I don't think my parents love each other. Is this normal?

[Mothedba]

Hi.
So I am 26 and my boyfriend and I are saving for a house deposit and we are hoping to have enough in the next year or two. We both still live at home with our parents. I pay rent.

I also have a 10 year old sister. We all like our set, I am a supply teacher and currently helping homeschooling my sister.

However, as i've got older i've noticed my parents relationship change.
My 10 year old sister is disabled so my mum had to give up work and become her full-time carer. My dad is a manager in a store.

My dad has never proposed to my mum.
But when I was younger, I remember them being loved up - holding hands walking around stores, dad would kiss her when he finished work etc.

But these days, they both seem depressed and argumentative with each other.

Mum complains dad doesn't help around the house as much, but i've noticed my dad does come home from work, sit down for an hour and then rushes upstairs to watch TV.

During an argument they were having, my mum told me that dad's told her he doesn't think he loves her anymore. That was last year.

Mum has gained A LOT of weight.

I feel sad by it all. They still sleep in the same bed but I get the feeling they just dont get on anymore.

The thing is, I feel so anxious by it all. I want to move out in the next year or 2 but my brain keeps thinking
"What happens if they break up?"
"How will mum afford to live? Will I have to stay longer in order to keep her afloat?"

I don't know if it's whether i'm on my period but tonight has just.got to me. My boyfriend's parents are so happy and clearly in love and ever since i've seen the way his parents are together, i've realised.my parents.don't have that.
They cuddle up on the sofa, stay up.watching movies.together.
My dad is fast asleep by 8pm every night whilst my mum is watching movies on her own or.sometimes i'll join her.

Not sure what I want from this but I feel anxious for my parents.

Anyone?

I can totally empathise here OP.

Unfortunately my parents are the same, they separated for a while when my DS and I were younger and then for some reason got back together. They've never been happy since 🤷‍♀️

Never went out anywhere together pre-COVID, never have proper conversations, they can argue and then not speak to each other for weeks. It must be awful for them, and it's awful for us too sometimes because the atmosphere is awful in their house. I've said to them both that I don't know why they're still together, but I know they feel too old now to move on so they'll just grizzle it out until the bitter end.

It's definitely had an affect on me and how I view marriage, probably in a positive way as I'd hate for me and DH to be like that so we both really put the effort in to show love and affection to each other and celebrate things that should be important, such as anniversaries and each other's birthdays.

I have no advice but you're not alone.

Your parents relationship is not your responsibility. No two relationships look the same so stop comparing theirs to your boyfriends parents; some couples do everything together & others don't, some couples are touchy, lovey and others aren't and do on.
Even if they do separate at some point they will have to sort themselves out in terms of housing, finances etc and you should not feel obligated to help either parent.

I don't think you can look at your boyfriends parents and not see that they don't have the pressure of a disabled child or having to give up work and being a carer etc. All of that would affect a marriage!

They sound unhappy together, but it really isn't your problem to solve. You have to just continue making your plans with your boyfriend and support them both if they do split.

I don't mean to sound unhelpful, but there really isn't anything you can do. I'm probably a similar age to your parents - my DCs are a lot younger than you but I'd hate to think that they were worrying about having to change their life plans because of me.

The pressure of looking after a child with special needs takes its toll on many relationships (not to say it can't be joyful and bring people together as well, but that's not always the case) and that sounds like what happened with your parents.

I don't think you have to worry that it will happen to you and don't let fear about it dictate your choices - they're just the victims of a specific stressful circumstance.

I worried a little about whether we might end up like DH's parents who bicker and bicker about every little thing (though manifestly do love one another), but then I realised it takes two to do that, and bickering is not in my character.

Your parents are stuck in a rut and when you leave it will be make or break for them.
Your mum is not your responsibility, nor are they as a couple.
This does happen a lot but for those who rekindle the flame, I've heard it's amazing.
I've heard countless stories.
You have to live your own life, I'd be devastated if my 26 year old had felt like this, he and his fiance moved in February.
There is nothing you can do, or anyone else for that matter.
Please stick to your plans and don't waver.

Thanks everyone! I just feel so emotional tonight (not sure if it's hormones from time of the month though so it will pass). I just needed to vent.

I just feel like the only person in their 20s that has this stress, although I know i'm not.

About a year and a half ago, I came.downstairs to my dad.crying about feeling depressed.
4 years ago, my mum also cried to me about how she misses working and her life is just staying at home. Not that she change my sister for the world.
God, i'm getting teary just writing this.

Lately i've been looking at my dad and just wondering why he can't get involved more. Last week the four of us finally sat down to watch a movie together whilst eating tea but halfway through dad said "right i'm off upstairs, shout me down when you need me".
I love my dad to pieces and he would do anything for us - he helps me with whatever I need but I can feel my mum's frustration with him always going upstairs.

When I was 17, I heard my mum and dad having an argument as mum received a bill for porn on TV (I don't know how this works as i've never used it). And then it happened again 4 years ago.

I wouldn't change my parents for the world, they have helped me through so much, I guess I just feel sad for them.

I just worry about my mum.more than anything - dad is the earner of the two of them and mum doesn't even drive.
Before my sister, mum worked 2 jobs (shopkeeper and cleaner) not the best paid but she was such a hardworker and very social.

Oh, I’m so sad to hear that you feel like this. Please try not to worry about them. If they split up, your dad will have to help fund your sister’s care. You are NOT and should not feel responsible for them, but you are obviously such a kind person. Please try to focus on your own life. They will sort it out, in. Whichever way they choose.

Sorry, odd punctuation typos - *in whichever way they choose.

@TowandaForever

I don't think you can look at your boyfriends parents and not see that they don't have the pressure of a disabled child or having to give up work and being a carer etc. All of that would affect a marriage!

This, plus the fact that your mother has borne the brunt of it all.

Is he going upstairs to watch TV or is he still on the porn ?

Whilst you are in no way responsible and cannot fix their relationship if you want to do something practical can you look after your sister once a week or once a month or something so your mum can do something for herself or with your dad? If anything can help I expect it would be something practical. I don't think it's your place to have words with either of them about their relationship.

Your mum isn’t in a great financial position from what you say.
Do you feel you have the type of relationship where you could talk to her about what she would like to do ? It sounds to me like she is financially trapped, but maybe they’ve made the decision to stay together for the sake of your sister.
There are all sorts different ways people live together. Not everyone is lovey-dovey.

From my personal perspective as a mother of 3 boys (11, I and 5),and the youngest having autism, it puts immense pressure on a relationship and the family dynamics raising a child with extra needs. Not just what you see on the surface but the endless sacrifices you make anyway as a parent, let alone those that never end for a child with extra needs. My husband and I aren’t to the point where we don’t talk or spend any time together, but a lot of how you describe their relationship, reminds me of mine. We do make an effort to spend time together and have a laugh. We rarely get time alone and we do have a small support network in my mum and stepdad which I am incredibly grateful for and appreciate so much. But the bottom line is, those dynamics do and can break marriages. It’s a sad situation for your mum and dad to be in. If they can’t be honest with one another about how they feel and work through it then they will never get back what they had.

I really hope they can at least be honest with one another for the sake of themselves and you and your sister. Whichever way that works out.

*(11, 8 and 5) 🤦🏻‍♀️

My parents didn't well DM didn't love DF she had her reasons he is know it all and a verbal bully.
Now DM has died I wish she'd have left years ago.

My parents have been unhappy together for as long as I can remember. They have no respect for each other and most of the time seem to actively dislike each other. Seeing any affection between them is so rare it freaks me out. It deeply saddens me and I wish my mum would have left my dad years ago and had a shot at happiness (he’s a very difficult man) but as others have said, it’s not my problem to solve. Now I’m an adult she sometimes vents to me and I’ve gotten to the point of telling her she should leave him, but it never happens. I know it’s sad but it’s not your life and not your choices.

The bright spot is I somehow have an incredibly happy and functional relationship with my DH who I’ve been with for nearly 12 years, despite this dysfunctional environment.

You sound like you love and care about your parents, and sister, very much OP.......and that is all you can do. Try not to compare your parents' relationship to your boyfriend's parents, but instead think about the aspects of those different relationships you want for yourself (and which ones you don't) and put your energy into making that manifest.

I wish you the best.

Your parents problems are not your responsibility to solve OP.

I do feel very sorry for your mum though. My best friends mum is in a similiar relationship; she used to stress to us the importance of maintaining employability and having a "running away fund", just in case.

OP, step away from the situation. Your parents' marital relationships is not your responsibility. You will only make it worse

Step away from the situation you aren't responsible for their unhappiness it is their choice. I wish I'd learned that earlier.