To think he is being weird with me?

[Dodithedog]

There’s a guy who I used to know when I was a student in uni over 15 years ago. He was friends with one of my friends boyfriends at the time, so we saw each other quite often and stayed friends into our early 20s. When I was about 22 he rang me up and told me he liked me (i.e. fancied me), I didn’t expect it, had an internal panic and responded by changing the subject...it was a bit awkward but we both just pretended it never happened after that. Didn’t feel lile too much of a big deal. Anyway
he moved away not long after as he finished his postgrad, we didn’t keep in touch, and that was that.

Anyway he has resurfaced in my life out of the blue and come to work in my office. He’s now married (to a stunning and very lovely lady) and has two gorgeous children. I am single, and happily so. I am not chasing him whatsoever- promise!

He seems distant with me? He is much more friendly to other people than me and will have long, banter-type conversations with my friends in front of me, and particularly enjoys teasing my friend who sits next to me, but practically ignores me. He’s a bit of a ‘charmer’ (in a jokey tongue-in-cheek way, not a slimy way) with everyone except for me.

I feel foolish because when he joined the office I greeted him like an old friend, told others we were at uni together, and now he acts like he barely knows me?

I’m a bit of an overthinker, so please tell me- what do you think of this behaviour? I know you can’t possibly know for certain, but does it sound to you at all likely that he might be feeling awkward around me because of that phone call so long ago, or has it just been such a long time we’re practically strangers again and I’m a) unreasonable in expecting friendly behaviour and b) overanalysing?

I struggle to understand the minds of men!

Yabu- you’re overanalysing
Yanbu- yes it sounds awkward

I think he's trying to make you feel some sort of way - but don't worry, he'll be the one coming across as a dickhead and not you. Not nice behaviour though.... I'm sure loads of people will be quick to say you're overthinking it. But the truth is that it would seem weird not to have friendly chats, atleast immediately with eachother upon recognition, as a polite way of acknowledgement. Also there are alot of twats in the world, and he may have just turned into one of them. Just give him a wide berth and don't let him sense you're feeling left out. Be happy within yourself as you've done absolutely nothing wrong.

He might still be cringing his arse off about what happened, he might be over correcting so you don’t think he’s still interested, or both, that’s what i’d assume.

I think, given the history, he's going out of his way to not give the wrong idea. He's making sure you don't think he's still interested.

He might be thinking he shouldn’t appear too over friendly with someone who he has openly admitted he fancies. So rather than being about making you feel any sort of way it’s maybe about him making sure he is both professional in a work respect and respectful to his wife. He doesn’t have to fancy you now, I’m not saying that but just that he did once which is a bit odd. If you didn’t have the history would you say he was being an ok if not overly friendly colleague? If so just accept him as that colleague, he may thaw over time. I know he was your friend but as you have been out of touch more recently you are also not really losing anything there too either.

He’s probably just keeping his distance due to the past, you didn’t stay friends so I’m not sure he needs to be overly friendly now, was you hoping people would say he still fancies you?

Sounds like he's just embarrassed about being rejected all those years ago. You obviously hurt his pride.

I’d try and pull him aside and say “ do you think there’s an awkwardness here? Like there doesn’t need to be but if you have an issue with me just let me know”

@LouiseTrees

I’d try and pull him aside and say “ do you think there’s an awkwardness here? Like there doesn’t need to be but if you have an issue with me just let me know”

I wouldn't do that I'd just leave it, let it go.

I think I would leave it to be honest. You didn't stay in touch for whatever reason and there is no real reason for him to make the effort to re-establish any level of intimate friendship with you. He could well have changed in the past few years and "clicks" better with others than you now, or he could be acting this way on purpose. Either way, no good can come from the "is this weird?" conversation. It is either A-Yes, there is (and acknowledging you have noticed will only validate what he is doing affects you) or B-There isn't-or rather there wasn't-until you had the conversation. Because after you have said it, it will get awkward quickly if he genuinely has no odea what you are on about

@CaptainMyCaptain

I think, given the history, he's going out of his way to not give the wrong idea. He's making sure you don't think he's still interested.

This. He has drawn his boundaries.

You dented his ego. It’s no coincidence that he is so friendly with your friends and especially the one who just happens to sit right next to you! Think about it..

I agree with @Sacredspace - I think he is punishing you. He is Mr Dented Ego, going out of his way to be a dick towards you. Just ignore him. You haven't done anything wrong

He is Mr Dented Ego, going out of his way to be a dick towards you.
He is most likely embarrassed but, I agree, you should ignore it. He doesn't matter to you so move on.

I expect he’s over-correcting in case he gives the impression he still fancies you. It’s a bit awkward but not really anything you can do about that. He might thaw in time once the initial awkwardness has passed.

Sounds to me like he's starting a new job and keeping things professional. Maybe even thinking about how his wife might feel about him working with someone he used to fancy and keeping his distance.
Sounds like you haven't been friends for a while, why would he want to just act you are?

Thanks for the replies, I think you’re right it’s probably him drawing boundaries. I have been making an effort to be friendly with him (because I told my colleagues we were uni friends and then felt stupid when he ignored me. I thought perhaps I’d done something wrong and was keen to be pleasent and also to melt any awkwardness/embarrassment if there was any) but maybe he thinks that I think he’s still interested. And he’s suspicious of me because I’m single. I suppose I better just leave it. It’s rubbish though because he’s genuinely a great guy and I’d still like to be his friend.

He has probably told his wife all about his uni days and that he really liked you at the time, she may have asked him to make sure his interactions with you are strictly professional and not to fall into a special close work friendship with an old flame(especially a single one!). He's most likely setting boundaries and keeping you at arms length out of respect for his wife and marriage. I don't think it's anything to do with his current feelings for you.

Could be any number of things depending on what his feelings were for you at the time.

Could be a bruised ego from you rejecting him and being petty.
Could be embarrassment that he got knocked back and he's cringing.
Could be over-correcting to ensure you know he doesn't have those intentions any more.
Could be that he really caught feelings for you and this is bringing them back.

I do think regardless of any of those he should be more professional (yes, even though Scenario 3 is about trying to set professional boundaries) because this kind of behaviour makes things unnecessarily weird.

Is he senior, junior or at your level OP? Do you have to actually work together much? There are potentially career-related factors here if he's refusing to engage with you, and he needs to get over himself if that's the case.

If you lead largely separate work lives I'd let it go but if it's affecting your ability to do your job it might be worth breaking the ice about it.

You rejected him years ago, after he opened himself up and made himself vulnerable and you did so without even properly speaking to him about it! He might not have reacted hurt/embarrassed/angry at the time but people change the way they think as they age

In the years that have passed he’s either spent ages getting over it and doesn’t want to reopen those wounds, still feels bitter about how he was treated or just feels awkward. YABU to expect to still have that relationship with him

I just asked my DH (who is very level-headed) and his first thought is that he would expect him to automatically gravitate towards and have conversations with you precisely because of knowing you in the past. He thinks the man is going out of his way to prove he no longer fancies you or actually saw you and does still fancy you.

I think you’re making something out of nothing. He’s just trying to make sure you don’t get the wrong idea. You are colleagues, there’s no need for him to be super chummy.

I also think you're making something out of nothing, and I suspect the reason why is that you want to be told he still likes you.

He's OBVIOUSLY punishing you. And is clearly massively immature and stupid. You dodged a bullet.
What to do now? Depends on your relationship with your colleagues. If there is another woman you can wholeheartedly trust then I would mention what you've said here. Keep it entirely on the down low, but if there are another pair of eyes that will help you. There is something called bullying by exclusion.

GreenSlide Yep! My thoughts exactly

Thanks all! No, I don’t want to be told that he still likes me, I know that he doesn’t because he is clearly totally in love with his wife and children, they are a really lovely family. I am the most non-flirty person ever, and I don’t fancy him anyway. I just want to feel we’re ‘okay’ and I don’t at the moment. Anyway, seeing as it could be all in my head I guess I’ll just accept things the way they are and hope it improves with time.