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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel a bit sorry for myself?

12 replies

ThatchersCold · 15/01/2021 01:47

It’s my 40th birthday soon, and it’s going to be shit.

We’re in lockdown, I’m a single parent. My original plan for my bday was to go somewhere hot and sunny with a friend for a couple of weeks, and I arranged for my mum to have my DC, I asked her well over a year ago. That’s all I wanted to do, but of course all international travel is banned.

I won’t be able to go out for a meal, or even a drink. I probably won’t even see anyone, other than my DC. It will just be another night of sitting at home on my own probably watching shit on TV.

I know there’s people going through worse stuff at the moment but I’m so sad about it. When I turned 30 I was in a relationship with a horribly abusive man, who went out of his way to make sure my birthday was even more horrific and terrifying for me than a regular day. I’ve been telling myself for the last decade I’d make up for it for my 40th, and now this .

Like many people I feel like I’ve got a really fragile grasp on my sanity right now and I think spending my 40th birthday at home with no adult company, cooking for the kids and all the normal bollocks is going to be really difficult and I keep crying just thinking about it.

OP posts:

brooklynheights21 · 15/01/2021 01:49

Sending hugs to you. It must be hard for you.

Could you get some friends together and have a zoom party??? I know it’s not what you planned but everyone dress up, get a bottle or 2 in and just have a laugh??

Original poster

ThatchersCold · 15/01/2021 01:54

I hate zoom with a passion and I think that would be even more depressing than doing nothing . Also all my closest friends are from different times of my life and different places so if I had to choose my favourite people they largely don’t know each other, so it would be a bit awkward for them I think.

OP posts:

brooklynheights21 · 15/01/2021 01:54

Or just pretend your still 39, your birthday doesn’t exist and just turn 40 when this shit is over and done with

Casmama · 15/01/2021 01:54

You are not being unreasonable at all. It seems very important to me that you start making plans to celebrate this mileaont at some point in the future when you can have the celebration you want to- don't cancel it, postpone it. Whether you are 40 1/2 or wait till you are 41 have your celebration and think about it now or you can plan ahead

foolforfajitas · 15/01/2021 01:55

I've NCed, but if it makes you feel better I'll be spending my 18th in lockdown! Sucks, doesn't it?

YANBU at all to feel down about it, try and give yourself a lovely day in the house (maybe movie day? Favourite takeaway? Building snowmen if the weather's still snowy?). And save up a bit more so that when travel is safe you can go somewhere lovely and warm!

If you're struggling with your MH and want to have a conversation about it, you could text SHOUT to 85258. If you're having a crisis, look on the NHS website for a local crisis team and phone them up. www.nhs.uk/service-search/mental-health/find-an-urgent-mental-health-helpline

Good luck OP, hope it gets better soon.

Original poster

ThatchersCold · 15/01/2021 02:01

I don’t really want to have a party, I have ASD and I find hosting parties really stressful, all I wanted to do was go away child free for a couple of weeks. The difficulty there is that my DM who lives close by is moving at the end of next month, about 1.5 hours away. The reason I moved to this area is because she said she would help out with the kids but that’s another thread. So I’d never be able to get her to have the kids once she’s moved, she isn’t particularly keen to have them at the best of times, and she’d live too far to be able to get them to school etc. She wouldn’t have them in the holidays because she wouldn’t cope with them all day every day (they both have ASD too). And she’d never come and stay at my house to have them, she has too many animals to look after and she just wouldn’t. So postponing my plans isn’t really an option.

OP posts:

Original poster

ThatchersCold · 15/01/2021 02:05

Thanks, that’s really sweet @foolforfajitas. That’s even crapper I think, I’ve been saying to a few people lately that I feel so sorry for people who are 16-20 ish, that time of my life was the most fun and carefree, people that age are missing out on so many fun times and you can never get that time back. Hope your 18th isn’t too rubbish

OP posts:

foolforfajitas · 15/01/2021 02:13

I'm ASD too, OP, so I absolutely relate to the dislike for parties. You've mentioned cooking for the kids specifically as an upsetting factor, so I think if you took all the pressure off yourself by ordering some food and doing what you want to do then it might help?

I know that's hard in a lockdown, especially with young children. Is there anyone who would be willing to take the kids for a day? Or alternatively if you have a support bubble with any of your friends, you could invite one of them over and drink a bit of champagne and have an easy night in. My partner and I are both holding off on birthday celebrations until the lockdown ends, so I'm going to be 17 for considerably longer than average

Remember that your true strength comes from getting yourself out of the bad situation with your ex, and keep in mind that even if you have to put off big birthday celebrations, you're in a considerably better situation than you were a decade ago. Feel proud of that!

Lots of support and internet hugs to you.

MoodyMarshall · 15/01/2021 02:19

It's my 40th in a few weeks. I don't have an ASD diagnosis but DS1 does, and I'm convinced I would have one had I been his age today.

It's a bit shite, isn't it? I think the best way to handle it is to shift your celebrations six months into the future. It doesn't really matter when our actual birthdays are, we can celebrate when things are a bit more back to normal.

MoodyMarshall · 15/01/2021 02:23

Ah sorry, read your update. I know it's not the same, but how about going away with friend plus your children? Is that an option? It's not quite what you had in mind but it's a good second best? My parents have never really looked after my kids and it's tough, so I've had to recalibrate my expectations of what I can do until they're older.

Original poster

ThatchersCold · 15/01/2021 02:33

@MoodyMarshall believe me I’ve tried to rope friends into coming on holiday with me and my DC over the years but no one has ever been keen . I can understand why, it’s not everyone’s idea of a fun holiday. So yes if I do go away somewhere it will be just me and the DC I expect, the same as every other holiday for the last 17 years. And probably not somewhere I really want to go as it will be too expensive if I have to pay for three of us, and also my eldest can’t stand hot weather whereas I love it. I just wanted to relax, sunbathe and drink cocktails in peace for a couple of weeks, rather than worry about entertaining the DCs and being forced to a watch a million identical jumps into the pool. I probably sound like I’m being a brat, I love my kids dearly but if you’d ever been on holiday with them you’d understand

OP posts:

MoodyMarshall · 15/01/2021 02:52

Yeah, I get that feeling too. All of my 'old' friends are childless and I think they can only stomach my two for a matter of hours

My plans at the moment involve trying to book a May weekend staycation with family. There are vague other plans but Covid sure takes the joy out of trying to plan anything. I also can't stand being the 'bride/birthday girl', I find it traumatic (how do I act? Who do I speak to? Does everyone hate this?), so, like you, parties are out.

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