Is it rude to say this?

[Santaselfhasarrived]

Is it immature to respond “ok” to a message when you’re trying to have a serious conversation about your dc with an ex?

The man is driving me absolutely insane and I want to jump down the phone and throttle him.

All he does is blame me for him not being around for our dc, he’s seen them 8 times since September 2019 and is constantly telling me I keep them from him as I won’t let him in my house anymore as he was violent towards me.

I text him today asking if I’m such a bad mum and he’s such an amazing father why the hell hasn't he been involved or offered any help with their home learning or asking if we need any help at all during Covid and why if he wants the dc in his life or to be involved in theirs, Why hasn’t he Even informed Them that they have a new sibling. I asked if he has anything set up for them in his house or does he expect them to sleep on a sofa or a blowup bed, which they was expected to sleep on before in a house with one person they don’t know at all and one who thinks it’s ok to flit in and out of their lives and only calls once every few months and have no relationship with. His response was “ok”

I’ve never stopped contact and he’s able to call whenever he wants and they can also call him if they choose to, but they don’t want to which he has also taken issue with and is blaming me for.

What grown adult does that?

He answered "ok" because that's all he's got. He's an absent, useless parent and he knows it.

It’s so bloody annoying. I would love to give him the benefit of the doubt as he keeps telling me he’s changed and grown up, but this just shows me that he hasn’t change an ounce.

Ok is a crap response but his behaviour shows he clearly doesn't understand anyway. It's easier for him to say 'ok' and now blame you for him not seeing them as 'an air bed wasn't good enough' and on and on and on

He asks to see the dc or have them stay over and as I said I’ve always allowed him to take them out when he’s asked, but have said no to overnights until he is more consistent in phone contact as well as regular daytime contact.
Which he then responds to with anger, calling me bitter and that I’m just jealous of his life and the fact he has moved on has a girlfriend and baby we split up 8 years ago and he’s had two relationships since then as have I and he was doing the same thing when we were together.

@PandemicPalava I have no issue with an air bed if it was an occasional thing, but not as a long term permanent solution.
The reason i bought it up to him was the last time he asked for them to stay, he lied and said he’d brought them a bunk bed then on the day he was meant to have them told me he couldn’t as the shop sold out of airbeds so they couldn’t stay. That was two years ago.

Ok

Seriously, though, the guy sounds full of excuses.

I would respond with very basic sentences. Such as:

“Ok. Nowhere to sleep. No overnight stay. Ok.”

Try not to get drawn in. Use this sort of communication as a template.

Stop engaging.

Just say on repeat: once you have got a decent pattern with the kids and somewhere proper for them to stay.

Don't go over the past.

The man is driving me absolutely insane and I want to jump down the phone and throttle him

Men who are violent are generally (always?) controlling. Winding you up is a way of continuing to control you. He uses the children because they are the thing you care about most and because he knows they are the only thing you will continue to engage with you about.

Blame is a great manipulative tactic for such men because they can use on people who care. You will examine his opinions because you are a conscientious and caring person and want the best for your children. However, rather than have an emotional reaction, try and step back and be curious about what he is doing every time he starts to wind you up. It creates some emotional distance and will enable you to see which manipulative and gaslighting tactic he is using now.

His behaviour is clearly not adult but he will not change because it suits him to be like this. He can get his needs met, i.e. plenty of attention - even negative attention - without actually having to make the effort to be a decent person who is considerate to others.

Try and read up about the ways manipulative men operate as it may help you to not get upset by his behaviour.

He sounds disinterested, but I read your OP as though you'd initiated the conversation out the blue. It sounded like an attack on him and all the things he hasn't done that you think he should. I'd have probably responded with ok to an ex of 8 years that sent that.
I'm not suggesting he's great but realistically what response will you get to a long list of accusations?

I try to engage with him as little as possible, but he bloody annoyed me today. I actually text him the day before asking for a receipt for the gift he got them as it wasn’t working, but he ignored me so I asked again and it just descended into ww3.

@NovemberR it wasn’t just an attack out of the blue, i literally only asked for a receipt or for him to take the item back and exchange it and he went on a rant, which I initially didn’t respond to but what he said really pissed me off so I told him some home truths.

@Googlebrained I know he’s manipulative and is horribly verbally and at time’s has been physically abusive to me.
I know he knows the only way to control or hurt me is through my dc and he’s said as much to me.
Now that we’ve had this argument today, he won’t call them for another few weeks the issue I contacted him for won’t get resolved, so I’ll end up replacing the item he needs to change and he’s got away with being a crap dad yet again and will come back and blame me for saying all that stuff to as to why he didn’t give me the receipt the man is an open book and I’ve read every page.

Mirror his responses and messages. He knows you well enough to know what winds you up. Play him at his own game. Stop explaining and asking things of him, he's obviously not that bothered.

My guess: He doesn’t have the receipt and he doesn’t want you to figure out he didn’t buy this thing himself so he created a diversion.

Tbh if I received your text I would probably reply the same.

Don’t engage with him again unless it’s something urgent to do with the DC. He sounds feckless but it really isn’t worth getting yourself all wound up over. Be the bigger person and resist the urge to send ranty texts.

He's shutting you down because he can't be bothered.

He’s getting a reaction from you.
Don’t do it.
Next time ask for the receipt then when he gets personal just ignore.
Men like him don’t like being ignored, it’s your best weapon.

Tbh, regardless of how you dress it up, you started this! Certainly on this occasion.

I also think that though contact is erratic. If the children are able to have full days contact when it happens, then you are withholding contact by refusing overnights. Given your children are 8+,it would, imo, be better for them to have the opportunity to stay overnight regardless of the current bed situation then to decide whether to repeat or not.

Let's be honest no parent is going to buy bunk beds when to date you've refused the overnights on the off chance you suddenly "approve".

He may well infuriating, but right now this reflects on you as the one who hasn't been able to separate past issues move on and act in the best interests of the children rather than scoring points and telling "home truths". All that will have happened is you've reaffirmed why you're the ex and probably helped any portrayal of you as a mad ex when he shows the message to others!

@Googlebrained

The man is driving me absolutely insane and I want to jump down the phone and throttle him

Men who are violent are generally (always?) controlling. Winding you up is a way of continuing to control you. He uses the children because they are the thing you care about most and because he knows they are the only thing you will continue to engage with you about.

Blame is a great manipulative tactic for such men because they can use on people who care. You will examine his opinions because you are a conscientious and caring person and want the best for your children. However, rather than have an emotional reaction, try and step back and be curious about what he is doing every time he starts to wind you up. It creates some emotional distance and will enable you to see which manipulative and gaslighting tactic he is using now.

His behaviour is clearly not adult but he will not change because it suits him to be like this. He can get his needs met, i.e. plenty of attention - even negative attention - without actually having to make the effort to be a decent person who is considerate to others.

Try and read up about the ways manipulative men operate as it may help you to not get upset by his behaviour.

This is excellent advice. He will not change Nothing you say or do will change him. Stop trying. What he is doing is sitting back while you get angry and wound up. He replies OK because he knows it will wind you up. Please stop texting him, you will lose your temper and then he will use it against you.

Visualise yourself dropping the end of a rope and then do it .

OP it’s hard when you want an adult relationship with someone who has behaved totally unreasonably. I think you need to understand that he is not going to give you what you want- I am saying this from a place of sympathy. Trying to get a douchebag not to be a douchebag is am impossible task. So I would recommend toddler training for this person- set boundaries, be firm and wait for him to grow up. Maybe in five years or so he will get it.

@MotherExtraordinaire I started Absolutely nothing, my first text was simply “the gift you got ds doesn’t work so can you change it or give me the receipt and I’ll do it”
I sent that Friday morning and got no response, so asked again on Saturday afternoon and got a barrage of abuse, which ignored at first but he started with his usual response of blaming me as to why the dc don’t call him and I went mad, because quite frankly I’ve had enough of a man who doesn’t even know what his child’s middle name is telling me I’m an awful mother!

The reason I’m the ex is because he couldn’t keep his penis in his pants! I couldn’t careless if people want to consider me the “crazy ex” You honestly have no idea how many years I have tried with this man. I also do not expect anyone to go and buy anything for on the off chance they might stay, but I do except for them to be comfortable when they go to their dads.
The bed situation previously was something he had completely lied about and used as an excuse not to have them, because he’d made other plans with his friends and didn’t want to cancel, so chose not to have his dc instead and in between then and now, he completely disappeared moved away and didn’t contact the dc for months.
It isn’t me stopping him from having overnight contact just for the fun of It or because I’m living in the past I am doing what’s best for my children. As I am the parent who’s stuck around and had to deal with years worth of tears from them. When he decides he doesn’t want have them or doesn’t turn up for contact.

Ds1 has severe anxiety and had been going to counselling because of all of this and I’m sorry but I’ll be damned if I allow him to keep coming and going In their lives disrupting it.

If he wants overnight contact I have no issue, but he needs to be consistent before that happens, he needs to regain their trust not mine and build a relationship with them.