Thoughts of death

[Freelyforwardthinking]

I appreciate this is going to come over as perhaps a strange thread, but I am interested in the viewpoints and opinions of MNer's.

My father is in his 90's and in relatively good health, but is obviously going to die one day. My problem is that I a) feel guilty that I haven't done enough and b) wonder how on earth I can carry on without him.

I know this sounds dramatic but I can't imagine a life with him not here, he's always had good advice, is very fair and generous plus has a great sense of humour (though can be irritating and selfish!). My mother died 8 years ago and I coped okay after that but it's like the final tie with my parents will be gone.

I've done loads for my dad and vice-versa and we've enjoyed some wonderful times but I feel I could always do more.

Is it normal to feel like this, terrified of him dying when it's only natural? How have others coped? I'd appreciate some advice. Maybe it's been exacerbated because of Covid?

So AIBU to feel so anxious about it?

It’s bloody hard but you find ways to cope. I lost my lovely dad 8 weeks ago, fairly unexpectedly as, although he’d been fairly ill, I wasn’t expecting him to go quite yet. I spent all of last year in a little bubble, trying to protect him from this bloody virus. I was his sole carer (mum passed 12 years ago) and I saw him every day and spoke on the phone several times. He was as sharp as a pin mentally, and was the first person I asked for advice about everything.

I’m struggling, I won’t lie. It’s difficult and I’m a bit of a mess. I’m having to find things to do to distract myself from thinking too much and I’m not sleeping very well. I’d obviously thought about him dying, but he was in his 70’s so I hoped he’d last a while longer. My only consolation is that he went very peacefully in his sleep, not suffering in hospital or anything, so he knew nothing about it.

i was a terminal nurse and so have had a lot of experience from the nursing side through to helping relatives cope. i used to find people felt uncomfortable with the d word and that added to the fear of what might happen. consequently i was always open with my dc about it and now we can talk freely on the subject as if we were discussing the weather.
we are abit of an eccentric family though

40somethingJBJ

Thank you for being so open and honest

I’m 30 and my mum died last year aged 60. I was absolutely shattered and couldn’t imagine how life would continue or I would ever cope without her.

It’s been hard but I’ve managed. I talk about my mum constantly and I don’t hold my feelings in. I find this helps.

It’s only natural to feel the way you do. But ultimately we do all die and those left behind have to keep living.

I've always dreaded my parents dying. It wasn't something I thought about often but when I did, I couldn't imagine living without them and neither did I want to. I still don't want to have to live without them now that I have lost them.

I lost one parent some years ago and was devastated. I lost my other parent this year and it has compounded my heartache. I lost so much more than one person when I lost my second parent. (The sum of the whole is greater than its parts). I lost the foundations of my life. I feel I am still a daughter but do others think I am not one anymore?

I may not show it on the surface, and am resilient when it comes to other things, but the death of family has always been my secret dread. I feel that deep inside I will always be utterly heartbroken at losing my parents.

Covid has made it so much worse. I wouldn't want them to be fearful and have to live through the pandemic and live with the restrictions. I think of how I would re-organise my life to take care of them through this, though I know they would want to carry on with their lives as usual. When I see or hear stories of the elderly and Coronavirus on TV, I am very quick to tears. I am not depressed, I am grieving and imagining one of those people is one of my parents. I suppose that is a positive, being even more empathetic than I thought I was.

I'm also weirdly glad that I am heartbroken because it reinforces, in my mind, how much we meant to each other. I don't want to forget about them and lose our connection when I feel I have lost so much already.

The other thing I feel now more keenly, is the dread of losing other close family. What happens as we get older - do we get used to losing people if we have siblings and a spouse? Is there a limit to heartbreak?

I wonder whether I would prefer to die first so that I don't have to lose any more family. I then think that if they were to feel as I do, then I wouldn't want them to go through that emotional pain so better that I go last. ( I know I won't get a choice. 😂 I'm just musing). I don't want to lose any more loved ones but I don't want to be the last man standing.

I suppose it's just as well that we don't know what life has in store for us.