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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would you tell her your still sleeping together?

49 replies

Justneedadvice636465 · 19/01/2021 04:09

My friend has an ex who she recently split with but they said they would work on their relationship they have two children together. They have been sleeping together still but she has now found out he is 'seeing' someone else and she wants to tell the ow he's been lying to them both. I have said maybe don't act on impulse but she is adamant she is going to tell her. Is she wrong? Would you want to know?

OP posts:

Miramour · 19/01/2021 07:56

Painful as it is you can do nothing except be there for her. She needs to navigate her way through this back hole. Knowing she can talk to you will be comforting for her but generally people don't want advice, they just want to be heard.

Original poster

Justneedadvice636465 · 19/01/2021 08:09

He has been 'seeing' I put quotes because at the moment all she knows is that they have been talking basically everyday and that he possibly spent his birthday with her, since end of November. Whether it last or not I know she's a wreck right now so just trying to support her

OP posts:

Original poster

Justneedadvice636465 · 19/01/2021 08:13

Can anyone advise her the best way to cut contact without it affecting the kids? How would she approach getting maintenance?

OP posts:

Frownette · 19/01/2021 08:20

Is she not getting child support already? I would have thought official channels then.

Does he make an effort with the children?

Googlebrained · 19/01/2021 08:30

She needs to see a lawyer. Knowing her financial situation is really important.

The worst thing that could happen is that the OW dumps him and she takes him back. Anyone who is lying to two lots of women has absolutely no respect for either of them and that isn't going to change.

HibernatingTill2030 · 19/01/2021 08:34

@Justneedadvice636465

Can anyone advise her the best way to cut contact without it affecting the kids? How would she approach getting maintenance?

She isn't going to be able to cut contact completely as they have children. would advise she goes about it properly and gets a court order for access and maintenance through the CMS (or whatever it's called now). She needs proper advice, hopefully somebody more knowledgeable will come along.

Flippyferloppy · 19/01/2021 08:36

@KellyJonesLeatherTrousers

I’d be too busy dumping him to worry about the OW, she’s focusing on the wrong thing!

This ^

Catty1720 · 19/01/2021 08:47

I would dump him and tell him I know and then focus on the kids. If she tells the OW I worry it will impact the parents relationship and ultimately the kids.

Lalliella · 19/01/2021 08:49

Hope she’s getting a STD test. That’s grim. Also I hate to mention the C word but if you’re in the UK he’s putting her at risk from Covid. Hope she’s dumping the twat.

Catty1720 · 19/01/2021 08:53

She shouldn’t cut contact if he’s a good dad then he can’t be punished with the kids for his actions she needs to get the relationship to a kids only bases. I thinks it’s called CSL now they can help sort out maintenance.

JinglingHellsBells · 19/01/2021 08:53

@Offskki

I don’t think the other woman is an OW.

This!

They have agreed to split up and he (or she) is not accepting the boundaries that ought to come with that (ie no sex.)

He's having lots of cake and eating it BUT he is really a free agent and can have sex with whoever he chooses (as can your friend) as they have agreed to split up.

surelynotnever · 19/01/2021 09:06

What JinglingHellsBells and others have said. The woman he is seeing is NOT the OW.

Splitting and still shagging is not 'working on the relationship' He is clearly not 'working on the relationship', as he is pursuing (or has acquired) a new girlfriend, whilst still getting sex on demand from y your mate. That's a pretty tidy deal for him.

He doesn't respect his new woman, or your mate - he's playing them both. And frankly, your mate doesn't sound like she respects herself much either.

NamechangedHelpPlease · 19/01/2021 09:15

@Loner1

My ex cheated on me then left for another woman, carried on sleeping with me though.

I told her and it didn't go down well, she made out I was lying and just a crazy ex, said awful things about me online. She did message me when he left her after a month apologizing though. If I had a do over, I'd still tell her. I'd definitely like to know myself.

My question is why did you carry on sleeping with him when he had left you for another woman?

tisonlymeagain · 19/01/2021 09:23

If they had split up, how is she the OW? If they split, he started seeing someone else and then started sleeping with your friend again, technically doesn't that make HER the OW?

Candyfloss99 · 19/01/2021 09:40

They are split up, she isn't an OW. I think it's your friend that is being a mug.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 19/01/2021 09:48

What it comes down to is that your friend has let him make a fool of her, and she is angry.

I don't blame her for being furious, but it's her own actions that have resulted in this. She should just dump him, except where it affects the children (contact, money etc) and draw a line under this nasty episode. It's not the other woman's fault - it's his and your friends's.

Icantrememebrtheartist · 19/01/2021 10:39

I think it’s your friend who is the OW without realising it!

He has left the relationship with her but has the benefits of sex and access to their children. He’s moved on and is now seeing someone new!

If pushed he will probably stick with the new woman!!

Frownette · 19/01/2021 11:23

I don't think it's the friend's fault, she was possibly too trusting and naive.

She needs to get her hard negotiating head on now and sort out the practicalities and never let the weasel worm his way back in

bobbojobbo · 19/01/2021 11:26

They are split up, she isn't an OW. I think it's your friend that is being a mug

except they haven't really split up.

toocold54 · 19/01/2021 12:50

She is definitely the other women and I wouldn’t be surprised if there were others too.

She doesn’t need to cut contact completely she just needs to respect herself enough to stop having sex with him.

Loner1 · 19/01/2021 13:49

@NamechangedHelpPlease because I was an idiot, we had been together for 10 years and he kept feeding me lies and I happily swallowed them up. I have serious mental health and self esteem issues which I am now in counciling for and was definitely being kept as a backup plan and made it very easy for him up until recently when I finally blocked him. Feel free to flame me for it, I'm fully aware of how stupid I was but I have come a long way since then. Now when he begs to come home or turns up at the door I completely ignore him.

toocold54 · 19/01/2021 15:55

Now when he begs to come home or turns up at the door I completely ignore him

Love this!
Hopefully OPs friend will be like this soon too!

Miramour · 19/01/2021 16:14

@toocold54

She is definitely the other women and I wouldn’t be surprised if there were others too.

She doesn’t need to cut contact completely she just needs to respect herself enough to stop having sex with him.

How did you draw that conclusion?

toocold54 · 19/01/2021 18:17

How did you draw that conclusion?

It’s classic.
He has already said he is seeing someone else but keeps telling the friend he has feelings for her and having sex with her - making her the other women as he was already with the other women.
Why not just break it off with the women he’s seeing?

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