Partner Ignoring Special Occasions

[TesticleMarmalade]

AIBU?

Dating almost a year. First Christmas. We are both generally planners. I sent him a big parcel ahead of time, thoughtful gifts, some very meaningful. He loved the lot. It got to a week before Christmas and he hadn’t sent anything. I raised it with him and he kept saying didn’t know what to get, wanted to get something special, blah blah. I told him it wasn’t about money and I’d be happy with a letter/card/whatever that showed some thought and effort. Even told him if he didn’t ‘do’ occasions then he needed to say so we could figure that out. Ended up sending something (super low key) express post. ‘Accidentally’ left the receipt on display in a photo to show how much he’d spent to do so.

My birthday is just after Xmas. During the first convo he said he’d make up for it for birthday, was ordering something that would take too long for Xmas but would be fine for birthday etc. Got to birthday. Nothing. Got a mumbled happy birthday. Wouldn’t engage when I was excited on other people making an effort. Was a really great day apart from him. Later he kept asking if I’d had a good day. I mostly ignored him the whole day. Raised the issue a day later and asked what happened. He said he didn’t know, was embarrassed, cited money issues (bullshit. He’s mentioned my birthday for months, and he’d spent money on things for himself within the birthday month). Again I reiterated it’s not cost. Could have done something super cheap or free. Was about showing thought and acknowledgment. I said it’s way worse this time because I told him after the first time, so not just about making an effort now but deliberately ignoring what I’d said. I’m super hurt. He says he’s putting the work in to dig deep and try and figure out why he did this both times and what his underlying issue is.

For info: he’s happy to receive gifts himself, he knows the importance of other people’s birthdays or special occasions. We are currently long distance.

He wants another chance. I’m not waiting until next Christmas to find out if he will do the same. I want to know wtf he’s being an idiot on this. AIBU? What would you do?

In all other areas he is wonderful (so far).

He’s shown you who he is. There is no excuse about being too busy to sort something at the moment and as you pointed out to him it’s not about how much is spent, it’s about the thought that goes into it. He couldn’t be bothered.
Do you want to be with someone who doesn’t put any effort in but expects you to put lots of effort in?

He couldn't be bothered and thinks that your standards are low enough you'll accept this and he will get away with it if he just makes more empty promises. If you can't accept this then prove him wrong. I'm sure you'll shortly be accused of being grabby but I couldn't disagree more. Why should you put effort into somebody else when they can't return the favour even when they know its important to you? It's about showing you care. Words are meaningless if they're not backed up by actions

I’d dump him for coming out with shit like “putting the work in to dig deep and try and figure out”... why he was an arsehole?

This is what happened - thinking about a present takes effort. He’s not interested in you enough to make that effort.

It’s actually not always easy to think of something great, even for someone you know and care about... but in that case, it still takes effort and care to face that and say, “aaaargh - I’m stumped!” He didn’t care enough about you to have that conversation.

He doesn’t care (I’m sorry that’s, but you need to face it) and it’s just made worse by this faux-therapy-bull about “doing the work”.

You know he probably says to his mates, “women are so gullible! Tell them you’re working on yourself, hint that there is A Reason - better still if you can get them to think they’re the only one who can help yo find that -and you get away with ANYTHING! Idiots! 🤣”

Toss him back in the pond for a more gullible woman than you to have a lifetime of disappointment with 🤷🏻‍♀️

look up dismissive avoidant relationship type.
My partner is like this. we also did long distance at the start of our relationship.
It has taken me the bones of 20 years to understand why he is like this. I would have a long hard think about staying with a person who does not make the effort even though he knows it means a lot to you. It may indicate other issues

@Cocomarine He did actually approach me early on and said he had no idea what to get. That’s when I gave him some leads, and told him I would be happy with very little (monetary wise) as long as there was effort. I also suggested he talk to my friends for ideas.

@Imvins - thank you, I’ll look it up

I know this is far from funny to you OP but I have to admit this made me laugh: He says he’s putting the work in to dig deep and try and figure out why he did this both times and what his underlying issue is.

If that works he has played a blinder. Bin him off OP.

I'm with @farandfew - bin him off OP

I would have no patience for this. He’s lazy, thoughtless and mean. And has shown you he doesn’t give a shot about you. Op, you are worth more. Get rid.

He is telling you and showing you who he is. LISTEN.

If he wants another chance then he would have sent you a belated birthday present by now. He wants you to accept that he cant be arsed to do anything for you.

So he happily accepts gifts but doesn’t bother his arse to get you any?
Get rid, he should be wanting to impress you.
➡️🗑

I think you'll have to either tell him that you are going to stop giving him gifts and accept that this is the way things are , or finish with him.

If he's like this early on chances are that things won't pick up in the future.

You don't seem happy though, which is reason enough to end things.

Is he going to tell you when he’s worked on himself and found the answer to why he was so selfish/lazy/tight?

He says he’s putting the work in to dig deep and try and figure out why he did this both times and what his underlying issue is.

F&:=k that noise!

Stop buying stuff for him.

You say he's great in all other ways - if you're doing a LDR presumably there aren't many other ways?