Light at the end of the long tunnel anyone?

[anewlifeawaits]

I've posted here for traffic but also to ask if I am being unreasonable to hope for light at the end of the long separation tunnel?

Only asked h to leave last night after years of ups and downs and him making bad choices that absolutely affect the rest of us.

I hoped and hoped over the years it would change but alas here I am 17 years in and I've just snapped and said I've had enough and would like him to leave.

I have no trust nor respect for him,just anger and resentment that I feel like my life has revolved around him and compromise for years and it's suddenly hit me that I'm not even in his radar.

He's always had ocd/collection obsessive issues with things and it's so so draining over the years but this week the straw finally broke the camels back.

He's currently digging his heels in and saying he isn't leaving.

I've told him he's being a selfish prick for not putting his kids first and in respect to them he needs to find himself somewhere else.

I think he's shocked that I'm not showing any signs of hurt or upset,just calm direct words.

I've reiterated more than once we are seperate go and there's absolutely no going back this time.

We had a short separation for a couple o months years ago and looking back I should have kept it that way but I loved him and wanted to make a go of it.
Now I just see a noose around my neck and a weight on my shoulders having to deal with his crap and lifestyle choices

I've finally seen the light. The dc are getting older and I want to enjoy them,not have to wait around for him to decide what we do on weekends once he's finally got up

I realise he chooses what we eat most of the time,he doesn't contribute to home schooling or anything within the house to be honest.
Although he earns a lot more than me he pays his half down the middle each month and I end up propping up the joint account every fucking month as he's so crap with money

He's selfish,not affectionate and we haven't had sex more than twice in a year.

It was like living with a housemate that doesn't know how to work the tumble dryer but recently it's like having another person to be responsible for and he's a bloody adult ffs.

I just want him gone out of the house that I sort all the financials for anyway so I can breathe.

I feel like I can't breathe while he's here. I've not been to sleep at all yet as I'm so angry with him but also been sorting my personal
Finances in the hope I can pay the bills.

I'm so stubborn I've told him to use his wages as rent and deposit on a place because I want him out rather than pay it into the joint account for bills.

I'd rather he left first and then I can deal
With things.
I'm currently on furlough so am with the kids all day so can talk with them and explain we are friends but no longer wanting to be married and it doesn't change how we feel about them.

He does so little with them and is in bed three hours after he gets home from work and most of a weekend anyway so once he's gone he might actually make more of an effort with them.

It's too late to do that with me which I've told him but I want to skip a few weeks in a flash when we've been able to talk properly and made decisions and told the kids and family so I feel things are moving on.

On the other hand I just feel sick. Upset shocked and can't believe that's actually it this time.
I've said for years every time he fucks up that's it next time but it never is so he just never respects my boundaries and this time I'm done.

Sorry for the long post.
Just want to hear from anyone in a similar boat or who's further along the process

Mine was alcoholic, but the self absorption sounds the same. You’ll feel such a lovely sense of relief when he has gone. Don’t back down.

Thanks @RickiTarr for responding.

Yes the alcohol is this issue that's broke the camels back.

It's been an issue on and off for a few years but it's been nearly a year of solid drinking every night without a break.

I've talked to him so many times about it.
It's ruined our relationship because I can't believe or trust whatever he says.

He agrees he drinks too much and needs to stop and I end up plugging the holes every month to pay the bills yet he still manages to have money to buy it every day.

The last straw was two weeks ago I paid towards something he needed the last pretty much big part of money o had because he couldn't get this thing else and yes it was a definite need. Think car part.

He said he couldn't pay for it all but has still drank probably more every day the last two weeks than before and I just snapped.

Had enough of being made a mug of.

In my experience of leaving a similarly selfish husband, the separation is hard, the period right after is even harder. Slowly, you get yourself back. 3 years down the life, I'm much happier, healthier, and selfish, not having my entire life revolve around a grown man's needs and wants is very liberating. I feel like me again. To be honest, I'm still a bit traumatised by it all, I find thinking back on it painful, i beat myself up for staying so long etc, but then I snap out of it, look around me, and tell myself I did alright in the end.

Oh I've just seen he's an alcoholic. I've had two alcoholics in my family. They both died in their 60s. Their wives' lives revolved around alcohol - hiding it from them, dealing with the fallouts, putting up with the rotten behaviour during and after a bender. They couldn't go on holiday anywhere anymore by the time they were in their 50s because of the alcohol. Any wedding invitations would send my aunty into an absolute panic because she knew it would be another excuse for him to get pissed. It was awful to watch. My aunty is in her 70s now and she's actually pretty happy and relaxed and before covid was going on cruises, visiting family, actually enjoying life. Don't be that woman OP, his alcoholism will likely never be cured and it will break you. It will waste your life away as much as his. It's his choice to drink. Having had alcoholics in my family, I honestly think you need to leave them to it and my sympathy for them is very limited. As awful of an illness it is, you can't let it ruin your life too.

Yes I'm getting my head around that thought process now.

It's things like I'm always the driver now. He uses the cause he's tired or he's been driving all week but it's because it means he can have a drink.
I dread going out with him and luckily with lockdown that hasn't happened.

The last time we went out for a meal with friends he nearly got into an upset in the pub with someone and we had to leave.

I'm constantly watching him when we are with friends or family (before lockdown)as he literally guzzles it down with absolutely no self control at all and then he stinks and is useless to anyone.

I realise now how much I've enabled it to be honest and that's why they call it the family disease eh.

I said that to him the other day. He asked why and I told him because it infiltrates everyone's lives and everyone's routine ends up around the drinking needs of a man.

It's o my been the last few years on and off but if it's not that it's massive amounts of money of collecting things then suddenly he decides he's stupid for spending so much on something g and sells it all to start collecting something else.

I've told him it's bloody exhausting and that life would be so much calmer and easier if he just was happy with his lot but he never really is.

He seems to be always looking for something else in life regardless of what's right under his nose.

A lovely home and awesome kids ,a supportive compromising wife (too compromising) all the bills get paid.

He worked his way up to a good pay level and title but that's not right anymore and it's too stressful blah blah blah.

It is literally exhausting and I've had enough.

I do the things I do like sort his uniform and clothes his lunches his tea his paperwork etc etc because it's just ended up that way only the last couple of years but looking back he literally doesn't engage in family life at all really.

It's like carrying a dead weight.

I've said to him again this morning he needs to look for somewhere else to live as it's over between us and he needs to respect that and the reasons why.
I'm sure he won't and will still blame me to the bitter end but I'm used to that.

Take screenshots of your posts. When he's crying and swearing he'll change, you need sth to remind you how much of you he has taken away. I know I did that. When my ex was crying on the phone and I was consolling him or when I missed him, I started looking back at old abusive texts and MN posts to remind me how awful my life had become. You forget the bad things after a while and alcoholics are great manipulators.

Thanks for the advice there @WhereamI88 il do that.

Trying to be civil and calm as I am not going to be the screaming banshee but my god it's hard.

Day one