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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I being too sensitive?

22 replies

Nurse1980 · 14/01/2021 01:21

My lovely mum passed away last week suddenly from cancer. We are all devastated. Her funeral is next week. My best friend has just put a huge tribute on Facebook wishing her mum a happy birthday.
Am I being too sensitive being upset with this? I just feels it’s insensitive. My emotions are all over the place at the minute and I don’t know if I’m being rational.
Thank you.

OP posts:

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 14/01/2021 01:24

Sorry but yes, people will still go about their lives. Delete fb.

Pollypudding · 14/01/2021 01:29

So sorry for your loss
It is understandable that you are feeling sensitive at this time. And it is also understandable that your friend wants to celebrate her Mum’s birthday.
YANBU and neither is your friend

Rose789 · 14/01/2021 01:29

I am so sorry to hear about your mum.
Very gently- yes you are being sensitive. Of course you are, and that’s to be expected. It’s normal for your emotions to be all over the place and for things to upset you. It’s hard and it’s awful and my heart goes out to you.

Twillow · 14/01/2021 01:31

I'm sorry for your loss.
I don't think you are being irrational to be upset, that's completely normal and understandable part of your grief that you will no longer have that opportunity. But with love, I say that your friend was not being insensitive to celebrate the love she has for her own mother at a life event. Maybe take some time to think back on how you celebrated birthdays with your mother, and be proud of those occasions.
Bear in mind that while the post may seem over the top, is it possible that in the current situation your friend feels she can't do other things for her mother's birthday that she might have planned?

BaggoMcoys · 14/01/2021 01:31

Usually I find MN threads about Facebook are a bit childish and silly, but in this case I think your friend is in the wrong actually. If she knows you're a regular Facebook user who is likely to see her post, and she knows how upset you are about your own mum, then yeah I think that's pretty bad of her. Thoughtless and insensitive behaviour.

Might be wise for you to deactivate your profile temporarily though as others will just carry on with their lives and you may see other things that hurt you. I am sorry about your mum.

user1473878824 · 14/01/2021 01:34

I’m so, so sorry about your mum. And you don’t need to delete Facebook 🙄 I completely understand why you feel like that and I probably wouldn’t have done it if you were my friend but then would have spent a while umming and ahhing over it, but she’s still your friend’s mum and it’s not her loss. It’s just unfortunate timing. I hope you have someone to give you a real life unmumsnetty hug x

ChestnutStuffing · 14/01/2021 01:39

It's normal to feel sensitive about things like that, but no, your friend wasn't being insensitive. Life goes on, and it can be difficult to see it around us when we are grieving.

It might be a good time to take a bit of a break from things like FB. It used to be the custom that when you had a close death in the family, you would step back from life a bit - parties, social events, etc, and only come back in slowly. That's often a good idea, to take that time away.

Original poster

Nurse1980 · 14/01/2021 01:46

Thank you, I have deactivated Facebook for now. It’s just not worth it.
I know I’m being sensitive, I think I just expected her to be a bit more thoughtful. But I see that like goes on too for other people.

OP posts:

Youdonut · 14/01/2021 01:49

You are being oversensitive, and given the circumstances that's completely understandable and normal. I'm so sorry for your loss.

You can't expect people not to post certain things in case you happen to see it and upsets you. If we did that for everyone, then we'd never post anything! Your friend is trying to show appreciation for her mother on a special day, which I would think is better than someone who takes their mother for granted? I hate to sound awful, but you never know when it may be the last time your friend can show appreciation for her mothers special day.

Again I'm so sorry for your devestating loss. You would be absolutely unreasonable to say anything or harbour bad feelings to your friend. But you are not unreasonable to feel sensitive, sad, angry, or really, anything at the moment. Try to recognise your friend isn't the source of these feelings nor responsible for them - the loss of your mother is.

Be kind to yourself X

Sinful8 · 14/01/2021 02:00

@Nurse1980

My lovely mum passed away last week suddenly from cancer. We are all devastated. Her funeral is next week. My best friend has just put a huge tribute on Facebook wishing her mum a happy birthday. Am I being too sensitive being upset with this? I just feels it’s insensitive. My emotions are all over the place at the minute and I don’t know if I’m being rational. Thank you.

Shes possibly just been reminded that her mum won't be around forever and so wants to make the most of the time

Anordinarymum · 14/01/2021 02:06

My son died in a car accident and it was horrific. This was over three years ago in November and on the 1st December my next door neighbours put their Christmas decorations up. They have lights in every window and their house is lit up like a grotto.

I was shocked and horrified at their apparent lack of respect and thought for my feelings. Later I realised that they meant nothing by it and just went through the motions as they did not know what else to do in such a bad situation. They are such nice people, and kind to me but I did not - could not speak to them at all, thinking it was crass to do that.
People do not know what to do or say in such bad circumstances, and your friend was probably thinking how lucky she was to have her mum.
Don't take anything to heart. It is such a sensitive time for you. I am sorry for your loss x

Findersnotkeepers · 14/01/2021 06:40

I dont think you are being unreasonable in the slightest.

Yeah, people go about with their lives. But if my best friends mother died, theres not a chance I would do a big tribute to mine on FB. Not a chance.

She could celebrate her mother the way most people do, by calling, sending a present and card, soending time with her mum. Theres no need for a public tribute even under normal circumstances, let alone when your supposedly closest friend has lost her own.

I think theres a real trend toward "you do you", "do what makes you happy", "live life to the max" recently that applauds putting your own urges over others feelings.

Your friend could also have made the post but chosen to prevent you from seeing it in the settings.

djdd · 14/01/2021 06:46

I think your friend has been a little thoughtless and insensitive. I would never do that if my best friends mum had just passed away.

Templetree · 14/01/2021 06:49

I dont think you are being oversensitive but I dont think your friend is BU either.
This is grief, its normal to feel sorrow and loss.

BroomHandledMouser · 14/01/2021 06:54

YANBU at all.

I’m so so sorry for your loss xx

FolkAreWeird · 14/01/2021 06:58

I'm so sorry for your loss. You are bound to feel very emotionally fragile at the moment. The loss of your mum has probably made your friend treasure hers even more. These things make people take stock of what they have and realise how lucky they are. She probably just wanted to acknowledge that and I don't think she's wrong in doing so x

HOkieCOkie · 14/01/2021 07:22

No I agree it’s a very emotional and private time. I would hate anyone to post about a loss that isn’t their own.

HOkieCOkie · 14/01/2021 07:24

Apologies I misread the thread. I thought she put a tribute to your mum.. it’s a bit insensitive tbh as she knows your mum has passed but I would let it go. :) x sorry for your loss.

lifestooshort123 · 14/01/2021 08:24

I'm so sorry for your loss 💐 Your friend was a little bit thoughtless but no more - she could have taken your name off her friends list for this one - perhaps it reminded her how much her mum means to her? I agree about keeping off fb for a while and I hope you find the strength to get you through this.

Bluntness100 · 14/01/2021 08:26

I’m sorry sorry about your mum.

I think you know she’s allowed to wish her mum happy birthday any way she wishes, this ones not about you. 💐

whoamongstus · 14/01/2021 10:18

I get it OP - such a huge, fundamental thing like losing a parent completely knocks your world off its axis and it feels baffling that everyone else isn't also just stopped in their tracks by it. I felt so angry at the weirdest things: people inviting me for coffee, a very close friend of mine having a baby shower, the postman shoving the delivery signing thing in my face two days later without inexplicably knowing to be gentle with me. It was irrational and oversensitive, but every second of every day felt raw and I was always SO aware of the bereavement that I almost felt everyone else would be too.

But of course, they're not. And apart from some completely mad, irrational rants I had to myself in the car about how everyone was insensitive, I kept it to myself, and now I'm a few years down the line I'm very glad I did .

But you're not alone. I get it. Be gentle with yourself as life continues around you, it's hard feeling like you've been chucked off the merry go round and have no idea how to get back on and start being 'normal' again.

Uhhuhoyaye · 14/01/2021 11:39

Insensitive behaviour by your best friend. If I was your best friend's mother I would be mortified.

Facebook is a public platform - our behaviour on it should be modified accordingly.

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