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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is this normal (5 year old)

26 replies

Readysetcake · 17/01/2021 19:29

My 5 year old DD has be unbelievably difficult the last couple of weeks. So much attitude, nasty comments, not listening, purposely winding her little brother up, which she seems to relish. Really pushing the boundaries. My husband and I are finding it really difficult to cope with on top in homeschool and working and toddler tantrums from the youngest etc.

Is this just a normal phase? Or AIBU to her and doing something wrong? I try to love bomb her and spend time with her and keep my patience but it is so hard. Is this perhaps a result of lockdown and feeling all over the place rather than just her personality?! She’s always been strong willed and competitive and highly emotional and prone to massive tantrums when a toddler. I just don’t know what to do. I just feel I spend every minute of everyday in battle with her. It’s so draining on top of everything else in this shit show.

I know I’m BU for posting here and admit it is for traffic mostly. But also can’t help shake the feeling that my husband and I are causing it somehow? I feel like I’m the wrong Mum for her and just never get it rightSad

OP posts:
AndcalloffChristmas · 17/01/2021 19:33

I think you just have to hold the (reasonable) boundaries, as this both makes her feel safe and shows her what behaviour is unacceptable. Sensible consequences whilst staying calm (easier said than done I know).

My Ds is six and can be similar, especially with the insecurity of lockdown which can make things feel up in the air. I’ve noted some “too young” behaviours we saw last lockdown rearing their head again already...

Treaclepie19 · 17/01/2021 19:34

I honestly almost posted this earlier. Exactly the same. I suspect additional needs with our 5yo but he has been really hard work.

Ponoka7 · 17/01/2021 19:37

So did she start school in September 2020? I'd put it down to not returning. They get fed up at the end of the summer holidays and this is similar.

I'd give all of you extra leeway and pick your battles.

Original poster
Readysetcake · 17/01/2021 19:53

Sympathies treacle it’s so hard.

We always stick to the boundaries (no hitting, throwing a tantrum doesn’t get your own way etc.) Simple consistent consequences. She was really enjoying school (she did start in September) and is sad she’s not going back. Hates home learning.

I just feel so down as there is no end in sight to lockdown or her behaviour and at a loss of what to do.

OP posts:
wideskies · 17/01/2021 20:01

It's so boring for them, they can't be around their friends and home schooling is quite challenging at that age. I think try and make things as light and fun as possible, and make a massive effort to reward good behaviour with attention. I can't believe how much encouragement and praise is necessary to get through a days homeschooling, but it does seem to keep my DDs spirits up and it's a lot easier than battles.

We are all finding it tough right now OP, you have my solidarity!

Gibbonsgibbonsgibbons · 17/01/2021 20:07

This might not apply at all but my 5 yr old is doing a lot of over dramatic over emotional stuff (everyone hates her/leaves her out etc) just now & I have assumed it’s linked to her suddenly picking up reading. My older children have all done a similar thing around the time they picked up reading (which has varied from 5 to 7 as we home Ed & dont “teach” reading) - sleep also seems to go to pot at this time Confused

Some amazing brain re-wiring going on I think! Don’t battle I find it works much better to sympathise about how hard it is to be five- big and little at the same time etc

I know some people hate it but I always find “this too shall pass” very comforting Flowers

MessAllOver · 17/01/2021 20:09

She's probably anxious, lonely and unstimulated. And too little really to process everything that's been happening. And, if you and your DH are both working, you probably don't have that much time for her either.

How strict are her school being on homeschooling? Could you forget about the homeschooling and just set her some fun activities to do? Like find an old camera and send her out in the garden to take some pictures of bugs, that sort of thing.

GreenSlide · 17/01/2021 20:15

Loads of kids are acting out at the minute, they're scared and bored of being locked up Thanks

KylieKangaroo · 17/01/2021 20:20

My DD is the same since lockdown, I've pretty much given up on home school and just let her play all day. It must be so confusing for them, get ready for school, get settled in, and now oh sorry you can't go to school! I think most rules are out the window at the mo!

MissBaskinIfYoureNasty · 17/01/2021 20:22

Normal!
DH and I noticed our five year old has gone from being the chilled out happy kid in the family to a bit of a cow bag. Really full of attitude, staying up late messing about in her room, loads of attention seeking. We thought back to when our son was 5 and remembered going through a really rough patch with him at that age. He is 8 now and much more enjoyable to be around! 5 is a dodgy age.

Mochatatts · 17/01/2021 20:27

Both my boys were difficult/challenging/sometimes unlikeable from the ages of 5 to 9ish. Not much I can suggest other than keep the boundaries. Know that it isn't just you. Obviously the current situation won't help but it is probably just a phase. Sending virtual hugs xx

Whererainfalls · 17/01/2021 20:32

My nearly five-year-old is being a complete pain in the arse at the moment. I'm not in the UK and we're not in lockdown, so it's not that. I think it's just her age, tbh. Hoping it gets better soon, because atm, she's testing all the time.

Treaclepie19 · 17/01/2021 20:35

Its really hard for them, and us.
My ds is the same, doesn't understand why we have to work at home. He understands about the virus but just wants home and school to be separate. He was really thriving at school and he has an almost 4 month old baby sister to get used to as well.
Its been another day of screaming, hitting and throwing and its just really hard to constantly be calm and reassuring.

Pyracantha1 · 17/01/2021 20:36

I could have written this word for word. My 5.5 year old has been such a nightmare, and like you I am at a loss.

No wise words here, however like others I do feel that the crazy year we have had hasn't helped. It's not just about this current lockdown but how their little lives have been turned upside down since last March.

turtletattle · 17/01/2021 20:59

My dd asked me when she was going back to school today - I don't suppose she can remember before covid in any detail. I know it's awful for us but their lives are pretty miserable. Sit here, do this boring worksheet, and if you're lucky you can see your friends on screen for 20 minutes and then go and trudge around the park (again).

It's hard to keep calm, we've got no outlet for a break from them and they don't how an outlet for a break from us either!

Doremifasol · 17/01/2021 21:11

My DD is also 5 and her behaviour has dramatically changed in this lockdown. She was never a child who would normally cry a lot but omg now its like all the time, tantrums over getting dressed up, food I mean literally everything is a battle. both DH and I work from home, stressfull jobs, lots of zoom calls and she is just so bored at times that it breaks my heart. Also only child so no one to play with. I honestly think it's the result of lockdown- lack of stimulation and boredom.

Original poster
Readysetcake · 17/01/2021 21:16

Thank you for your replies. It’s comforting to know I’m not the only one with these difficulties.

You’re so right turtle it’s bloody miserable for them. I do sympathise with her so much. She’s also had so much change in the last year. The first lockdown, we moved house across the country in the summer, she started school in September then more lockdowns. I know she is bored (aren’t we all?!). I just feel we’ve go into an awful cycle and I’ve not had the head space to really break with everything’s that’s been going On and while trying to deal with work.

treacle your day sounds a lot like ours. Sending Flowers. I hope things get better soon.

We don’t really push the school work but I’m going to ease up off it even more and try and do lots of fun things. I’m going to make a real effort this week to really engage and see how the behaviour goes.

OP posts:
Firsttimecatlady · 17/01/2021 21:19

Almost every child I know (including mine!) are showing similar behaviours, on a sliding scale of severity. I really feel that for most of them, it’s a reaction to the pandemic and current lockdown. Even if it’s not talked about in front of them, they are picking up the vibe, and it’s terrifying at times for adults, so for little ones, really, it’s so so hard. They’ve no control, they are angry, scared and confused about the changes and how the adults are seeming, bored... The only way they can express it is through their behaviour.
Sending lots of support though OP, we’re stressed out too, and that makes dealing with challenging behaviour 100 harder- be kind to yourselves. Xx

Caterina99 · 17/01/2021 21:32

My 5.5 year old DS is being horrible recently. I do feel bad for him as so much he likes has been taken away. He does understand about covid, but also hes 5 so he doesn’t really. He asks when he can go back to school, go to soft play, go to his friends house.

It’s draining. I try to be consistent with discipline, but of course it’s hard when you’re exhausted and stressed yourself

turtletattle · 17/01/2021 21:44

The relationship has got to be more important than the school work - we had a few days where we just ditched it this week and still enough time to catch up the important bits. Fingers crossed there is a plan for when schools will re open soon!

MyCatShopsAtAldi · 17/01/2021 22:16

I have a 5 year old and he is being awful at the moment. Lots of attitude, defiance, rudeness, quite provocative behaviour and also hitting. He has these outbursts where he basically lashes out physically and starts trying to throw things and so on.

I think in his case it’s lockdown and Covid plus a delayed reaction to new sibling (who is one now and mobile so a much bigger threat). Basically, he is acting like a three year old but with the verbal and physical abilities of a tall 5 year old.

We are going in for love bombing, lots of cuddles, and very clear boundaries/warnings about what will happen. Even have to do this for putting his bloody socks on but there you go. It is hard work. Someone asked me why I’m not doing Dry January.Grin

Oneweekleft · 17/01/2021 22:23

I came across this lady on YouTube and she's helped me alot with a new approach to home schooling etc. She also made a video on how to cope with difficult behaviour

Sometimeswinning · 17/01/2021 22:30

My usually chilled 5 year old is crazy. One second she hates us. Then tears because she loves us. Headache, tummyache, has a cough (whenever we're out) She misses school and her friends. She also has 2 older siblings I'm helping with school work. I've spoken to other parents from her class and our stories are all similar. Roll on normality!

Treaclepie19 · 17/01/2021 23:40

Thank you OP. Gosh, really needed this thread tonight! Bedtimes have gone awful too so it's just constant.

(Sorry for all the typos, have been mainly replying while holding the baby!)

junebirthdaygirl · 18/01/2021 02:03

Aside from lockdown, when children start school it's difficult to describe how tired they get. The whole discipline of the situation is like a massive workout for them and it takes a good while to adjust both physically and mentally . This manifests itself emotionally. I have taught this age group a lot over the years and usually find when they come back after the Christmas break they are able for it. But this year that's not happening. So add on to that normal exhaustion Covid, parents working at home etc it would be no wonder they would be out of sorts. Remember children are finely tuned into your moods so your understandable stress is going to affect them too. Hang in there.