect

ideally she and schoo should have a debrief and discuss options

also think you are overstating relevance/influence/staus of being a prefect a bit. i was a prefect but i was no way perfect.

dd is an adolescent, try remain calm.
talk
dont immediately get all punitive
high exprexssed emotion and hasty actions are not helpful

be honest are you punishing her removing the prefect staus because you are understandably disapointed

does she need prefect status to proceed to University/training?

lucyellensmum · 29/10/2007 09:22

Is she going to be in trouble with the police for shoplifting?

At first my initial reaction was that she should resign, but thinking further - i think it sends the wrong message. I think that you should give her the opportunity to do something to make amends, maybe volunteering in the community (contact your local volunteer centre) to prove that she can be trusted etc. I would have thought if she has got caught that may well be enough to scare her into not doing it again. I would be looking into the reason she did it rather than punishment at this stage. For instance, you can imagine that she wasn't alone. Was she showing off to her friends? Was she doing it to try and get in with a gang of girls at school, proving she is "hard" enough. Those sort of things.

You dont say how old she is.

I dont think you are being unreasonable as she needs to be shaken up, but i think getting her to resign as prefect will be counterproductive.

Original poster

MeImAllSmiles · 29/10/2007 09:22

She is very non-plussed about the whole thing. Has taken her three days to mumble a very quiet 'sorry'. Her and her sister stole from four separate shops but also bought things from said shops. First I knew about it was txt 'hey, police trying to call you coz we took sum stuff'. She wasn't in uniform at the time. Dh thinks it's harsh but she can give no reason why she wants to be a prefect just says she doesn't want to resign.

OP posts:

Freckle · 29/10/2007 09:26

She doesn't want to resign because questions would be asked and she would be humiliated if she had to confess.

It's nothing to do with school so I don't think you should make her resign. However, I see your point about trust, so use it as a lever. Tell her that she doesn't have to resign now, but, if anything like this happens ever again, you will write to the school and leave it to them about her prefectship.

Scootergrrrl · 29/10/2007 09:27

Perhaps she could be suspended from being a prefect for a week or so, so until you get to the bottom of it. I would have thought the school would be involved even if she wasn't in uniform when it happened.

chopchopbusybusy · 29/10/2007 09:28

I don't think she should resign as a prefect because she has been caught shoplifting because I think the two are not not directly connected. I would be furious with her and would do something in the way of punishment, but that would be more likely to be grounding or removal of computer or similar.

lucyellensmum · 29/10/2007 09:29

Is this out of character for your girls? My DD has never been caught shoplifting, but i have to say that it wouldn't have been out of character at one point as she did go through a very rebellious stage, drinking and even cannibis use . Thankfully she SEEMS to come out of the other side of that particular phase, please god.

What is going to happen with the police? I would imagine she is mortified!! What about her sister, what punishment is she to receive. If it were my girl i would fall back on the old chestnut of grounding and confiscation of mobile phones. (believe me there is nothing that promotes remorse in a teenager than removal of their right arm, um, i mean mobile phone).

I understand where you are coming from re the prefect thing, but i dont think it would be a good move. I would maybe discuss this with the school and see if they can keep an extra close eye on them for a bit.

Ineedacleaner · 29/10/2007 09:29

I can see your point totally. I don't think this is so black and white though. It has taken her 3 days to mumble "sorry" because hopefully she is thoroughly ashamed of her actions.

I do think you need to talk to her about why she did it in the first place and discuss a way that she can redeem herself the volunteer work mentioned above sounds like a fantastic idea. If she is unrepentant and refuses to try and prove her resonsibility then yes maybe she should resign.

bealcain · 29/10/2007 09:31

what sort of punishment are you dishing out to sister?

a friend and myself got caught shop lifting when we were 14 i think. i was a prefect, and in school uniform. we had to do community duties on behalf of the school and write a letter of apologies to the shops involved. we also had to return everything in person and recieve a right rollockin from the shops.

i think that maybe taking away her prefect status would have a detrimental effect on her. i agree that you should sit down with her (and sister) and ask them what they think they're punishment should be. Dont get the school involved if they're not - they'll label her and that wont do her any good.

find a way for them to sohw you that they can be trusted as suggested voluntary work or something else! again look into reasons for doing it? did they just want something and couldn't afford it or was it showing off. once you get to the root of the problem you can solve it. i think at first thought losing prefect status would have come into my head but once i'd calmed down abit and analysed situation properly i'd think it wasn't necessary!

sorry for long

ShaunOfTheThread · 29/10/2007 09:35

The shoplifting probably means that she is wallowing in a sense of being bad. Her status as prefect is probably something which gives her a sense of herself as being good.

In order to act well, we need to be able to see ourselves as good. I wouldn't take away anything which helped her to see herself in a good light. The school presumably judged her as prefect material on the basis of her behaviour around the school. I'd emphasise that endorsement.

Original poster

MeImAllSmiles · 29/10/2007 09:54

She only wanted to be a prefect because, in her words, you get to go out at lunch time! So lord knows what's been happening in those lunchtimes she's been out with her other prefect mates!

OP posts:

bealcain · 29/10/2007 09:56

what about her sister? what is her punishment? did she say that after you said you were taking awat her prefectship?

Original poster

MeImAllSmiles · 29/10/2007 10:00

Both have been banned by the police from the shopping centre for a year. At the moment dh has said they are grounded and had their mobiles confiscated.

yes, she said sorry after we asked what she would tell school about resigning.

OP posts:

HonoriaGlossop · 29/10/2007 10:25

I think you need to resist the temptation to pile punishment on top of punishment till you feel it's somehow 'enough'. Of course you must be bitterly disappointed and angry.

But you need to take the long view about what you want your dd to get out of this experience.

If she wants to forget this mistake and move on then continuing as a prefect is helping her do that. Everyone makes mistakes. Being grounded and having her phone taken are consequences and I think that's enough personally.

Experiencing your disappointment in her will also be a real consequence for her and shouldn't be underestimated.

I think you've done enough. Let her have the prefect thing as a way of keeping her dignity and moving on. If she messes up continually then I'd guess the school might have their own ideas about this issue anyway.

mrspnut · 29/10/2007 10:38

The school will only know what you tell them - it isn't automatically reported to them and FWIW I wouldn't tell them anything.

I would make sure your daughter knows how dissapointed you are in her and what will happen if she does it again. Take her mobile and confine her to the house for a week and then move on.

If you continually bring it up or tell everybody what happened then you are never allowing your daughter the chance to redeem herself, which ultimately may backfire on you, because she'll be so fed up with it that she stops caring what you think.

DaisyWhoooo · 29/10/2007 11:03

How about a compromise of writing a letter to each of the shops she stole from to apologise (and presumably she's taken the stuff back or paid for it now) and she doesn't have to resign. If she won't do this or does it again then you get in touch will school and insist she resigns?

Gosh, hard one, I'm already having palpitations at the thought of having teenagers

madamez · 29/10/2007 11:07

Yes, public humiliation is never a good idea. It makes the person bitterly resentful and may well lead to them continuing to do undesirable things. Grounding, removal of her phone (by her family) and being banned from the shopping centre (by the authorities) is enough.

PenelopePitstops · 29/10/2007 11:12

Making her resign may only result in her being more rebellious. tbh I would leave it at the punishment you have already, and iif you still feel in a week she should resign then discuss it then. You are reacting too close to the incident. Take a step back and shes only taken a few things from a shop, lots of other teenagers have done it, she obviouslt knows she was wrong. Also pblic humiliation is never good, it backfires in the most awful ways.

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