Lazy/disinterested DP/dad. Is this beyond repair?

[NandosIsOnJustEat]

When I met my long term partner one of the things that sealed the deal for me falling in love with him was what a devoted dad seemed to be with his DC.

Fast forward to having children with him myself I have learned over time that isn't the reality of the situation and it was easy to play the doting dad when he only had his eldest on weekends. He doesn't seem to get any actual joy from the kids.

I get very little time to myself so I really enjoy being able to soak in the bath for an hour of an evening a couple of times per week, I usually just shower.

Every time i bathe my peace will be disturbed by hearing a ruckus in the next room (we are in a flat)

The kids will be bombing about, messing around and he'll be getting irritated and frustrated instead of entertaining them.

When I got out of the bath earlier I asked why he doesn't just play with them, interact with them, keep them occupied, as opposed to just sitting on the sofa and getting overwhelmed because they're jumping around.

He didn't answer me.

I asked again, to which he replied "well what am I supposed to do?"

I suggested reading to them, getting down on the floor and playing with their toys/blocks. Singing songs. Rough and tumble etc.

He didnt answer again so the conversation was over.

There is a theme though, he doesn't actually do anything with them short of feeding them, changing nappies and baths which is the bare minimum. He might chase the eldest around once a week making him laugh but that's as far as 1 to 1 play goes.

Our eldest who is still quite young had to have genetics testing done, he's perfectly healthy it was just offered as part of an ASD assessment. It took DP a whole year to take him for the blood test despite me badgering him.

I could have done it myself but was adamant that he was going to do something for a change. Just one thing.

Pre covid he promised to take him to the SALT drop in service. He didn't.

I'm working my arse off trying to help DS learn to communicate. DP hasn't so much as watched two videos on speech and language development despite me sending him several.

He gets arsey if I remind him he hasn't done things.

Sourcing nurseries, dealing with GP's, HV, assessments, chasing provisions, applying for funding, forms, EHCP.. all of those things all fell to me.

Do you think he is a lost cause and it's a straight LTB or would you have a serious conversation and demand change?

If he’s chronically useless and you’ve tried to communicate with him - calmly, properly sat down with no distractions and tried to have a serious conversation about it all - then I’d make plans to leave.

I couldn’t have waited a year for something to do with my child’s health to make a point, that’s very odd, but you know how disengaged he is.

Is there anything good about him? Do you love him?

Lost cause, he won’t change. He’s lazy and doesn’t really care.

@AnneLovesGilbert

If he’s chronically useless and you’ve tried to communicate with him - calmly, properly sat down with no distractions and tried to have a serious conversation about it all - then I’d make plans to leave.

I couldn’t have waited a year for something to do with my child’s health to make a point, that’s very odd, but you know how disengaged he is.

Is there anything good about him? Do you love him?

We've had several conversations over the past 18 months but nothing much changes.

I can see your POV about waiting a year for him to take him for the test. Had it been time sensitive I'd have gone myself. I dug my heels in because I was adamant I was no longer doing everything myself.

He has some redeeming features, he can be kind and thoughtful (but he can also be a dick)

I do love him but I don't think I'm in love anymore. Things like this have chipped away at me over time.

Does being with him make life and parenting easier or harder overall?

If you imagine separating, living apart, would you miss him or would it be a relief?

Being a step parent can be very hard so if you split up you’d only be worrying about caring for your own children, which is a consideration.

It reminds me a little of my dad, not a bad guy in any sense. He had no idea how to communicate with young children. He also lacks confidence when doing something for the first time so what might appear as lazy or disinterested could be a lack of confidence. Only you can say how much of a deal breaker this is for you, will resentment grow? Is he a hindrance? Can he be helped, even if that help has to come from hand holding and guidance that may seem ridiculous for an adult to need.

It sounds like a tough decision for you, luckily this is not time sensitive, look through your options, decide what you can or can’t put up with. I wish you luck

I'm afraid this is the case of actions speak louder than words. My ex was the same, talked the talked, play the role in front of people. Behind closed doors it was a different story all together. He was lazy, un interested and quite frankly awful. He saw the children as to what they could bring to him, how they made him look rather than his role as a parent to them.
It's a really sad thing to see and devastating as the mother / partner. I was always hopeful things would change, he always promised and I convinced myself as the children got older he would get better. It never did.

I'm sure he loves them he just has no drive to parent which is my main bug bear.

As for whether life would be easier or harder with him not about, its a tough one. There are pros and cons. I think I would miss him but whilst he's here and nothing changes then resentment will fester.

I'm very close with his older DC's in fact the eldest has started referring to me as "my step mum" and they would be devastated if we split up, two broken homes

Just a thought as ASD can run in families, do you think he possibly has ASD himself? If so he could well find it very difficult to do any kind of make believe/imaginative play. And things like the blood test could be down to PDA which is linked to ASD.

Have the conversation. Point out that it is a dealbreaker. He participates in family life (all aspects) or he can live on his own.

See what reaction you get. (But be prepared to follow through)

I was thinking exactly the same as Thatcher. Could he possibly have ASD himself? Often people only notice traits in the parents when a child is diagnosed as so little recognition previously. Sounds like he does do practical things for them but totally lacks imagination as to how to entertain them. If you imagine for a moment he has ASD traits could you actually tell him what to do when going into bath eg play cards with the kids while l have a bath. Would he do it?

I've done some reading on the genetic link this morning. Thank you for suggesting that may be the case as it could be possible, although he would never agree to being assessed himself.

I'm going to have a serious chat with him this week.

could you actually tell him what to do when going into bath eg play cards with the kids while l have a bath. Would he do it?

Possibly. Admittedly I have been relying on him using his own initiative.

I also agree with Thatcher, DH was recently diagnosed ASD after our dc were but I recognised it when the children were young

He didn’t understand how to play or do things with the dc and had to be given tasks with clear descriptions

Even now I spend a good deal of time explaining what he needs to do and why with them. He’s a good dad but needed help to understand how to parent

Understanding that ASD made him behave in this way was key to helping keep our marriage successful, stop and think about it for a while, it may change how you view him and his input with the children

My dh is similar to yours, though doesn't sound quite as bad. He wants to come home from work and chill on his phone, I understand hes missing his friends and this is his way of keeping in touch with others, however it was getting to our dds as they were so excited he was home and happy to see someone else and he was ignoring them.

Before lockdown hed put the tv on for them while I made dinner but atm they watch a bit of tv during the day while I catch up with stuff so I dont want more tv on. I had to have a good stern with with dh, he has listened and is trying but its definitely something I'm watching

@NandosIsOnJustEat glad you’re having a read about it . Both of my DC are diagnosed ASD, they have different fathers and through learning about ASD all of a sudden my own life makes a lot more sense! I am not diagnosed but to be honest I don’t feel the need as I am in no doubt . I have pretty much always been a single parent and I felt terribly guilty when they were younger that I wasn’t engaging with them by playing games etc but now I realise why I found that so hard.

In the case of your DH, if he has ASD he might find it a sensory bit overload when 2 little kids are bombing about and he might just kind of shut down, I know I’ve done that.

The good thing is I’m sure there’s plenty of stuff he can do with them to be a great parent, particularly as they get older. Taking them for walks and talking about what they see, taking them for days out (once we can of course). One of my DC has a shared hobby with me so we have that which is lovely and we spend a lot of time together there. I expect you will find that as they get older and are more able to have proper conversations he’ll find it easier to engage with them. That might be part of the reason he seems so good with his older DC, as well as the fact that because they are just with him for a couple of days he can summon the energy to engage with them and not get burnt out.

This is of course assuming that he does have ASD . Even if he doesn’t want to investigate this further I think you could quite confidently come to your own conclusions by reading about ASD traits in adult men wrt parenting and relationships.

So odd how this inept specimen is capable of breeding child after child after child, but mysteriously becomes inept when any actual parenting should occur. Almost as if he wants to palm it off on to the latest girlfriend because it’s beneath him. Do better next time.

I was looking into the Understanding Autism course available through the open university yesterday and asked whether he would be interested in doing it with me. He got visibly annoyed at me for asking.

I asked what the problem with and explained I thought it would be beneficial for our child with ASD. He ranted that he wasn't academic and wouldn't take any of it in and it would be 'boring'

I said ok that's your decision but why are you so annoyed with me for asking? He replied that I was 'peer pressuring' him into doing something he didn't want to do. Bloody peer pressuring him, by asking him if he'd like to expand his knowledge on the condition our DS has been diagnosed with!

Even the suggestion that he watches a webinar or a couple of short YouTube videos results about autism in children, communication tips, how to manage meltdowns results in him getting uppity and defensive.

It may well be that he does have ASD/PDA but I still need him to be a proactive parent and support me with the "boring" stuff, his words not mine. Nothing is going to change is it? He's too stuck in his ways.

The conversation ended abruptly with me saying not everything is about him and sometimes in life you have to do things you don't necessarily enjoy, for the sake of your children.

This is how he is and he will not change. Bear that in mind as you decide what to do from this point. Do not make any decision that includes changing.

He’s not going to change. Because he doesn’t want to. Being selfish and disengaged is how he likes it.

So now what?

Maybe he was the same with previous relationship.