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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be absolutely gutted husband doesn’t want a second child?

16 replies

Bets2801 · 19/01/2021 21:30

I have a one year I’d daughter...me and my husband planned to have a second. Got pregnant and then had a miscarriage at 10 weeks a month ago. He was on board to try again...our daughter has been sleeping badly the last few weeks ..although I deal with all the night wakings.

He waits until today when I’m ovulating to tell me he’s not sure he wants anymore as he doesn’t get enough free time anyway. I deal with every night waking and couldn’t really make it any easier for him...he complains of being tired all the time although not sure what from! He works less than me also I work full time.

I know logically it isn’t his fault for not wanting another but I feel so angry and hurt. To me, we had decided to have another..the baby died I didn’t change my mind and now on top of that being told that’s it. Again..I know I can’t bloody force him but I feel like the rugs been pulled from under me. Don’t know what to do

OP posts:
Catchingfire123 · 19/01/2021 21:33

We have similar chats and if we both don’t sleep we say we will stick with 1. When we have sleep we say another would be ok.

It might just be he is tired and grumpy. When he is in a better mood have the discussion again. Don’t be too disheartened yet.

Catchingfire123 · 19/01/2021 21:33

Also so sorry for your loss 💐

Porcupineintherough · 19/01/2021 21:38

Maybe give it some time. You've both suffered a loss, your daughter is still very young. You can talk again at a later date.

Ragwort · 19/01/2021 21:39

Your DD is only one, this last year has been a horrendous time for everyone, I would suggest just leaving the subject for now and enjoy your baby girl .... you can't force someone to 'want' another child and it's very soon to be thinking of having another, is there really any need to rush the decision?

ikeepseeingit · 19/01/2021 21:41

Are you sure he doesn't just need to wait for a little longer to have another? He might also be hurting and need some time. I'm very sorry for your loss xx

Scrunchies · 19/01/2021 21:45

@Bets2801 I can’t imagine the pain you are going thru and completely understand how you must be feeling. You just lost your baby and it’s really insensitive of your husband to shut the door on a 2nd child now out the blue. Hopefully he just needs some time and maybe he is grieving or going thru a tough time. When things settle he owes you a proper conversation and hopefully you can discuss it and move forward somehow

Bookriddle · 19/01/2021 22:03

Sorry for your ooss OP

Me and my wife are in the same boat, when she fell pregnant with our first, we had agreed we would definitely have a 2nd, my wife still wants a 2nd child, but right now, i really dont want a 2nd!

I knew being a parent would be hard, but i just dont think i could do ot again, we really struggled financially when my wife was on maternity, im currently working 6 days a week, just so we can afford to put our little one in nursery for just 2 days, we cant afford to have 1 parent at home, and couldnt afford to have a 2nd in nursery!

We share childcare pretty much 50/50!

And from a selfish point of view, i miss my free time, i love my own company and dont think i have had a day to myself since little one was born, even if its my wifes turn to do a night, i will still make up because im a light sleeper

IdblowJonSnow · 19/01/2021 22:06

Yanbu OP. However you've got plenty of time for him to change his mind. Your first is still just a baby.
I'm sorry for your loss. Flowers

SatishTheCat · 19/01/2021 22:07

Sorry for your loss. It is such a generally difficult time in history just to compound matters. Your pain will lessen, your DD will sleep better, spring will come, the virus will recede. You may both see things differently in a few months so give yourselves time. Flowers

GLTM · 19/01/2021 22:17

Sorry for your loss. Yes it's harsh, but him being sleep deprived isn't a good time to discuss it. Ask him what he wants for your
first daughter to. Also, do you have to share your chart with him? Having another will be very tough initially, but remind him they will play with each other in future so over the longer term he might get more free time. I feel for you as it is devastating to hear that especially after your loss.

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/01/2021 22:32

Sorry for your loss Flowers

I well know the desperation to be pregnant again after a miscarriage but it was so so recent, you’re probably still healing, and you’ve both been through a lot and need time to process it. I expect how he’s feeling is less about night wakings and more about having lost this baby, the crushing disappointment, the emotional pain, seeing you go through the physical pain. I don’t know the circumstances of what you went through and wouldn’t ask but I know from talking to my husband some time after one of my worse mcs that we remember it completely differently and he was absolutely terrified of what was happening and how awful I looked. He never made it about him but we were talking about it all and I hadn’t realised that what it felt like and what it looked like were so different and he’d been really traumatised and not wanted to tell me because he thought it had been worse for me and I didn’t need to know his stuff on top.

A friend of mine lost her third pregnancy and her DH said he didn’t want to try again. When they talked about it once the immediate pain had gone he said he was scared of their girls losing their mum in the search for a third. They had a little boy in the end and he’s amazing and they all adore him but it took some honest compassionate talking between them to get there.

Bourbonic · 20/01/2021 00:17

I think its wrong of you to rubbish his feelings. If he feels overwhelmed, tired, like he has zero free time etc then that's how he feels. It isn't about hitting your criteria for what should make him feel tired.

I'd say revisit, have a conversation about whats changed for him and why, and whether its his final stance. If it is then you have to decide how to respond.

JKW36 · 20/01/2021 11:30

I totally understand you feel gutted. Your feelings are very valid, but so are his.
He may have said before that he might like another child, but since then, you have sadly experienced a miscarriage which unfortunately may have scared him and put him off further pregnancies. You cannot blame him for feeling this way.
Then to add to that, your experienced lack of sleep etc with your current child, which is making him not want another child. Again very justified.
And that is without being in a pandemic as well which is not a good time at all to have a child.
Over time he may change his mind

JKW36 · 20/01/2021 11:33

Also from my own experience, I have two children and it's been unbelievably hard throughout. One child is an absolute breeze with two kids you have to be a referee. There are many arguments, fighting, etc that make it just not enjoyable at all. I'm not saying there aren't any good points but if I'd have known what it would be like with two I may have reconsidered. I didn't have a full night's sleep for 7 years

MissBaskinIfYoureNasty · 20/01/2021 11:39

Maybe he just needs more time. Put it on the shelf for a few months. Your child is still very young.

luxxlisbon · 20/01/2021 11:41

You aren't being unreasonable to feel upset, but neither is he to change his mind.

It is still early days, sounds like you should pause timings now and allow him to process his feelings. This could be a trigger reaction to the miscarriage, but you need to accept that this might be him fully changing his mind.
Pause ttc for now, focus on your baby and each other and come back to the conversation in a few months, both prepared to listen to the other.

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