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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To want to get married without a wedding?!

15 replies

pearlsandpetals · 18/01/2021 09:57

Hi everyone. So I'm newly engaged and really happy about it, but basically the thought of having a wedding (even a small one) is really not my thing. I don't like being the centre of attention and the cost of it all means that if we had a wedding we wouldn't be able to get married for potentially a few years. I am extremely shy and would rather get married without the fuss of a wedding and perhaps have a small, intimate gathering at home or go for a meal etc. However, I am pretty sure my fiance would want a wedding so would it be extremely selfish of me to suggest this to him?

OP posts:
chipsandpeas · 18/01/2021 09:59

tell him your feelings then compromise

Rainbowqueeen · 18/01/2021 10:01

No it’s not selfish at all. But you do need to be willing to compromise if he is really keen on a big do. So for example small ceremony followed by party at the pub.

I’d float the idea and gauge his body language. I’d then ask him what his ideal wedding is and think of ways you can both be happy
And congrats!!

kwiksavenofrillsusername · 18/01/2021 10:02

Congratulations! I’m sure you can reach a compromise on this. There’s a lot of options between no wedding and a big white wedding. I went to a nice wedding a few years back which was on a weekday, only about 25 guests. They did a registry office (but very casual, no big walking down the aisle moment!) then had a private dining room in a pub for a posh pub lunch. Or there are options such as eloping, then having an evening party when you get back. Just make sure it’s something you are both comfortable with.

CheesePleaseLoueese · 18/01/2021 10:02

I was exactly the same. We ended up marrying shortly after lockdown 1 with 8 guests..

Share how you feel and please do try to reach a happy medium.

I completely empathise though.

Pyewhacket · 18/01/2021 10:19

You don't have to have a big wedding, you can bimble down to the Register Office with a couple of your mates but I would discuss it with you man. It's his day too.

Personally, I loved my wedding, everything worked out perfectly. Only it was the hottest day of the year and I thought , OMG, I'm gonna be Sweaty Betty in this outfit so I stood infront of this huge fan with my arms in the air so it wasn't too bad. Honeymoon was outrageously hot too. 9 months later I'm being wheeled into the delivery suite. The day before my 23rd birthday.

Congratulations on your engagement and enjoy your day, whatever you do.

WelliesWithHeels · 18/01/2021 10:27

Maybe you could do a wedding that feels less wedding-ish? I really like the idea of an intimate ceremony in the woods, followed by an enchanted forest themed reception.

Ikora · 18/01/2021 10:32

The key to a successful relationship is communication. Have a meaningful discussion with your partner about this.

Etulosba · 18/01/2021 10:36

I did it with five people. Three of whom I didn't know. The whole thing was over and done with in twenty minutes. The total cost was just over £100 from memory.

I was the shy one who wanted a small wedding. It did create a bit of resentment that surfaced later.

cirrusminor · 18/01/2021 10:36

Definitely discuss with your fiancé - I completely sympathise because being the centre of attention is probably my worst nightmare. I found it helpful to work out what was important to the person who wanted the wedding - i.e. was it spending time with your loved ones, was it having a drink and dancing, was it putting on a big show etc...not every wedding with guests has to be super daunting. I think if you work out what aspects of having the wedding are important to him and then work out a compromise, you might be surprised at what you come up with :-)

Argh3456 · 18/01/2021 10:37

Congratulations on your engagement! Like PPs I'd agree that communication is key (without sounding like Oprah). I was like you and didn't want the big fuss. We ended up compromising and had a small ceremony in a specifically smaller location and then had a somewhat bigger reception. It worked out well for us but I think it was because we agreed on it. I'd have resented him if he'd made me have the big wedding but he'd probably have resented me if I went so small that his family and friends couldn't come. Do what makes you both happy. It's your big day.

Tarantallegra · 18/01/2021 10:55

You should always be honest about how you're feeling. I knew my husband wanted a bigger wedding than me so went along with all the planning and cost knowing that it wasn't really what I wanted. I felt terrible about the whole thing and should have been honest from the start. It's important to compromise as it's his wedding too but you still need to say what you want. Our big wedding got cancelled during lockdown and we had the smaller wedding I'd wanted from the start, I'm really happy with how it went and I managed to say all my lines clearly and confidently in front of so few people. Bonus - nobody was upset they didn't get an invite as it was out of our control!

The reception bit you can do however you want it so you don't have to have a top table or first dance and you don't have to be centre of attention and can even get changed if you want. The scary bit is the ceremony so if you compromise to give him his big wedding I'd suggest making the ceremony smaller and the reception bigger.

99victoria · 18/01/2021 11:03

My husband felt like this. In fact we had started to think about helping with a couple of friends as witnesses but then my dad died unexpectedly and we felt it would be too hard on my mum so we planned a small wedding.
This was 9 years ago now and fortunately it was my second marriage. We agreed to only invite people who had known us as a couple - close family and a few friends. We had 20 guests and it was a really wonderful day

99victoria · 18/01/2021 11:04

*eloping

AllTheChocolateNow · 18/01/2021 11:09

Have the conversation with your fiancé and see how he feels.

We had a tiny wedding. Our parents as witnesses at the registry office, then a lovely lunch in a posh restaurant afterwards with our siblings joining us. (Then DH and me went to the pub on our own for a bottle of champagne Grin.)

Very low-fuss but still felt special.

I was exactly the same as you - the idea of a meringue dress and 100 people looking at me (and cleaning out our savings!) filled me with dread!

maxelly · 18/01/2021 11:54

I think as others have said YANBU but then neither is your fiance BU in wanting some kind of celebration or marking of the event, obviously legally you are just as much married if you go to a registry office in jeans with 2 witnesses pulled off the street as if you have the full shebang complete with 200 guests in a castle, huge meringue dress, speeches, favours, 6 figure budget etc etc so none of those things should be compulsory. What you need to do is give some thought to what the aspects of "a wedding" are which fill you with dread and on the other hand what your fiance feels he actually wants from "a wedding", as just saying he wants one and you don't really doesn't help you communicate and agree. Hopefully that will eliminate a lot of your concerns and help you identify where you can both make compromises. Unpopular opinion coming up but I do think also it's right to consider your family and close friends in this, it's natural and normal to want to celebrate a major life event of the people you love with them, and also to look forward to weddings as a chance to get together on a happy occasion with people you otherwise don't see frequently, before I'm jumped on of course this shouldn't come above the feelings of the bride and/or groom if this will cause genuine distress or unhappiness, nor should this mean you feel you have to spend more than you can afford or waste lots of money on fripperies like favours or fancy outfits just to keep other people happy, but all other things being equal I do think it is a good thing to do to offer your loved ones the chance to celebrate with you in some form or other.

Some examples of really lovely non-wedding-y, non traditional weddings I've attended recently-ish to give you an idea of how it could work for you? Not that any of these are how you SHOULD do things, just how it COULD work? One was where the bride and groom had a short private civil ceremony at a local hotel with just their parents in attendance in the afternoon, then invited a wider circle including some other family members and very close friends (about 20 people I think) to a nice local restaurant for dinner -the bride did wear a wedding dress albeit a low key one but it wouldn't have been odd at all if she'd worn a normal dress, there were no speeches or readings although the bride's father (very briefly!) proposed a toast to the happy couple, no 'top table' as such as people were sat informally on benches, no real 'centre of attention' on the couple although of course everyone was delighted for them and congratulated them in a low key way etc. As it happens the groom's family stealthily paid for everyone's meals which was a nice surprise as the guests were fully expecting to pay for themselves so it needn't have cost the couple anything at all...

Another was where for religious reasons the ceremony happened separately (I think some religious family members attended but not many), then there was a reception/gathering in the bride's parents back garden with a marquee in case of bad weather, buffet food, champagne and mingling for again probably 30 - 50 guests, people dropped in and out throughout the day so there weren't that many at any one time, bride and groom wore traditional costume for this one but again could have worn anything without it seeming odd. No speeches, there was some music and dancing but again that was a cultural thing, there didn't need to be to make the day run IFSWIM. I expect this one actually cost quite a bit but that's because bride's mum went a bit mad providing very nice champagne and lots and lots of traditional food, I'm sure something similar could be done very cheaply with a BBQ or afternoon tea style catering and BYOB and still be lovely?

Another one there were some family conflict issues, bride and groom legally married privately at a register office, but invited friends only to a bar in the evening for a party, everyone dressed very casually and they did a fun 'home made' unofficial ceremony, 'officiated' by their best friends and with 'speeches' (very casual!) from anyone who wanted to make one, games, quizzes etc. This was very fun and personal, felt more like a hen/stag night than a 'wedding', although this was very much all eyes on the couple as they are very extroverted people, again something similar could 100% be done in a more low key way with the same sense of fun and informality...

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