Feel im heading for a breakdown

[TheoriginalLEM]

Ive been here before and im worried im slipping

My mum died before Christmas and its her funeral next week, everything is on me and im not coping. Im getting on top of things like clearing the house etc and sure enough people do this all the time and its shit but they get through it, as will i.

But im not sure i want to. Im already on ADs and have a BPD diagnosis ( which i don't think is correct). There is absolutely no point in contacting my GP , what can she do? Im already on maximum dose of meds.

Its covid thats pushing me over the edge really. My dd1 is desperate to visit, she couldn't come at Christmas and i can't put her off any longer, her mental health is fragile enough and I'll see her at the funeral on Thursday so ive told her to come for dinner tomorrow. The risk to her is minimal, myself, dp and dd2 have all recently had covid and are back at work. Dd1 doesnt leave her flat, her dp just for food.

Ive got all of the financial fall out from mum to deal with and that terrifies me as dp and i have only just got reasonably financially stable after years of debt.

All these things are just part of life but i have a sense of doom that i cannot shake and im scared that if anything else goes wrong it will tip me over the edge. Ive been there before and looking back i feel i was edging towards psychosis. I don't think i can do that again

OP, I'm so sorry for your loss, and can only imagine it's all the harder in these times. In your post, you are focused a lot on keeping going and how you'll manage but you have lost your mum and you also need to allow yourself to grieve for her and to allow that to run its course. Talk to your family, your gp, your friends and tell them how you feel. Don't just try soldier on, you need support right now in this awful time

Hi op.
Not much practical advice but just to say I lost my mum at Christmas 19, just before covid. Somehow we are getting through it, seemed so unfair to have that to deal with on top of everything else.
One foot in front of the other, each day as it comes. Little tasks. You will get there x

And see your dd fgs, sounds like that will help xx

Thats just it though isnt it. I want the world to stop. Work have been reasonable and i was able to take toil this week to clear house but im maxed out on sick leave due to covid and quite frankly i think im better at work as i can stick my gead in the sand.

Life just goes on and i hate it, its like my mum didn't matter.

I’m sorry for your loss, OP - and for the hard time you’re having. I bet you’re doing much better than you realise. Everything wideskies said but also...

Could you ask you partner and your daughter to get more involved with practical and admin things if you’re overwhelmed? What can you delegate out to lighten your load?

You do need to speak to your GP. There may be something they can add temporarily to you meds but also, you really need to push for a new referral if your diagnosis doesn’t seem to fit. If the diagnosis is correct after all, they need to let you try other medication if what you are taking isn’t working.

Things will get brighter in time. Until they do, lean on people wherever you can. And be kind to yourself.

It's a horrible situation and I really feel for you. Dealing with a funeral is hard in the best of times - my mum died 2 years ago and it was a nightmare then, you won't have had time to process all that yet and wit everything else on top... My mental health is also precarious and all this shit just makes everything a million times worse. Do see your dd - it sounds like that will be a massive boost for you both
I have a feeling you live in my city - happy to meet up for a SD walk if you do?

Thankyou both of you - i was expecting to be flamed for seeing my dd

I’m sorry for the loss of your mum. Its always an awful horrendous thing, but covid makes it doubly hard so yanbu at all to feel on the edge.

We don’t typically grieve well alone, and so the restrictions make everything so much harder. We’d usually see a friend, be distracted by work colleague chat, public transport interactions, whatever group hobbies we had. Now, we are more likely to have to sit with grief on our own, and that’s really really tough.

See your daughter for sure. Don’t even question whether that’s in some rule or other.

Speak to a friend, have a conversation, tell them how you are feeling, especially one who might also have lost their mum. Meet them for a walk if you can.

Failing that, do a journal every night, just get down on a page how you are feeling. It’s really super carthartic.

And don’t try and let your mind wander down the “I can’t cope with anything else” track for too long. Fight it by reminding yourself of some good things that are still in your life...whatever they may be...an amazing meal, a good husband, the sunshine, the daffodils coming through...fight the feeling of doom with reminders of what is still good.

All the best for the funeral, it’s a day none of us want to do, saying good bye to our mothers. All you can do is just turn up and get through it.

Best wishes to you

Are you under your GP? I’d contact them and see what they can do. They can add in something or adjust something meds wise to help. They might also link you back in to the START team (or your local equivalent). They might arrange counselling. What does it say in your crisis plan about preventing relapse?

And I am so sorry for your loss, it’s horribly hard x

Absolutely see your dd, one step at a time, do whatever you need to do. Your mental health is so important, can't stress that enough. Sometimes we can be our own worst enemies, not everything needs to be dealt with immediately

@TheoriginalLEM

Thats just it though isnt it. I want the world to stop. Work have been reasonable and i was able to take toil this week to clear house but im maxed out on sick leave due to covid and quite frankly i think im better at work as i can stick my gead in the sand.

Life just goes on and i hate it, its like my mum didn't matter.

Your mums life did matter but I know this feeling exactly. One day you'll smile and laugh and feel so guilty. And other people will lose relatives and you'll think but they weren't as special as my mum. God its just awful, I'm still there but surviving a year on. I sometimes can't believe covid had the audacity to make an appearance just after mum died, I mean wtf. Our mums massively mattered, I feel your pain so so much xx

I am so sorry for your loss . It's really hard to lose a parent, one of the cornerstones of your life, and to have done so during the pandemic seems to make it worse.
Let your dd visit. The fact that you are both suffering mental ill-health means it is allowed under the exemption of providing care (to each other). I think if you asked Boris Johnson himself, he would agree.

Is there anyone else who could help by taking care of your mum's finances or are you saying she doesn't have life assurance and the unexpected cost of her funeral falls to you? If the latter, can you speak to the funeral director as they do offer the opportunity to pay monthly if you can't afford to pay the bill in one go. Could the state help?

If you can't sleep then do speak to your GP. They could at least help with something to help you as lack of sleep over a period is something that can push anyone (even those with no known MH issues) into psychosis. Taking care of your MH will help get you through this hard and very sad time .

Life just goes on and i hate it, its like my mum didn't matter.
Your mum did matter. She still matters. I know how you feel though as mine also died last year and covid was all that was in the news. Everyone is caught up in that and deaths seem to just suddenly be reduced to statistics but behind every one of those numbers are heartbroken families and friends.

My heart goes out to you and to everyone who has lost loved ones throughout the pandemic, whatever they died of. They all matter.