Opinions needed - child custody

[lilfoxfur]

This is outing so I will have to be pretty vague, I'm sorry.

Whilst the schools are closed, custody of child is being split 50/50. Is usually 40/60 in favour of parent 1. Current custody is split Monday-Monday, swapping each week.

Parent 1 usually receives £160 a month child maintenance from parent 2. Parent 2 thinks that whilst the 50/50 arrangement is going ahead, parent 1 should not have this money however parent 1 says without the money, they will not agree to let parent 2 have 50/50 and will revert to the schedule used when schools are open.

Parent 1 will not allow parent 2 to FaceTime or contact the child in any way during their week with the child. Parent 2 would like to FaceTime the child once in the week they are with parent 1. The child would like this too, but parent 1 forbids parent 2 from any contact whatsoever and says that parent too is damaging their time with the child by trying to get in touch on "their" time.

Who is BU here? And why? Is parent 1 being abusive by not allowing the child and parent 2 to have any contact whatsoever every other week?

I think parent 1 is being abusive by not permitting contact with parent 2.

This might colour my view of the child support payments. I can see both sides of the argument regarding child maintenance. I think parent 1 should probably agree to a reduction but without further details, I don’t know if that should be 10% or 100%.

Thanks. Anyone else? I would really appreciate anyone's input as parent 1 is adamant they are in the right

If the custody is 50/50 I don’t see why any maintenance should be paid as it is equal care for the child.
In regards to contact it does depend partly on the age of the child. My DD is 14 now so can text me when at her dads house but I know if we had FaceTimed when she was younger it would’ve upset her lots to see me on the phone and then he gone without physically being with me.
I can see both sides but try and look at the effect it may have on the child, even if they say they want to FaceTime you

I wouldn't be declaring anyone "abusive" without more information about the wider context. Too vague.

My DD is 14 now so can text me when at her dads house but I know if we had FaceTimed when she was younger it would’ve upset her lots to see me on the phone and then he gone without physically being with me.

Useful example - similar to why school children are usually limited on calls home when taken away on residential trips; it causes upset that otherwise wouldn't be there rather than being a positive.

Very hard to say without context.

On the surface it looks like parent 1 is being unreasonable but we dont know whether parent 2 has form for chopping and changing the amount of maintenance they pay, or whether parent 2 has form for trying to interfere during parent 1's time.

Why use the P1/P2 when you are clearly P2 or at least on their side?

Child is 10.

Parent 2 has never interfered previously as never went longer than 2 or 3 days without having the child with them.

Yes I am P2 I just don't want P1 learning of this thread

Abusive is a strong word. Certainly unreasonable.

P2 needs to go to court to get something concrete in place.

Your partner's ex is being unreasonable to stop him from contacting the child. Is there a formal custody order for the 40/60 split and maintenance? If so, not much you can do to stop her reverting to that other than pay up.

Does parent 2 allow parent 1 face time on their time?

It depends with the maintenance, do you buy her clothes/ shoes etc? It's all included in maintenance. If you do then I don't think you should be paying it, and she definitely shouldn't be stopping thw 50/50 based on that either. I also think you should be able to speak to her, I couldn't imagine going a whole week without seeing my kids let alone not speaking to them

No formal custody arrangements in place no. The fact is P1 lives 5 mins from ds school and I live 10 miles hence before, I would have DS 3 weekends in 4 Fri -Sun and every Tuesday to Thursday morning.

I have told P1 that they are free to FaceTime DS anytime during my time however they choose not to as they say that DS needs to understand he has 2 lives that do not cross. I disagree with this I say he has 1 life and should be able to contact us both as he pleases.

I’m just thinking ‘poor child’ ☹️

@blue25

I’m just thinking ‘poor child’ ☹️

I do too. However, P1 is adamant that DS is perfectly happy without seeing me every other week.

Ds probably is happy with p1 kids can compartmentalise really well

Poor kid, moved around all the time so the parents get what they want.

It's unreasonable to threaten to withhold contact (not to mention cruel towards the child) but the issue of maintenance is far more tricky.

In general, I don't think it's fair (or legal?) to change maintenance agreements based on short term arrangements. This money helps pay for the child's primary residence and all associated costs like heating/food etc.

But 60/40 isn't that big a difference in custody...

Who pays for the majority of clothes, extra curricular activities etc? Can p1 afford to keep their house, and with it the child's security, if maintenance is reduced? Can p2 afford to do 50/50 whilst still paying the normal amount of maintenance?

No formal custody arrangements in place no. The fact is P1 lives 5 mins from ds school and I live 10 miles hence before, I would have DS 3 weekends in 4 Fri -Sun and every Tuesday to Thursday morning.

Am I wrong in thinking this is 50/50 or P2 actually having the kid more?

In 4 weeks
Every Tues to Thur - 8 nights
3 weekends in 4 - 6 nights

Also, you have more full days with no school.

Sounds like 2 adults who need to grow up and realise they are not sharing a hamster but a child.

Parent 2 thinks that whilst the 50/50 arrangement is going ahead, parent 1 should not have this money

Parent 2 is right. If parent 1 is threatening to reduce contact parent 1 should get a legal access arrangement in place:

Parent 2*

Honestly you're stopping paying maintenance on your child because it became 50/50 instead of 60/40?
Pay the maintenance.
See your child again.
Stop using them as a football to score points off your ex.