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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be seriously worried

47 replies

Calvinlookingforhobbes · 14/01/2021 13:08

...about many women on mumsnet who are married/living with lazy, useless men? There are so many posts this week detailing in inadequacies of these men and their failure to contribute to family life, cleaning, cooking and generally looking after themselves and others around them.

Women, partners, wives you are made for greater things than parenting grown men. Stop putting up with it! And stop joining about burying them under the patio, do something product about it.

OP posts:

CrazyToast · 14/01/2021 14:40

I reached a breaking point where my life was just work and domestic work. My OH did some things but not fully and he often would just do half a job at home.

I moved out for 18 months (we didn't break up) and one of the main reasons I gave was that I couldn't stand the unrelenting domestic drudgery.

When I returned it has been much better for 3 years now and I would say we do things equally now.

Scaredykittycat · 14/01/2021 14:43

How they choose to live is up to them.

2bazookas · 14/01/2021 14:46

What saddens me is modern women who still behave like long-suffering obedient domestic servants to their own children, especially sons.

tillyandmilly · 14/01/2021 14:46

Here here - sorry but why have kids with a lazy oaf of a man - surely you would know his annoying habits, laziness before bringing kids into the world! I would pack my bags before bringing a kid into the world only to witness this unhappy relationship

Ispini · 14/01/2021 15:13

@2bazookas

What saddens me is modern women who still behave like long-suffering obedient domestic servants to their own children, especially sons.

Absolutely agree with this! My brother was brought up vacuming, ironing, doing the dishwasher, laundry etc. I meet so many mums who si ply run around after their sons as if they were mini gods and yet their daughters get to learn cooking skills and how to do things around the house. For Gods sake mums of sons teach your sons how to live in the real world. My DH was brought up abroad and always had home help. When we moved in with each other he dumped his clothes on the floor the first morning we were in our new house, he did it once! He knows he has to pull his weight and was always hands on with the kids even when they were tiny babies. He does so much in the house and knows we are a partnership. I have been very unwell for the past few days and he has worked from home, supervised kids homework, cooked etc. I don’t know how some women cope if their husbands didn’t step up. I could never live with some of the lazy, selfish , wastes of space that I read about on here!

Nospringchickendipper · 14/01/2021 15:23

Why is it always the Mothers fault if their son is lazy.I’ve always encouraged my to son to clean and tidy up after himself but his Dad runs round looking after him.

littlepattilou · 14/01/2021 15:28

@Nospringchickendipper

Why is it always the Mothers fault if their son is lazy.I’ve always encouraged my to son to clean and tidy up after himself but his Dad runs round looking after him.

I know right. This really pisses me off. Blaming women/the mothers, when men are absolutely useless cocklodging wankers.

As if it's not bad enough for women having to put up with shitty, useless men; the MOTHERS are to blame for it. FFS.

BumbleBiscuit · 14/01/2021 15:31

I think the women need to take a certain amount of responsibility for ending up with someone not fit to be a husband or father.

Yes, people change and he could have been amazing in the beginning but in the vast majority of cases the woman has made a rod for her own back knowing full well what they’re like. There are lots of posts here where women will complain about their partners having been useless for years and the posts often end... “also I’m 33 weeks pregnant’!!

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 14/01/2021 15:37

I agree. I see it in real life as well. Men who seem like nice guys, but who do next to nothing in terms of housework / childcare, who duck out of family life, and leave it all to their wives. My friend broke her ankle last year, and was laid up for a few weeks, her husband “couldn’t” cook a simple meal or clean a toilet! But yet he manages to hold down a competent job. And then a lot more of the burden to help fell on her daughter than her son, and so the cycle continues.

BarbiesWorld · 14/01/2021 15:56

I think I might be one of those posters from today you're talking about...

I know he's useless, I know I don't want to live my life like this forever but I'm a full time student with no income and I'm exhausted. Honestly dont think I have it in me to put up the big fight because I've spoken to him a million times and nothing changes. Next option is to leave but with what money? Where to?

CallistoSol · 14/01/2021 19:06

@BarbiesWorld

I think I might be one of those posters from today you're talking about...

Surely being a full time student is your choice? You could go part time and get a job to self fund. Your attitude is weird.

HermioneMakepeace · 14/01/2021 19:08

There are also a lot of men living with lazy, useless women - I should know 😂.

Original poster

Calvinlookingforhobbes · 14/01/2021 19:27

@alecguinnessgenuineclass I am not judging. But rather I am raising it as an issue that should not be tolerated. My concern is that the more women put with it under the guise of putting the kids first / not wanting a row, getting through lock down etc the more it permeates down the generations and entrenches us.

It’s saddens me that we, as a gender have come so far in our quest for equality but have to work so much harder for it in every sense.

I too, am doing all I can to try and raise my boys to be decent men who can be a partners one day and damaging lazy losers!

OP posts:

OfficerHops · 14/01/2021 19:29

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the user's request

ivfbeenbusy · 14/01/2021 19:32

We are only getting one side - an overwhelmingly female viewpoint - most of us don't like to see the flaws in ourselves but will happily lay bare all their partners perceived flaws......a good proportion of the time the posts ranting are from women who don't work/work part time etc and the financial burden of supporting the family has fallen on their partner but they can't see past that he doesn't come in and do the washing up or do bath time when he's been out the house for 12 hours a day at work.🤷‍♀️

devildeepbluesea · 14/01/2021 19:39

@Milkshake7489

YANBU OP...

My biggest learning curve since joining mumsnet is how many women are in terrible relationships!

I really thought society had moved on.

Absolutely this.

Makes me realise just how decent a husband exDH was. Everything was split 50/50, straight down the middle. It's just a shame that men with that innate, genuine respect for women are so rare.

TheoriginalLEM · 14/01/2021 19:40

BarbiesWorld · 14/01/2021 19:44

@CallistoSol why is my attitude weird? I've worked full time up until we both decided it was in our best interests for me to study as I was stuck in a minimum wage childcare job.

Yes, I could work around the degree and kids but I'd need to get out first. Which I can't afford because he controls all the finances. There's a certain amount of mental energy required in leaving and I just don't have it right now.

Norealclue · 17/01/2021 00:48

The useless type of man has been around for a very long time. I had one and decided that if I could manage to pay for everything for all of us without any financial contribution from H I would be slightly more well off by getting rid of him. He ate a lot, smoked and drank whisky, the DC were not so costly.
I thought my DC would be wise enough to see through that type of man but they have adopted their own useless partners. I wonder how the mothers of these types feel? I would not be happy if I had a son who was depending on a woman to keep him.

Wheresmykimchi · 17/01/2021 00:53

@contrmary

Yes, yes, yes! It is so frustrating hearing people complain rather than actually doing something about their problems.

If you've got yourself a loser, dump them and get someone better. If you can't then maybe it's a reflection on yourself - either your expectations are unfair, or you are misjudging your own strengths.

Great bit of black and white, naive, victim blaming going on there.

StormBaby · 17/01/2021 00:57

I was married to a useless lazy arse before and I learnt fairly recently that our relationship ultimately failed for that exact reason. When a partner has to be mothered your relationship shifts, you become the nagging mother figure, they become the child, your sex drive disappears because it’s biological conditioning to not have those feelings for a giant man-child. Whole relationship starts to fall apart. It all makes perfect sense now.

BonnieDundee · 17/01/2021 06:37

Surely being a full time student is your choice? You could go part time and get a job to self fund. Your attitude is weird.

One of the reasons I would never touch this.forum with a 10 foot.bargepole for serious advice.if.i needed it

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