Lonely, in a relationship and maladaptive daydreaming

[stillusingxmaszoflora]

I've been in a loveless marriage for a long time. Separate beds, no sex. We're quite young and there is no intimacy. He doesn't care about asking me anything about myself, or even being kind to me. He isn't unkind either.
Our relationship is just us asking completely functional questions to each-other and sitting on the sofa in silence at the end of the day.
I'm so lonely. I have retreated into my fantasy world where people actually acknowledge me. I've lost a lot of weight and sometimes I feel like I'm waiting to fall asleep so I can dream again. It's so pathetic. I feel like a character in a George Eliot novel.
I should leave but then I'd still be alone. I wouldn't want to find anyone else as it would affect my DC's too much. But I can't carry on like this, I feel so empty. At least at work I can distract myself and people tell me I'm useful and laugh at my jokes. At home I am a ghost, no one would care if I was gone until they wanted their satsuma peeled.

I never thought I would end up this way.

You know this isn't healthy. See your GP.
Also ask for counselling - therapy will make all the difference to accepting yourself as a real and deserving human being.

You say you are quite young. How young? However young or old, if a no-sex relationship doesn't work for you, you need to get out of it.

See a solicitor about divorce, very soon. Very, very soon.

Being alone with your children is not like being alone in a marriage. You might be lonely for adult company, but at least you'll know why.

So, see the gp, get on a waiting list for therapy, see a solicitor. You haven't 'ended up like this'. You are in a phase preparing for your next move. Like the caterpillar in the chrysalis going through all those messy changes ready to be a butterfly.

I just worry that actual this nothingness is better than the manic nature of change.
My DC's would have to move, not see their dad everyday, I would be responsible for everything, things would be much more fraught. Their dad would live in a bed sit and be miserable. Is it worth it? Giving up their stability so their mum can what?
My life wouldn't be like it was before children. No dancing. More bills, more bailiffs, more overtime, more stressed, snappy mum worrying if she'd done the right thing.

Yes, the change could be very disruptive and upsetting.

But this is your life. Yours. You are entitled to live it, not exist through it.

Think it through and make a decision. If divorce is the right thing for you, do it. No-one else on this earth will make a decision that puts you first. No-one else has to. You are entitled to do that and it's your responsibility. When you get to the end of your life, you don't want to be looking back saying 'Well, I wasted it!'

@Hailtomyteeth I know what you mean but my mum was a 25 year single mum. She didn't go on a date until I was 18. In my opinion she wasted a good portion of her life too, because she put me first. Don't I owe my DC's the same?

Erm... I was much like your mum. Put my dd first. Kept myself to myself. There's more than one way to skin a cat, as my mother used to say. You sort out a nice life for you and your dcs, but don't forget that you will need time to yourself to get out and meet people. You can have a good life. Try it. x

Tbh your OP makes you sound as if you're depressed, understandably.

I lived for many years lonely in my marriage and I suffered with depression for a good deal of that time because it's soul destroying.

Eventually I told him I couldn't live with him any more. It was the best thing I could have done.

I won't say it was easy, certainly not at first.

He was quite controlling. He controlled all our finances and I was a SAHM. Suddenly I found myself having to deal with everything on my own. Trust me, it's easier than you think.

I didn't date for many years, not because of the children but because I just didn't want to, and that was fine for me. I got myself a job and made a life for myself and my children that worked for us.

Your children will know that you're unhappy and will pick up on the unhappy relationship you have with your husband. They might very well be happier out of that strained situation.

I can't imagine that your husband is happy either, but that's not for you to worry about. He's an adult, he can make his own way in the world. You need to concern yourself with you and your children.

Leaving the children aside, being on your own does not have to be the same as being lonely.

Feeling alone whilst in, what should, be a loving relationship is being very lonely.

How old are you OP?

That’s such a miserable existence. You deserve more. Your children deserve a mum who is happy.

Your DC will pick up on the atmosphere and dysfunctional relationship between you and your DH. It’s not healthy for them growing up in that dynamic.

The daydreaming would be maladaptive if you had left and were living a contented existence. It's adaptive in your current miserable existence.

No, I don't think you are obliged to throw your life in the bin. Especially not if the legacy of doing so is that your children grow up with the same negative self esteem and sense of worthlessness you're carrying around. That's hardly for their benefit, is it?

I was in a similar situation. Ex and I split. I'm still alone, as like you I was reluctant to add someone new in the mix with young DC.

However, having my own space to do what I want in made a huge difference to how I felt. I started a new job because I had to work around the children but that new job gave me new friends and a much better social life. I felt much happier than I did in the relationship that wasn't working.

Yes, being a single parent is hard at times but ex stayed close to the the children and my family move nearer to me. Finances ended up better as although less comes in, less goes out. I'm a saver and ex was a spender. I also get tax credits etc to help. We manage ok.

Don't be scared to make changes.