ExH and smokey house

[lavendervay]

ExH and I separated almost one year ago and have DS(4) together. Ex has him two nights a week (one weeknight from 6pm-8am, and then Friday from 6pm to Saturday midday). We generally get along fine so I don't want to rock the boat but this situation is really upsetting me.

Ex moved back in with his mum, who is a heavy smoker. He has since moved in with a new girlfriend but DS doesn't stay there for a number of reasons (studio flat with nowhere for him to sleep, and ex hasn't introduced DS to her yet and doesn't really want to for quite some time - I don't want to be pessimistic but ex struggles with DS's behaviour and I think it would make him look bad to his new girlfriend if she saw how much he struggles). So on the nights ex has DS, he goes back to his mums.

The house is always clean but very, very smokey. The kind where you could be in the house for less than 5 minutes and walk away stinking of it. She smokes in the house when DS isn't there. I'm not sure if she does when he is there (I expect she probably doesn't smoke when DS is in the room, but will do if he is elsewhere in the house). I worry about the impact this is having on DS's health. I also find it frustrating when ex drops DS off at 8am on a weekday morning stinking of smoke, and I need to not only change him but wash and dry his coat every time (so twice a week which I think is a lot for a coat?!) so he doesn't go to pre-school smelling of it. I have asked ex to buy him a coat specifically for at his mums, but he says he cannot afford it, and won't entertain the idea of getting a second hand cheap one.

I don't want to stop DS seeing his dad, and never will. He's a bit of a lazy dad if I'm honest (never does anything with DS, just sits on his phone whilst DS plays on his own or is on a tablet) but DS adores him. But this smoke situation is driving me crazy. I am fed up of having to get DS showered and into fresh clothes at 8am on a weekday morning when we need to leave for pre-school at 8.30am, because if I don't he just stinks of smoke.

I don't really know what I'm asking here, because I know ex can't do anything about it - he can't have DS staying at his new place, he absolutely won't upsize with his new girlfriend anytime soon (I know that he isn't contributing to her household costs which he would obviously have to do if they find a place together, rather than him just 'crashing at hers 5 nights a week'). He also has an older son who he no longer has overnight for the same reasons - he has asthma and his son's mum won't allow him to stay overnight in the smokey house. Older child is without a doubt the 'favourite' so if not having him overnight hasn't motivated ex to do something about the situation then nothing I can do will motivate him either.

AIBU to be upset about this though? I'm pretty relaxed with what ex does on his time with DS, I don't try to dictate anything and I don't really ask anything of ex at all.

Ok OP, brutal honesty here- you need to protect your sons health and at the moment, you aren’t. The health risks of second hand smoke are widely documented, and your small child is exposed to these risks regularly. Risks of ear infections, chest infections, not to mention the carcinogenic effects which chilling to fabrics for a long time. I absolutely would not let my son stay in this environment overnight several times a week. No way.
I’d explain this to your ex and offer alternatives- either ex to spend the day in your home with DS, as long as your relationship is amicable enough to permit this, or meet in a park etc weather permitting. It’s difficult at present as due to covid restrictions there aren’t as many options for ex to take DS out for the day. Good luck. YANBU, stop letting him go though!

I wouldn't send my son somewhere like that. If dad won't protect him I would and he would not go.

It doesn't matter if your kid adores him. It's an unhealthy environment. Imagine what his lungs are like if you have to wash his coat every time he comes back. You cant let him keep going there, it's just not healthy. I dont know what you could do instead though so he can still see his dad.

Thanks everyone. I've just messaged him and told him this cannot continue and he needs to find an answer. Even if it's a case of thoroughly cleaning the entire house and all the fabrics in it, and then ensuring his mum smokes outside only (although I doubt she will be keen on that). It's going to cause a massive argument but you're right, I don't care, I need to protect him.

Ex grew up in that environment and has asthma, his older son spent half his childhood there and now has asthma, and my son spent the first weeks of his life in NICU with respiratory issues. This cannot continue.

If you don't feel you can stop the overnights as pp suggest, could you look at the practical aspects?

Could you get him a cheap coat/clothes he only takes to dads? Its pathetic his dad wont buy a cheap one but there you are. (Make sure his is paying at least CMS in maintenance!) (Although coats here with my 7yr old seem to be getting washed after each exercise trip currently!)

Could his dad drop him directly at preschool so that they understand the environment he is living in and may say something to him? Is there anyway you can leave a change of stuff at preschool for them to change him when he gets there if that's the case. Talk to preschool.

If he won't drop him direct and deal with the issue with them then I would stop the midweek overnight as clearly having to get him showered and changed in 30mins is a lot for the kid to deal with.

I'm not saying the smoke is fine, I had to deal with the same with my inlaws with my dd, but just looking at ways to help.

@LittleOwl153 that is really helpful, thank you. Unfortunately he can't drop him at pre-school directly because of work. I can buy him a spare coat to keep there, it annoys me that I should have to but also it's the easiest option. He is paying CMS amount (a whopping £20 per week). Pre-school do know when he has been at his dad's, they are very involved and have asked for his 'timetable' to help him with transitions etc as he struggles a bit. He starts school in September and the arrangement is that by then ex will have found a childminder to do his before/after school care on his days with DS, and I cannot have him going to school smelling of smoke. I think the midweek will visit will have to end. If he stays at his nan's one night a week, and ex then takes him out on the Saturday morning, it won't be such an issue - but that relies on ex actually taking him out.

I wouldn't send my child there

Well done op good decision

Does the school do a breakfast club? Why is he dropping him off at 8am he could just go direct to a school or nursery

I’m telling you now that the mum will not smoke outside. It’s her home. The law says she can smoke in it. She enjoys smoking and will therefore smoke in it. Especially when she is alone in her own home.

She will then open a couple of windows and, because her nose doesn’t smell what a non-smoker smells, she will think that’s enough prior to your child arriving.

Asthma nurses will tell you that particles from smoking even outdoors will stay on your clothing for over ten hours.

No amount of ‘cleaning’ in the home will remove the smell while the smoker is still there smoking even one or two a day.

The only way you can protect your child’s perfect little lungs from passive smoking is to keep him out of her house.

@Theunamedcat he goes to an independent pre-school, 9-3 with no wraparound provision and not attached to a primary school. For the one morning a week it doesnt really bother me too much since I'm working from home with flexible managers and the preschool is 2 mins away from me.

It's not ideal, OP, but in your situation I'd weigh the risk arising out of being in the smokey environment against the risk of permanently damaging your DC's good relationship with his father, and I'd want to keep the relationship going so I'd put up with it.

It sounds like you're very reasonable, and hopefully your ex-H is too, so presumably you'll be able to raise it with him tactfully so that he can do something about it as soon as that's possible.

Very good for you for wanting to keep your child's relationship with his father going