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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

He regrets breaking up with ex

22 replies

namechangewed · 15/01/2021 11:26

Been with DP for 2 years, my phone recently broke so am using his old one.

There are old messages on there and lots of them are to his friends about his ex that he broke up with (I know he did the decision making). I shouldn't have looked but once I started I couldn't stop.

He sounds tormented in them, even 4/5 years after they broke up. Lying awake at night with regret, his Facebook memories of her putting him a dark place.

They go all the way up to mid last year when a mutual friend 'breaks it to him' that she's pregnant.

We met and a few weeks later she got engaged. I've always had a weird gut feeling about her (not that I have any reason to think his feelings are reciprocated) but these messages make me worried I am little but a consolation prize.

Aside from this nagging feeling and now seeing these, we have a great relationship,we live together, he's great and I am in love with him.

What would you do? Btw I know I was wrong to look at the messages, I didn't intend to but once I'd seen one I couldn't stop myself.

OP posts:

TheTrashBagIsOursCmonTrashBag · 15/01/2021 11:38

The fact he sounds like he’s obsessed with a woman he’s not been in a relationship with for years is a huge red flag imo. Knowing what I do now about men like that I would get the fuck out of there ASAP.

FortunesFave · 15/01/2021 11:39

You shouldn't have looked. People's private thoughts are theirs alone and when you look, you pry and peek and things not meant for you are too late to unsee.

Most people have some regrets about past relationships. I know I have. When I've been down, I've thought about the one that got away...and considered if I'd have been better with him.

Forget about it. Get a new phone. THrow that one away.

IndecentFeminist · 15/01/2021 11:39

Have these messages continued since you've been together?

Original poster

namechangewed · 15/01/2021 11:42

@IndecentFeminist at the very start of our relationship, a few. But I have been using his old phone. So not sure about recently.

OP posts:

BornIn78 · 15/01/2021 11:43

Obsessed with an ex 4-5 years after they broke up.

People were still having to “break it to him” about stuff his ex was up to while he was with you.

Yep I’d be out of there, sorry. I know it’s not that easy, and I’m sure if you talk to him he’ll talk you around, but I would constantly feel like at any point in years to come she could snap her fingers and he’d going running back.

Scaredykittycat · 15/01/2021 11:50

As a different POV, my husband had an ex he was hung up on for many years after they split. Never really understood why tbh. She treated him like crap and looked like a pig, but whatever.

Anyway, he never really got over the whole thing and then he met me. Up until that point he freely admits he’d have got back with her, not that she wanted him and it didn’t stop him being with others (but he never committed to any of them).

Anyway we’ve been married 15 years now and I know he doesn’t give a shit about her. I am not an insecure person so I don’t really care if he was still wobbly when we first got together.

We have children now. If I mentioned her name he’d probably laugh. It’s really a non-issue.

She has moved on and so has he. I suggest you do too.

PumpkinPieAlibi · 15/01/2021 11:56

Read this OP - boards.weddingbee.com/topic/torn-about-my-husbands-ex/

IndecentFeminist · 15/01/2021 11:59

It sounds like it pre dates you really, I'd be wary but only really upset of it had continued.

Boulshired · 15/01/2021 12:07

For many the regret is about the idealisation of the relationship than the actual person. So once his relationship began with you he could see he could have the good things about being in a relationship but with a person he wants to be with. I felt horrific when exh became a father and remarried not because I particularly wanted to be with him but because he was now living the life that for a long period was meant to be our life. I grieved for that but always knew he was not right for me.

YoniAndGuy · 15/01/2021 12:23

It may sound nuts but I would walk away. You're only 2 years in.

I would also get a look at his current phone as it sounds as if you really need to know where his head is at now.

Yokey · 15/01/2021 12:30

Your relationship may have changed all those feelings. I wouldn't give a shit about it in itself, as like a PP said, sounds like it mostly predates you.

My DP had an ex like this that he regretted for a decade, but he's not bothered now. I think remembering happy times when you're no longer particularly happy is difficult, and it's more about what they had, rather than what they would have now. Also, it is a factor if he ended it because he would have the burden of wondering 'what if'. I also have two exes who felt this way about me (can only assume they're over it now).

I'd be more concerned about this "feeling" you've always had about her. You have to ask yourself is he happy with you. Don't get paranoid - in your gut you already know.

Lovaduck74 · 15/01/2021 12:39

Instead of snooping around on his new phone, why don't you sit down and have an adult conversation with him about it? It sounds like it bothers you ( and I understand why) so it's worth having a discussion about it. Unless you don't want him to know you were looking through his old phone...in which case, you're going to have it in your mind the whole time. I wouldn't split up with him over it. He has made his choice and he is with you. Case closed

jasso · 15/01/2021 12:56

@YoniAndGuy

It may sound nuts but I would walk away. You're only 2 years in.

I would also get a look at his current phone as it sounds as if you really need to know where his head is at now.

I second this. If you want to know the truth, you need to snoop.

Happyone8 · 15/01/2021 13:03

@PumpkinPieAlibi I just read that whole thread - so sad

knittingaddict · 15/01/2021 13:04

@TheTrashBagIsOursCmonTrashBag

Indeed. The only man I know who is like this is abusive. Not saying that this is the situation with the op, but it would make me cautious.

PutneyHill · 15/01/2021 13:15

Knowing where his head is now will be the only route to closure and if that means snooping on his current phone, then so be it.

MAK93 · 15/01/2021 13:18

I would just own up to him that you’ve snooped & discuss it with him.

If they’re before your relationship got serious it’s going to be hard to not worry about now, as you are.

So you either snoop on his new devices, some people will say go for it others are dead against it, I have snooped before..But also agree that it’s a trust issue! Or just admit to it now & get it all out in the open!

Good luck, hopefully it was pre your relationship!

CharlotteRose90 · 15/01/2021 13:27

I’d be out of there. You need to snoop if you find out current or recent messages then run it shows he’s not over her . Doesn’t sound right especially if he says he ended it sounds to me like she broke his heart sorry.

Doodallysally · 15/01/2021 13:28

OP, people do love people before their current partners. It doesn't mean they love their partner less.

I know why you're worried but there is no such thing as a consolation prize... everyone dates someone after their big break up so we are ALL consolation prizes in some way.

Sure, he must have really loved her. Maybe he had regrets, likely because he hadn't met anyone who lived up to that relationship. But then he met YOU. And he's in love with you and happy with you. Who cares what he thought or felt before you?!

I would not end a happy, healthy relationship over something so insignificant. He's allowed to have some fond memories, regrets about an ex, as long as they're not interfering with how he treats you.

Don't snoop further, don't discuss it with him. Feel empathy for how tough that time must have been for him and how lucky he must feel that he's met you.

Leave the past in the past.

Original poster

namechangewed · 15/01/2021 21:26

Thanks all. I asked him about it as I think it would have sent me insane.

It was a lot of denial / they were a joke / can't even remember sending them.

Feels like a big thing to forget.

OP posts:

BornIn78 · 16/01/2021 09:30

They were a joke? Really, that’s what he’s trying to say? Messaging his friends about Facebook memories of her putting him a dark place - a joke?

Hilarious, I’m sure his friends sides were splitting.

Doodallysally · 16/01/2021 10:07

Tbh OP no one really wants to explain in great detail why they were distraught about a previous break up. It's incredibly personal and embarrassing.

I would find it very controlling if my current partner wanted to interrogate me on how I coped with a previous break up, or judged me on how long it took to get over it. When they have no complaints about the actual relationship or how I'm treating them! You snooped through his personal messages that pre-date your relationship and are now interrogating him on them. How would you feel if he saw messages you shared with friends about all your past heartbreaks and decided to psychoanalyse you because of them?

Is there anything wrong with how he's treating you? Until you checked his messages did you think he was cheating on you or not as in love with you? If yes, then what's you need to discuss with him- what's missing in your relationship. And if no, just leave his past in the past, don't shame him for his past heart break and focus on your current relationship.

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