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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to say no

25 replies

Confusedandhurt75 · 13/01/2021 11:39

So a friend i have known for about 10 years is getting married, we are close friends so I will be at the wedding. She has chosen a date which just happens to be my sons 1st birthday so I said I would move his celebrations to the weekend before, she is not having a big wedding just a few people at the registry office and nothing afterwards. She has now said she wants my 2 girls to be flower girls and I'm really not sure its the best idea. My reasons being 1. It will be their first day back at school after the summer holidays so new teacher/classroom 2. They have missed out on so much school this past year and I feel bad for keeping them off for a small wedding.

So I guess am I being totally unreasonable to not want my girls to miss their first day back at school for a few hours in a registry office. I understand she is getting married but I've already moved my sons birthday for her and she chose to have it on a week day.

OP posts:
Calmandmeasured1 · 13/01/2021 11:43

I wouldn't want the girls to miss the first day back. Also, will it even be for a few hours in a registry office? Isn't it more like half an hour for a wedding?

Sethy38 · 13/01/2021 11:46

The fact you moved your 1 year old’s son birthday is irrelevant! The wedding of a close friend versus a 1 year old birthday celebration! Grin

But no - I would not want my children to miss first day back. Absolutely not given the schooling situation they have endured in the past year.

Sethy38 · 13/01/2021 11:47

I would still go though for a close friend though - no doubt about that.

Just not my children

TeenPlusTwenties · 13/01/2021 11:59

Is there a chance that the first day back will be an INSET day?

Is so you can say yes if Inset but no otherwise.
First day back after the summer is important I think.

Choosing week day / term time, these things will happen.

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/01/2021 12:01

YANBU at all. If you get married on a week day you must anticipate a lot of people won’t go. Especially people who have children. Say no, I hope she’s gracious in accepting it.

LemonBreeland · 13/01/2021 12:02

YANBU, I wouldn't want my DC to miss the first day of school. Especially after this last year.

HelloThereMeHearties · 13/01/2021 12:04

Yanbu. First day is very important.

NerrSnerr · 13/01/2021 12:09

I wouldn't want my children to miss their first day back of school but I would go to the wedding while they're at school. I assume you wouldn't have celebrations for your 1 year old with the older ones at school anyway.

2bazookas · 13/01/2021 12:31

A registry office wedding takes only 10 or 15 minutes , so short that there really isn't much time for a "flower girl" role, either from the FG's POV or the bride's It's quite business like, nothing like as ceremonial as a church wedding.

If wedding numbers are still under covid restrictions by then, there might not even be enough room for your daughters.

Missing the first day of a new school year/teacher/classroom is quite a big deal for young children and as you say, you've already accommodated your friend's choice of date. I would be inclined to say "sorry, this is a big day for the girls and they come first"

JohnBarron · 13/01/2021 12:47

No I would want them to be at school, they’ve missed enough school this last year and need to adjust to going back. Plus if you have a mid week wedding you have to expect that some guests won’t be able to make it.

movingonup20 · 13/01/2021 13:07

I would check they are definitely in school, inset days are often on the first day back

Original poster
Confusedandhurt75 · 13/01/2021 13:36

I personally wouldn't choose my wedding date to be a close friends child's birthday as I woulsnt want someone to be put in an awkward position, it also may be a massive deal if said person was trying for a baby for years! The reason I mentioned it is because I am already making accommodations for her wedding without having to disrupt my other children aswell.

OP posts:
StillCoughingandLaughing · 13/01/2021 13:39

I’m confused. So you’ve moved your son’s birthday celebrations to the weekend, but don’t want your daughters missing a single day of school. Given that your son is only one, the date of the celebration will be meaningless for him - if you’d done it on the actual day, the most you could have done is a birthday tea after school (as obviously you wouldn’t be keeping your daughters off school for that either).

Moving a one year-old’s birthday to the weekend, when the family members who WILL remember it will be around, isn’t a sacrifice for your friend’s wedding - it’s common sense. Are you sure you’re not letting the idea that you’ve already somehow made a concession cloud your judgement?

Send your daughters to school if you think it’s vital, but I honestly think they’ll remember being flower girls for a lot longer than they’ll remember whether or not they missed the first day of term.

Original poster
Confusedandhurt75 · 13/01/2021 13:39

It is definitely the first day back i have checked and double checked. So that means my girls will be in new classes with a new teacher, I would also need to request the time off now because if I just keep them off I will be fined.

OP posts:
Original poster
Confusedandhurt75 · 13/01/2021 13:46

@StillCoughingandLaughing yes because my daughters education is more important than my sons 1st birthday hence moving that to another day but not wanting my girls to miss their first day back.
I highly doubt they will remember standing in a registry office for 20 minutes (which is all that is happening) but I bet they would remember missing the first day of school.

OP posts:
StillCoughingandLaughing · 13/01/2021 13:56

I highly doubt they will remember standing in a registry office for 20 minutes (which is all that is happening) but I bet they would remember missing the first day of school.

Then what’s your AIBU? You’ve already made up your mind. Get on with it.

I hope your friend appreciates the massive sacrifice you have made by moving a one year-old’s party to a day that will be more convenient for the vast majority of all involved.

Original poster
Confusedandhurt75 · 13/01/2021 14:04

@StillCoughingandLaughing 🤣🤣🤣 thats never been an issue your just making it one.

The aibu was about my girls schooling, thanks for your helpful input.

OP posts:
NailsNeedDoing · 13/01/2021 14:27

I wouldn’t go in those circumstances. First day back is a big deal and it’s never very nice for young children coming back after missing the first day. It’s sometimes worth it if the event is special enough, but a small wedding is probably not going to be more exciting for your children than first day back to school and their baby brothers birthday.

Usually, the wedding party would be considered when it comes to choosing a date, but your friend has ignored both your sons first birthday and your daughters first day at school, so I wouldn’t be going out of my way for her choice of date.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 13/01/2021 14:28

@StillCoughingandLaughing 🤣🤣🤣 thats never been an issue your just making it one.

It was the first thing you mentioned in your opening post. You claimed you would never do it because it could put someone in ‘an awkward position’ and could be a ‘massive deal’. You make the point of saying you’ve already made accommodations for the wedding.

But no, it was never an issue...

BlingLoving · 13/01/2021 14:31

Not really sure why you're getting attacked here. Perfectly reasonable not to want to take your daughters out of school on their first day back. especially after all that's gone on for the last year.

You would be unreasonable to say you're not going to the wedding yourself. You should go while girls are at school. If necessary, make plans for girls to be dropped off/picked up as needed.

warmandtoasty2day · 13/01/2021 14:38

i've been married twice in registry office, declarations, sign the register, couple of pieces of music, short speech, done and dusted in 20 minutes, next party waitting outside the door. first day of school is more important.

Original poster
Confusedandhurt75 · 13/01/2021 14:45

As said previously I have no issues moving my sons birthday to attend her wedding, Just because I personally would take these things into account does not mean that I have an issue with doing so.
I guess some people like to pick things apart and twist them based on their own experiences.

Yeah of course I am going to attend and if she was having a reception after school hours my kids would be there. I cant help but feel they have missed out on so much schooling due to the current situation and keeping them off on their first day back would cause unnecessary stress.

OP posts:
Tier10 · 13/01/2021 14:47

I think moving your son’s birthday celebration is a big deal, especially for a 1st birthday.

PinkPandaBear · 13/01/2021 14:51

A child’s first birthday and first day of school are big deals. If you choose a weekday wedding during term time then you have to expect that many people won’t be able to attend.

Ponoka7 · 13/01/2021 15:09

Moving your Son's main birthday celebration to a non school day, made sense anyway. It depends on how old your girls are and if they'd really enjoy it. One of my DD's would have loved this opportunity and I would have allowed it. But my other two wouldn't have been fussed.

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