To think my friend is putting herself in danger?!

[InvisibleMoonDancer]

Friend has met this man online who she is besotted with. They have been seeing each other a few months but only got together properly 2 weeks ago when wife finally filed stalking and harassment charges on him.

Until then he was seeing my friend but still wanted his wife who made it clear she did not want anything to do with him and she had ended the relationship and kicked him out 6 months ago. Despite this, by his own admission he bombarded her with messages then when she blocked him he made numerous fake accounts, emailed her and even followed her around in his car and would drive up and down her street at night! This went on from the day she left him until 6 months later when charges were pressed.
Friend is convinced he has changed and that he would never do this again as it took the police charges to dawn on him how wrong his behaviour was .
I don't want to fall out with her as she's been my rock during the past few months and we go years back but when I mentioned I was worried for her she went immediately very defensive and insisted he's not like that anymore.
What should I do? I want her to be safe but I don't want her to fall out with me?
I'm worried for her safety if she continues a relationship with this man.
She has 3 grown up dc and great parents who she sees a lot so she does have a good support system but the problem is they don't know his past.
Aibu to think if he did this to his ex wife he will do it to her if she ends the relationship in the future or is it really a one off and he's learnt from his mistake?

How awful. Unfortunately, all you can do is stay her friend and keep close tabs on this man.

Watch for signs of her not being able to come out as much etc.

Was about to say presumably she is an adult, but is she has adult children - so definitely is.
Let her make her own decisions - she is aware of your concerns, let the friendship drift a bit if needs be, but don't engage with them as a couple, but make it clear she knows where you are should she need you.
If you know her parents, maybe express your concerns to them?

"Friend is convinced he has changed and that he would never do this again as it took the police charges to dawn on him how wrong his behaviour was hmm."

Brilliant so he has no boundaries up untill police charges, can't see that ending badly at all

can you confide in her ACs ?
i wouldn't worry elderly parents. they are already vulnerable, stress can increase it.

Ooft.

No, you definitely have a right to be worried. But given his type, if you go in heavy handed you will be cut off.

State your concerns and be ready when it all goes wrong.

Classic abuser behaviour; minimising abuse,rewriting history,false promises,manipulation,love bombing,turning on the charm,isolating their victim from friends and family who recognise and warn the victim of the threat of abuse.................

My best friend was stalked by her crazy bitter EH;the police were involved eventually but even though it's been at least 6 years since the police have been involved he still keeps subtle tags on her he thinks she doesn't know about and still occasionally rears his ugly head to periodically cause an issue.

Your friends new nightmare isn't over his ex by a long shot and your friend is what's known as the new supply.The current issue is the more people try to protect her the more she'll pull away

So let me get this straight... This man has told her his ex has pressed charges for stalking and harassment? And she didn't immediately block him? Your friend has lost her fucking mind.

I would not be able to hold my tongue about this.

@Aquamarine1029

So let me get this straight... This man has told her his ex has pressed charges for stalking and harassment? And she didn't immediately block him? Your friend has lost her fucking mind.

I would not be able to hold my tongue about this.

I believe he was backed into a corner after my friend found a letter from the police about his charges and he came clean about the whole thing after she threatened to leave him. He completely played it off in my eyes though and made himself out to be the victim and ex wife to be the horrible vicious one who played mind games which caused him to behave in this way . I'm seriously very concerned about her, she's been known to not make the best decisions in the past and has suffered on and off with mental health issues which makes her quite vulnerable. I believe this is why she hasn't run for the hills . I'm not going to over step my place and interfere any more but my god I wish she would change her mind on this one.

@Wheresmykimchi

Ooft.

No, you definitely have a right to be worried. But given his type, if you go in heavy handed you will be cut off.

State your concerns and be ready when it all goes wrong.

I think you're absolutely right.

@Sinful8

"Friend is convinced he has changed and that he would never do this again as it took the police charges to dawn on him how wrong his behaviour was hmm."

Brilliant so he has no boundaries up untill police charges, can't see that ending badly at all

Exactly, and even after the police charges made him realise his wrong behaviour it's actually all ex wife's fault for "playing mind games" with him which made him act out of character .

@popsydoodle4444

Classic abuser behaviour; minimising abuse,rewriting history,false promises,manipulation,love bombing,turning on the charm,isolating their victim from friends and family who recognise and warn the victim of the threat of abuse.................

My best friend was stalked by her crazy bitter EH;the police were involved eventually but even though it's been at least 6 years since the police have been involved he still keeps subtle tags on her he thinks she doesn't know about and still occasionally rears his ugly head to periodically cause an issue.

Your friends new nightmare isn't over his ex by a long shot and your friend is what's known as the new supply.The current issue is the more people try to protect her the more she'll pull away

This is an awful thought. I have no idea how my friend would cope having to deal with any of that. I can only hope it all fizzles out amicably, although that's probably rather unlikely.

Can you encourage her to request information about him under the Domestic Violence Disclosure Scheme (Claire's law)? She may be more wary of him if he has a longer history of this type of behaviour. If she won't do it herself, do you know enough about him to request the information yourself?

Whatever you do, I would be careful not to alienate her. She will need her friends if he is abusive.

I wonder how that looked.

Jenny, my ex and I are finally over and she's filed harassment against me.

Oh amazing Kevin! I can't wait to start our lives together !

Ive bee there with the abusive harassing ex Op. I hope it turns out better for your friend.

You can apply for a Clare's Law disclosure on her behalf. It's called Right to Ask when a third party submits the application on someone else's behalf.

If you Google your local police force and Clare's Law you'll get instructions how to do it, basically the Police will hold a multi agency meeting and discuss the application. They will then disclose any relevant offending history to her. This can be anything from previous domestic reports to violent offending history outside of domestic relationships if they feel it is relevant to disclose. Having worked in this field if he is showing this behaviour I would hazard a guess that there is previous behaviour that would be disclosed to her. It's all done pretty quickly, days rather than weeks, and you can include on the application that she has found paperwork from the Police which is very concerning.

You won't be given any response but she will, and she won't be told you've made the application, however if she's told you what she knows so far she's clearly trusting of you so this might not be an issue. A disclosure will give her the knowledge as to whether to carry on with the relationship. Ultimately if she wants to be in a relationship with him no one can stop her, but you will have done everything you can to try and keep her safe from him.

Please put the application in, give her the tools to make an informed decision about her future.

Also the Clare's Law disclosure will be factual, it will remove the emotional "it wasn't my fault, she forced me to act that way" blame response he is giving her

My ex did all of this to me when I ended things, honestly wondering whether it’s the same guy! He bombarded me with texts and calls, used other people’s phones or phone boxes after I blocked his number, would sometimes park up outside my house and just sit there, posted letters through my door, followed me to work a few times a week and would shout things at me from his car. It only all stopped when he assaulted me in the street, he jumped me as I was leaving a shop one morning. I called the police and he left me alone after that. It went on for months, it was a total nightmare.

Hope it’s not the same guy because he’s a real piece of work, he was abusive right throughout our relationship mostly emotionally but occasionally physically. This was a few years back now so definitely potential for him to have married since...

Your friend needs to tread carefully regardless, good men do not stalk and harass women.

@Norwayreally

My ex did all of this to me when I ended things, honestly wondering whether it’s the same guy! He bombarded me with texts and calls, used other people’s phones or phone boxes after I blocked his number, would sometimes park up outside my house and just sit there, posted letters through my door, followed me to work a few times a week and would shout things at me from his car. It only all stopped when he assaulted me in the street, he jumped me as I was leaving a shop one morning. I called the police and he left me alone after that. It went on for months, it was a total nightmare.

Hope it’s not the same guy because he’s a real piece of work, he was abusive right throughout our relationship mostly emotionally but occasionally physically. This was a few years back now so definitely potential for him to have married since...

Your friend needs to tread carefully regardless, good men do not stalk and harass women.

Similar here only worse.

Mine eventually fucked off after being charged but roll on several years and I was contacted as he'd done it to some poor.other soul.

He might stop the outward, visible signs of his behaviour - eg not driving up her street constantly or bombarding her with contact - but I’d find it hard to believe that his internal mindset will have magically changed without professional help. By that, I mean a mindset that makes him think that he’s entitled to force him presence upon people, to frighten women, to lie and deceive and create false identities. That kind of character doesn’t respect boundaries or other people and I think it makes him rather dangerous.

*his

He sounds awful and you are absolutely right to be worried. It's horrible when you can see what's happening but the person involved doesn't. From my expeirence, they don't often listen and if you push the issue too much, you risk alienating your friend or she'll simply stop confiding in you. She's a grown woman and must know really that his past behaviour does not bode well - she is either choosing not to see it or is already controlled by this man. Go easy, be an ear for her and try to keep close to monitor the situation. Unfortunately, it's up to your her to come to her senses in her own time.