About him being late

[AllHallowsEve14]

Until last week my ex has been living with me to help with kids during lockdowns etc just made it much easier for all of us and it worked well, we get on well (usually!) He moved back out last week and we arranged days and times he would see the kids (has to be at my house, where he lives isn't suitable as he rents a room). He messaged this morning telling me he would be coming 2 hours later than arranged, his reason was not a big deal or urgent and could easily have been arranged for another time (a friend was coming to pick something up from him).

The issue here is that this happens all the time, it isn't a one off. Before he had come to stay this happened almost every weekend and we had so many arguments about it, he never asks if it's OK he simply tells me which pisses me off. He doesn't care if I have other plans, even before covid when we actually could make plans. I think he is being incredibly selfish but he doesn't seem to see it from my point of view.

I have no choice but to go with whatever he does, what else can I do? I can't make him come on time, I don't want to stop him coming at all as it is the only break I get (we have DTs who are 3 so you can imagine) and the kids adore him.

I can understand needing some flexibility but this is something else entirely, he expects me to pick up the slack without question. AIBU to be annoyed about this?

I would start doing the same back to him every time he doesn’t turn up when he says he will. Go out leaving him with the kids, agree on a time to be back and then text him a short while before and say sorry, somethings come up and you’ll be a couple of hours longer.

He’s going to keep doing it so you either take a stand now, or just accept that this is him.

I would just say the kids are available at this time, if you do not turn up at the specified time the kids will no longer be available and follow through.

I agree there isn't much you can do about today.

Ask him when he arranged friend to come? And why didn't he have the courtesy to let you and the kids know then so you can plan around. Also say it is hurtful to the kids as they are not his priority in normal times the kids could have had plans later.

Tell him he needs to ask you before cancelling and it needs to be at least 24 hours notice.

How convenient that he simply has to see the children at your house - he couldn’t possibly take them anywhere.

Stop facilitating this.

“2 hours later than we arranged doesn’t work for me, I have plans. So you can either come today as arranged, or we will see you at your next arranged visit”.

If his priority is really his children he will tell his friend to come and pick whatever it was up another time.

When he turns up, have the kids ready at the door with coats and shoes on and tell him “the park is that way > see you in an hour or two”.

This is all on you. You’ve allowed this, so stop.

@BillyIsMyBunny

I would start doing the same back to him every time he doesn’t turn up when he says he will. Go out leaving him with the kids, agree on a time to be back and then text him a short while before and say sorry, somethings come up and you’ll be a couple of hours longer.

Petty, but I’d want to do this. Not sure if I could actually though!

@BornIn78

How convenient that he simply has to see the children at your house - he couldn’t possibly take them anywhere.

Stop facilitating this.

“2 hours later than we arranged doesn’t work for me, I have plans. So you can either come today as arranged, or we will see you at your next arranged visit”.

If his priority is really his children he will tell his friend to come and pick whatever it was up another time.

When he turns up, have the kids ready at the door with coats and shoes on and tell him “the park is that way > see you in an hour or two”.

This is all on you. You’ve allowed this, so stop.

I completely agree! I'm not usually a pushover but with this I try to do what I think is best for DC, hasn't worked for me, or them, so far so this is exactly the advice I need.

@Lookslikerainted I have done this before, it is petty but I was trying to make a point (I went to a hotel overnight!). It clearly made no difference to the way he is. Co-parenting with this man is so hard!

I have sort of similar. Not changing plans but plans made have to be what suits him. He simply stonewalls and then accuses me of selfishness if I want things my way (not sure how that's different from him wanting things his way but apparently it is). The only thing I have found that works is not to let the desperate need for a break force you into accepting his terms. If he can't come at x time, then he doesn't come. It's fundamentally about understanding that contact is top priority and everything else fits round that. Too many nrps get used to life without that restriction and think contact can and should be rearranged around other things, always at the expense of the kids and RP.

[quote AllHallowsEve14]@Lookslikerainted I have done this before, it is petty but I was trying to make a point (I went to a hotel overnight!). It clearly made no difference to the way he is. Co-parenting with this man is so hard![/quote]
Thus frustrating. If you have a good relationship can a conversation fix this? I suppose you’ve tried that? It’s so rude and selfish