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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to leave now in this situation or shall I wait?

18 replies

dancingturnip · 15/01/2021 11:22

I read the thread 'did you settle?' and I can't get it out of my head. I am settling.

I have a wonderful partner who is kind and a good man... but I just feel like I am settling as I have been with him for six years and am not in love with him but I love him as a friend. I can often feel frustrated and misunderstood due to his poor communication and I know it's just not good enough anymore, and even if he was on his best behaviour from now on, he is just the wrong man for me.

I always knew deep down and I know I have to make the brave decision and not the easy one. But when?

Reasons to not break up or hold on longer until I have a plan:

  • in the middle of a pandemic
  • I would have to uproot my whole life
  • I run a business with my partner that he would refuse to run with an ex with no way to buy him out (he could buy me out) this business is my dream and I have been working on for 5 years and we have both been finally able to quit our jobs and go full time
  • I want to stay where I live but know no-one else here anymore (thanks COVID)
  • I would have to move into a flat share as I could no longer afford a one bed
  • I am happy and comfortable 6 days out of 7
  • His parents are desperate for grandchildren and want us to get engaged putting on a lot of pressure
  • He will act like an dick because he will be so hurt and retaliate
  • I could lose my job in my business and income I have no idea what would happen there.
  • this will be an enormous shock to him

Reasons to break up now

  • it's the brave but right decision
  • I wont regret in the long run
  • I don't want to marry him
  • our 12 month contract for our flat runs out in a month and we are already looking for new flats, its now or never
  • I don't want to string him along
  • It may be harder later

I am genuinely heart broken. I don't know how I will live without his support (very selfishly). I am heartbroken for him who doesn't deserve to hurt as much as he is going to soon. But I feel as if this may actually be the best time for it. How does one go about breaking things up in this situation?

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 15/01/2021 11:28

I have to say...is it only his poor communication that's putting you off?

What do you understand "being in love" to be after so long together?

When you've been with someone for more than a couple of years, what you have is a deeper sort of love...I've been with DH for 18 years now and I don't skip a beat at the sight of him...haven't for about 17 years!

I love him like family...we have great sex...we laugh together.

Do you feel like you would be sad if something bad happened to him? Do you have good sex?
Do you laugh together?

Original poster
dancingturnip · 15/01/2021 11:37

@FortunesFave if I were to be honest and cruel these are the other reasons I know he's not the right guy for me

-I am not at all attracted to him due to him putting on 9 stone right after we got together and he has never lost it. Health is important to me
-He and I have completely different interests and I find a lot of our conversations to be me pretending to be interested in American politics etc

  • We havent had sex in 2 years, and I have no interest in it
  • I fantasize about other men who have great conversations with their partners and give off warm vibes
  • He is very transactional "I will pick you up something from the supermarket but you have to put my laundry in"
  • we never eat together as he finds it boring and prefers to watch things
  • I feel bitterly lonely living with him. I know he loves me but he doesn't show it and I don't feel loved.
-If I raise that I am upset about something he invalidates my feelings, gets very defensive, goes off in a strop and leaves me feeling frustrated and misunderstood.
  • he works all hours of the day and doesn't enjoy spending time with me unless its with others too, or doing one of his hobbies e.g. online gaming, football

Of course I feel bad if something happened to him. I love him like a friend and our lives are completely intertwined.

I would want to be with someone a bit kinder and warmer who has time for me. I have felt stagnant.

OP posts:
WhatsAParlay · 15/01/2021 12:12

Having read your second post OP, I think you should make the break. There's no prospect for a happy future where you are, don't tie yourself to this.

Original poster
dancingturnip · 15/01/2021 13:29

@WhatsAParlay make a break now or later?

OP posts:
RelapsedChocoholic · 15/01/2021 13:46

Wait until you have a plan, so long as you will plan and not find other reasons to not leave (I mean that kindly, but not sure if the tone will come across correctly in text!)

I don’t think you should screw yourself over by rushing away if some time would allow you to keep your business etc.
Might sound cold but from what you’ve described I can’t see how he’ll be shocked that the relationship is ending - why would you want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t enjoy spending time with you?!

Re1gnRa1n · 15/01/2021 18:15

It is now or never

If you stay now, how many more years will you remain unhappy

Perhaps end the relationship, move out but still work together ?

ILoveAnOwl · 15/01/2021 18:18

Now. Pack your bags and go. This situation will only get worse and not better.

Boulshired · 15/01/2021 18:24

It’s time to leave, as now you know and admitted to yourself you want out everything he does will become irritable to you. Even the things you don’t mind at the moment. It doesn’t really matter if you love him as a friend as that seems to be already disappearing, you will end up hating him if you carry on.

Minky37 · 15/01/2021 18:29

You sound quite young? I would break up now and have a fresh start- none of these things are going to get better for you.

YoniAndGuy · 15/01/2021 18:48

He sounds pretty awful. And you should definitely leave. Absolutely BONKERS that one of your reasons for staying was that his parents want grandchildren... but no mention of you actually wanting kids yourself?! Do you? You definitely shouldn't have them with him.

The really important questions here are financial, because it's clear that you have to leave. The business is joint - he does not get to sack you. Or even buy you out, if you don't want that. He'd have to suck it up. You are partners, even if he owns a larger share.

How does it work with the business? You'd probably be best off telling him that he pays you off well or you're going nowhere and if he doesn't want to work with you, persuade you to let him buy you out. Don't be bullied.

Secondly - accommodation. It is what it is. Don't let the thought of a couple of crappy years flat-wise stop you changing your life for the better.

SwanShaped · 15/01/2021 18:59

For me, it’s the bitterly lonely bit that you say. You shouldn’t stay lonely.

HotSauceCommittee · 15/01/2021 19:05

I know a house share is less than ideal, but it might solve you knowing no one.
This is not a life sentence and it would be far harder to make the break when married or with children.
You may end up childless if you stay with him and if you want children, he doesn't sound worth it.
You sound lonely and like you want to get out there and spark off people. Make the break kindly but firmly x

Conundrumdrum · 15/01/2021 19:16

You need to leave but first:

  1. Ensure the rental agreement for the next flat has a six-month break clause. That way you can move out before the full duration of the AST has run
  1. Sort out your job: could you start a new business like your current one? Could you find a temporary job while said business grows so you can support yourself?
  1. Could he run your joint business alone? If there's a chance he can't you can make a list of reasons why it'd make sense for you two to continue to run it together
  1. See if you can find a small (studio) flat you could afford, maybe slightly outside the area where you are now. You could move there for a short while then move back to the area you are in now

But you must leave him. You'll be much happier once you have. Just make sure you have a solid plan of action first.

Hankunamatata · 15/01/2021 19:54

Break now or you will never do it

Darbs76 · 15/01/2021 19:58

From what you’ve said you need to leave. Don’t settle and be miserable. You do need a plan for work though. Now isn’t the best time to be looking for a job. Or for him, so perhaps you could find a way to make the business work together

Misandrylovescompany · 15/01/2021 20:07

Do you already have a running away fund? That is a vital piece of information before we can advise you. But no, there is no shame in walking away from a relationship like this. He’s not doing it for you, and no wonder.

FortunesFave · 15/01/2021 21:27

Oh leave for sure!

ChippyTea16 · 15/01/2021 21:43

Agree I think you should make plans to leave now OP, it sounds like you’re in a pretty miserable relationship. Clutching at straws but could he be thinking the same thing? If he doesn’t want to spend time with you he might be wanting to end it too but doesn’t know how.

Life is too short. Not everything will be going right at the same time for you but if you sort out yourself and be happy then dealing with your job situation would be much easier.

It’s not nice breaking up with someone but sounds to me like he wouldn’t be totally shocked.

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