Does my mum even care about me anymore?

[Sophie97631]

My parents got divorced when I was 27 (two years ago). We used to do a lot as a family and were all very close and came as a bit of a shock. However, I presumed that being an adult when it happened it wouldn’t have any effect on my life.

Since the divorce, my mum has had different boyfriends who she spends all of her time with and I’ve gone from seeing her a few times a week to rarely (despite her living 10 minutes from me).

I’m an adult and obviously don’t expect ‘to be taken care of anymore’ but I just feel a bit abandoned I guess.

A few examples of where I feel really let down:

-My wedding was last year and she had been with a boyfriend for about 6 months. I reluctantly agreed he could come to the evening reception. Two weeks before the wedding they split up and she had a new boyfriend which I’d never met and she wanted him to come to the wedding. She begs and moans saying I’m not happy for her and eventually I say ‘if this is more important than my happiness on my wedding day then bring him’. Needless to say he came.

My husband was working away when I was about 16 weeks pregnant. She said she would come over and see me. She spent the weekend with a boyfriend instead.

Now I am heavily pregnant with baby due in a matter of weeks. She booked time off work ‘to support me when baby arrives’. Even with covid, she currently had no boyfriend and is a single adult so we decided she could form a support bubble with us and still help out during her time off. Found out tonight she has a new boyfriend and they are forming a support bubble together (they must have been seeing each other 10 days max).

Am I being unreasonable/ hormonal to have had enough. Do I just need to get on with life as an adult and she can do what she wants?

It’s a mixture from me.

YANBU to feel messed around & let down. Especially with regards to her not forming a bubble with you to enable her to help you with the baby as planned.

However, yes it is her life & yes she’s free to live it as she chooses.

This happened to a friend of mine. Really really close family growing up and then her mum died unexpectedly. Her Dad within weeks had a girlfriend - first of many, sold family house and no longer bothered to see his daughter or his grandson - she went through some really tough times too and he wasn't there. I didn't expect that to happen - completely different to the family man he seemed to be.

Honestly? Shes being shit and yanbu shes let you down over some unimportant romance chasing. How juvenile of her.

You were possibly melodramatic over what you said at the wedding I don't think I would lay something on SO thick it could be perceived as sarcasm.

I'd have a word focusing not on what she did. But on how you have been let down through her raising expectations.

She is acting man crazy, no way would I ever break a bubble my expecting dd or dil were in. Yanbu.

Feeling sad for you that your mum has shown you that you’re not her priority, especially when you’ll want her around you in the final stages of pregnancy and when baby arrives. YANBU and you’ve said yourself what you need to do - don't waste any emotional energy on her although I know that’s hard - you won’t be able to make her behave as you’d ideally want her to and she’s demonstrated already that her focus lies elsewhere.

I do think she can make her choices and live her life. She doesn't HAVE to give her time to you. But then she shouldn't commit to time for you OR she should keep her commitments and pursue her men

How often do you see her now? I see mine under normal circumstances once a week, but I work full time and also have siblings. Obviously I'm not seeing her now "cause Covid".
You have a partner, someone to go home to at night and your mum probably just wants the same.
I would have let my mum bring a +1 to my wedding, whether it was a friend I knew or not.
You don't need your mum to hold your hand for a weekend because you are 16 weeks pregnant, although it was unfair of her to drop you for a better offer.

I feel sorry for you that she messes you about and I can see why you’re miffed that she’s putting ‘randoms’ before you

However

She’s probably feeling that alive and excited feeling you do when you’re at the beginning of a relationship. It’s quite addictive really and she’ll know that you’ve gut your DH to support you so she’s basically re-living her youth.

I've learned to see the positive side of this same situation over the years (I'm about 30 years ahead of you though). My friends are run ragged by the demands of their needy parents. My mum doesn't care if I visit or not. It's kind of liberating.

Of course I'd have liked a mum who actually took an interest in me and enjoyed my company, and I don't mean to minimise your feelings. But there is an upside I suppose.

My mum left my dad when I was 6, didnt stay in touch with me because 'it was too hard'. Had to go to her when I was 13 because I had nowhere else to go, and she shipped me off to an aunt I had not see for years within 3 months 'for the sake of her marriage'. I suppose being charitable to your mum, it may be that she feels free from responsibilities now and is having almost a second teenagehood which doesnt leave a lot of room to think about other people. I have heard other women who have decided when the kids have left home and they end their marriages they can be all about themselves now. But it sucks for you and I am sorry this is happening to you - it sounds really hurtful. And you are not being unreasonable asking for support from her (even if you were not pregnant) and it is a rubbish thing to ditch you at the last minute. I am sorry, hope you have some friends who can fill the gap while your mum gets this out of her system.

Some women panic when they get divorced they just have to have a man around but she should put you before a random bloke and I would be very annoyed she put someone she has only known ten days before me. Have you told her you was relying on her support and she had booked time off to help out?