To ask whether any other new mums are struggling?

[booandbumpp]

LO is 15 weeks old and is going through some sort of regression or teething or something which means for an hour or 2 every day she screams the house down no matter what I do.
Usually I would strap her to my chest and go for a walk but it snowed today from 8am - 5pm today and it's up to my shins and I can't risk falling with her.
If she's not screaming at me she's napping on me. I play and do what I can with her but it doesn't feel very fulfilling. I've cried this evening after she screamed at me for an hour no matter what I did.
My partner is a teacher so is locked in the spare room for the entire day doing live lessons and then in the evening he emerges, takes the dog out and then has to go back to the spare room to sort his lessons out for the next day.
I see my mum pretty often. I run 3 x a week with my aunt. I'm trying to do stuff for me and my partner tries his best to facilitate this as much as he can with work (we obviously share responsibility for LO when he's not working).
I just feel so low with it. In a non-COVID time I wanted to do baby classes and swimming with my daughter. I wanted to have weekends away and go to fun places. I wanted her to be cuddled and loved by family.
I have a counsellor. I speak to her weekly on Zoom. I haven't heard from my HV for 2 months and won't see her for another 5 months apparently.
I just feel so isolated, and bored, and sad. I don't get much joy from my daughter at the moment. I love her desperately, but this is fucking hard.
Am I alone?

Hugely, my baby is refusing to sleep and is crying because he is exhausted, go figure that out. No one will help and I’m wondering if I should just leave.

@Ahorsecalledseptember Ohhhh yes - overtired cries are the worst. Today I swaddled LO and put dummy in and then just paced the living room for an hour to get a 20 minute nap.
DP came downstairs, took her off me, and she's been napping on him for an hour and a half so I feel like a failure about that too!

I wanted to reach out to you and say I've read your message and offer a virtual hug. Have you tried any online classes with your baby. A neighbour has a three-month-old and when I saw her when putting out the bins she said doing an online baby massage course is helping. It's given her structure once a week and given her some massage skills she is using. xx

The first few months I found really hard. My child is 14 months old now (comes with its own set of struggles!) but I am used to it now and it's not such a shock to the system. Also, this is a completely unusual set of circumstances to have a baby, first lockdown my baby was only 4 months and going through a sleep regression too. I felt exactly like you and I know this is cliche but it does get better. As cute as they are you don't really get much from such a young baby but as they get older and they either start sleeping through or you get used to broken sleep (yep, me) it feels more bearable, and once their personalities start shining through it becomes all worth it. Well it did for me anyway! These lockdowns are horrid but I'm just clinging to the hope that in a few months it won't be so bad.

@Goldenfigs Thank you for the message of support x I've been doing a baby sensory class I found on YouTube which did add something but honestly it's very hit and miss whether my LO actually enjoys it or just cries during it. I will have a look to see if I can find a baby massage course though.Maybe having a couple of options will help!

@sunsetorange Thank you. It's nice to hear it does get better, but hard to see it when you're going through it I guess.
I keep saying to DP - it's a lot of input with not much back. I know its normal. This is my second baby but my first born son passed away at 5 months old. I guess for me there's an extra layer of guilt that I should be enjoying every moment but I just can't.

Solidarity here. My son is 12 weeks old. He is generally an easy baby but we have gone through some horrible experiences made even harder due to covid. I had to rush him to A&E alone when he was 5 days old and my husband was forced to stay outside in the pouring rain.
It sounds like you are doing everything you can. I had a full schedule of classes organised too but all were cancelled...zoom just isn't the same.
I have good and bad days, as neither of our families live close so haven't seen them since our son was newborn and that was one visit!
On my worst days I just say this will pass to myself on repeat. Today poured all day here so not even a walk like you. Its hard!

Omg OP I’m so dreadfully sorry about your eldest son

My 2nd is 10 wks old and it’s so hard at these times. I keep focusing that come spring/ summer things will open up and we can do all those things with our babies that we planned!
I would suggest some online classes too to help focus yourself and remember our babies don’t care about being home!

Ohh I'm really sorry to hear that!

Yes, can totally understand why that would make you feel guilty. I think most people find it hard initially so I wouldn't feel bad! It can be really overwhelming at times. It sounds awful but there were times when I didn't feel I could cope with it and used to think what on earth have I done, who has left this tiny person to me to be responsible for. It was a really crazy time, looking back. But yes, I feel so much better now. I have got into the swing of it I suppose! And like you said if you couldn't get out today even for a walk that really doesn't help mood!

Just read about your older child. So so sorry to hear about that. That must add another layer of pain in all of this

I’m sorry things are so tough right now and for the loss of your first child.

No advice, just to say please be kind to yourself. You’ve not had an easy ride and it’s perfectly natural to feel down sometimes.

Just to reassure you, my baby was a real screamer, with crazy colic (turned out to be milk intolerance, which he's since outgrown), and he's great now! I remember pacing the floors with him screaming, and I'd be crying my eyes out because I didn't know what to do! He's over one now and he has his moments of extreme rage when he gets something potentially dangerous taken off him, but he's brilliant fun! I'm so, so sorry for your loss and I can relate to the feeling of: why am I not enjoying this/ what have I done?! But it really will get better!

Also don't feel too bad about missing all the groups etc- I usually love chatting to people but when my baby was really little, I found them pretty stressful, as he was always the one crying inconsolably and I felt like everyone was thinking I was a rubbish mum - which I'm sure they weren't!

The baby sleep whisperer really saved my sanity. I even took my dd to A&E once as I was convinced something was badly wrong. She was just over tired and couldn’t find sleep.

The baby sleep whisperer gives you a detailed sleep plan and routine. It worked wonders for me. You have to stay in to get the routine settled but you can’t really go out anywhere at the moment anyway.

However the fist time she went down for a sleep by herself and then again at nighttime I could have cried with relief.

I was massively missing her sleep cues.

@Seasaltyhair Thank you - I follow huckleberry timings and she naps (but is a crap napper) 4 times a day for 40 minutes - 2 hours. She also mainly sleeps through the night (last night was 9pm-5am and then 5.30-8am) so I can't really complain there. She can put herself to sleep to - we let her fuss at bed time for 10 minutes (not cry) and she generally falls asleep in 5, or with some shimmying of the bassinet. I don't think it's sleep that causes the screaming

Thank you for the support - I think this is what I feel guilty about. Like she's been a dream up until now, a really easy and content baby but in the last week the screaming started and I've crumbled. I didn't feel exactly fulfilled before this.
It will get better. I keep hoping that the vaccinations will work and I can at least visit family on days my partner works but it's hard to be optimistic with this!