Aibu to wonder who the hell have I married

[Helphusbandsadick]

Ok this is a bit of a vent of all my frustration at the minute but I really am starting to think who the flip did I marry?!?
Ok so me and hubby have been together for almost 20 years but only got married 16 months ago. We have a 9 year old and a 15 month old baby
We both work full time.
So when we had my daughter we would occasionally take turns in the night if she ever cried but I mainly did the bulk as I was on maternity leave and when I decided to go back to work she generally slept through the night. Fast forward to now and I could probably count on 1 hand the amount of times my husband has woke up with the baby. I could be up all night with baby screaming at top of his lungs and husband is sound asleep! Husband literally has no idea! So recently I have been waking husband up to do his part as he works 3 days 13 hour shifts so for the other 4 days he can pitch in. I work 48 hours over 5 days but I work from home so it is slightly easier.
Anyway I noticed it became really bad in 1st lock down. Husband was furloughed, I was not as I can easily do my work from home. But husband expected me to run the house, cook, clean and teach my 9 year old and look after baby whilst working and he would go out and do the gardening or something by himself. He would then come into the house, get snarky if house was a mess and if I argued back he would then tell me to stop work as it is getting me stressed! No mate it’s you doing as you pleased and leaving me to do everything is what is getting me stressed.
Anyway this lockdown is slightly easier as baby can go into nursery and I can work. Anyway husband is off tomorrow so I said you need to sit with 9 year old and help with her school work. His reply “I’m no good at that, your better at doing stuff like that” what teach junior school maths you cannot do!?!?

My husband is amazing at DIY and he has done loads around our house and saved us a fortune.
So today his mother rang me asking if husband was ok? And she thinks he needs a project as this will cheer him up immensely! Also his brother has just bought a house that needs doing up so he can help and it’s a win win all round. I ended up putting the phone down saying something along the lines of yes win for everyone except me and the kids.
I’m now sat here feeling a bit guilty but seething. So now I will be left in lockdown with 2 kids working 48 hours a week and getting stressed and then I will start snapping at the kids so it’s just miserable all round, whilst he is out doing what he loves! Not a care in the world about his family!

Honestly 2 years ago I would have never thought of him the way I do this last year. I don’t know if it’s because we are always together (I love spending time alone!) but he is just so selfish and so lazy when it comes to parenting or the house. I even started thinking yesterday we shouldn’t have got married. What would you do in this situation and I am so sorry for the long winded post
Yabu - just get through it when the world is back to normal so will my relationship
Yanbu- get rid your better off single parent

Lazy git. Furloughed and leaving you to do everything? What an arse.

If he’s bringing nothing to you table then don’t let the lazy arsehole sit at it. You would be better off on your own you would be less stressed and the kids will be picking up on how stressed you are and how lazy their cockwomble dad is.

I know! The worst part is he has always been fantastic and used to do quite a lot. Or so I thought. Maybe I just noticed it more because I am always with him now. But honestly it feels like after 20 years I’m just starting to see the real person!

Thats really bad. My DH is an essential worker on shifts, nights this week, and before he goes to work he cooks, cleans, homeschools, plays with the baby, anything that needs doing while I'm working. AND then goes and does a full shift in a busy hospital.
Yours appears to do fuck all. I wouldn't put up with it.

You’re essentially doing everything a single parent does anyway...

Bobbojobbo that would be heaven for me 😁 if I ever get a day off I usually spend it in bed as I’m that shattered!! Yesterday I sorted all the dirty washing into piles but then didn’t put the darks in as it was too late. I just went to do it then and he had thrown them all in the dirty washing basket. So I asked him why and his response “well I’m sick of nearly breaking my neck on them” so Iv just said well you can do them yourself! His response was it’s none of my clothes so why would I wash them!!!! I just said that proves you think fuck all about your kids and your a selfish prick. I’m now going to resort in the childish behaviour and not wash his clothes. What a dickhead of a comment to make! I was hoping everyone would come and say he is depressed and this is how he is coping with all that is going on in the world!!!
I do really think I would be less stressed without him!!

@Helphusbandsadick I also would not wash his clothes... or do anything that makes his already pleasant life easier! I hate it when people are selfish! If he can't help out off his own back, he needs a to do list. He can go do DIY once he's brought something to the table...

He sounds sexist and lazy. Was he always like this about housework OP or is it just that the lockdown has made you notice it? He sounds quite unpleasant as well, does he have any good points (other than the DIY) and do you enjoy each others company still? I think you need to have a think about your future with him.

I voted YANBU but I don't necessarily think you should leave straight away. I'd try sitting him down for a big talk first - and if that goes well write some lists of who does what. And btw, not doing his washing wouldnt be childish it would be eminently reasonable.

No advice, wish I did. Same position myself. So resentful of the complete lack of respect. No intention of helping with family work because why should he, you and I will do it anyway. We wont see our children in dirty clothes, not schooled or fed. Fuck I wish had more courage.

No good telling us - tell him.

I find it difficult to believe that you were with him for 20 years and he was cooking, cleaning and treating you with respect and now he talks to you like a stray dog. He's treating you with absolute contempt. Expecting you to run around after him and the children as well as working while he pulls weeds in the garden all day. Then he comes home and whines about the state of the place. And the way you are talking to each is pretty disrespectful as well.

Does your 9 year old hear the way you talk to each other? You've been together twenty years and he can't put on a load of washing? The whole scenario sounds like a toxic pool of disrespect and contempt OP. Don't let this be your or your children's lives.

I agree with porc ... give him a chance, he could help his brother one day a week. Will he be paid by his brother? If not they are taking the right piss. All the chats and lists were yes yes let’s do that. Nowt but free talk. No action. So I didn’t mean to derail, makes me to depressed that women seem to get the shit sandwich 🥪.

@Porcupineintherough

I voted YANBU but I don't necessarily think you should leave straight away. I'd try sitting him down for a big talk first - and if that goes well write some lists of who does what. And btw, not doing his washing wouldnt be childish it would be eminently reasonable.

I agree with this. I think he needs to makes some changes but if he was good before, I’d have a chat or many and if that doesn’t work then leave.