Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Emotional abuse?

21 replies

Catty1720 · 12/01/2021 21:46

My BF of 25 years and I were taking today just general chit chat and it got onto our partners and things they do that annoy us. Light hearted at first my DP never finishes a full cup of tea etc then my BF starts saying things that to me raise red flags.
1- if we argue he always says you’ve done this this is your fault
2-threatens to leave in arguments saying no one will put up with you and you can explain why the kids don’t have a daddy anymore
3- won’t eat what she’s done for dinner then has a go at her because he’s worked all day and has no dinner
4-slags off her family including dead father he never knew and 4 year old nephew because he still drinks from a bottle.
5-brings up last comments but if she does he yells at her for living in the past
6- days ex does more for his DS then she does even though we are in a lockdown (ex isn’t DS mum)
These are just a few things. I didn’t say too much as wanted some advice but am I over reacting is this classed as emotional abuse? He always seems so so lovely but I know he does tend to drink a lot when he drinks

OP posts:
Original poster
Catty1720 · 12/01/2021 21:48

I’m sorry if that’s not clear it’s BF as in best friend

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 12/01/2021 21:48

She's your best friend of 25 years, why didn't you say anything??

Yes, he's abusive

Original poster
Catty1720 · 12/01/2021 21:51

Because if it’s emotional abuse it’s serious and I need to have what I’m going to say sorted and right I was shocked and if I need to talk to her I’m not doing it over FaceTime it needs to be face to face.

OP posts:
Baileysoncereal · 12/01/2021 21:54

Weird response to blame you.

It is emotional abuse, are there any charities like women’s aid that can help give you advice?

Have you tried just probing how she feels
If she thinks it’s ok?
Does she have anywhere else to go?

I’m sure someone will be along who actually knows what to do shortly but didn’t want to read and run
Flowers

RomeoLikedCapuletGirls · 12/01/2021 21:54

She's your best friend of 25 years, why didn't you say anything??

Jesus Christ. Why do people always feel the need to question the OP’s actions rather than just answer the question?

Yes OP it’s red-flaggy. Did your friend seem to know it was odd behaviour? Or is she so used to it?

Original poster
Catty1720 · 12/01/2021 21:56

Thank you @Baileysoncereal I have every intention of helping her but i need to have facts and help to offer it’s all well and good saying it’s abuse but if she says I know what do I do I need to have the answers

OP posts:
Original poster
Catty1720 · 12/01/2021 21:57

She seemed to just brush it off but she would she adores him. I think she picked up on it being odd because I didn’t quite know how to respond to her

OP posts:
Suzi888 · 12/01/2021 21:58

Yes it’s abusive.

AlbaAlba · 12/01/2021 21:59

Yes that sounds really unpleasant. I'd leave if someone was doing this to me, so question is, why hasn't she? If she hasn't left and doesn't seem to think it's bad, then she's been conditioned by him, or her previous family or partners, to think this is normal and they've worn her down.

Does she think it's ok or give any indication that she was troubled by this? Did she grow up in a household where this was normal behaviour?

Start gently, she may not even realise it's emotional abuse at first, and may resist being told. The Freedom Programme is always recommended on here and she can be referred to that, but there's also info online that you could show her.

MissMarpleDarling · 12/01/2021 22:03

For sure he is abusive. Sounds like she was opening up to you, did you tell her that's not OK?

TheTrashBagIsOursCmonTrashBag · 12/01/2021 22:03

Definitely red flags for emotional abuse. Have they been together long? Have you ever noticed anything before like her saying anything like this? I’m wondering if she’s realised things he’s being abusive and she’s using you as a sounding board or just to say it out loud and admit it to herself? Either way, she’s lucky she has friendship with you that goes back so far. As for “why didn’t you say something?” Hmm like it’s that simple. You have to choose your words so carefully.

Original poster
Catty1720 · 12/01/2021 22:03

Her parents are lovely her dad died 4 years ago as she took it very hard he had cancer and it took 2 years. She met her DP a couple of months after this. All her family are very close. It’s so hard to say I think she’s just accepted it I think she would know deep down it isn’t right

OP posts:
Original poster
Catty1720 · 12/01/2021 22:05

I did say to her wow that seems abit much and she said oh he works hard he’s tired and that’s when I thought hang on this screams red flags. She’s never ever mentioned it to me or anything similar maybe in lockdown it’s got worse or more noticeable

OP posts:
Higgeldypiggeldy35 · 12/01/2021 22:18

There's a book called 'why does he do that' or something like that, that I often see recommended on here. Might help her unpick some of his behaviour and come to her own conclusions. I would tell her you think it is abusive, you're worried about her, you're there for her if she ever needs to talk and see if she opens up, maybe have a few numbers she can ring to hand. If she doesn't open up she may need time to digest it. Probably someone she loves and respects (you) highlighting their concerns will start to plant more seeds but it's her life and decision what to do. All you can do is be there for her. And be wary, he may try and isolate her from you if he gets wind of what you've been talking about. Good luck

Higgeldypiggeldy35 · 12/01/2021 22:20

Also it doesn't surprise me that she met him so soon after her dad died when she was grieving and vulnerable. Abusers are very good at sniffing out vulnerability and weakness im sorry to say.

Original poster
Catty1720 · 12/01/2021 22:21

That’s my worry that’s why I didn’t say too much today I’m seeing her tomorrow just the two of us for a socially distanced walk. I just want to express my concerns give her some numbers and let her know I’m here I don’t care if she gets angry and doesn’t talk to me as long as she knows I know and I’m here when/if she needs me

OP posts:
Higgeldypiggeldy35 · 12/01/2021 22:31

Good plan OP 👍

Original poster
Catty1720 · 12/01/2021 22:32

@Higgeldypiggeldy35 thank you just needed to make sure i was right before hand ☺️

OP posts:
Pinkyxx · 12/01/2021 23:10

Another vote for '' 'why does he do that' by Lundy Bancroft. If she's not able to recognize this behavior as abusive this book may help her distinguish between what is and what is 'normal' behavior but more importantly why and the impact of living in this type of environment. This type of behavior creeps in very slowly over time such you get conditioned to it.

Sinful8 · 12/01/2021 23:12

@Catty1720

Because if it’s emotional abuse it’s serious and I need to have what I’m going to say sorted and right I was shocked and if I need to talk to her I’m not doing it over FaceTime it needs to be face to face.
Do you just dat there in scilence?

I'm just so curious how that conversation ended

Original poster
Catty1720 · 12/01/2021 23:18

@Sinful8 no I said to her that seems abit much and she jumped straight to his defence he’s working long shifts he’s tired etc she then changed the subject so I suggested we meet tomorrow when I will talk to her. I need her to know I’ll be there no matter what but I didn’t want her flying off at me and not talking to me when she’s in a vulnerable situation

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread