Night shift - how much sleep after

[Bazinga1988]

So I am probably being unreasonable as I have never worked nights and have always worked standard office hours etc. Dh however is a shift worker, always has been but recently seems to need more and more sleep after a night shift!

We have 1 dc(5) who is currently being home schooled, and I am 19 weeks pregnant. I am working full time from home in a pretty full on office role.

Dh is on nights this week. He works a variety of shifts, including earlies, lates and nights, but predominantly nights.

Last night he started work at 10 (left home at 930pm) and was home by 4am. In bed by 5am.

He has so far slept from 5 - 1030, 11-1230 when he got up for lunch, and then went back to bed at 2pm and is still there.

I have worked, supervised dc while doing home school (which involves logging in to 5 lessons via Google classroom and trying to listen to what's going on), worked all day, although I need to log on later as I'm definitely falling behind on work. Made breakfast, lunch and dinner for me and dc, emptied the dishwasher, sorted a load of washing and just sorted the home shop we have had delivered.

Am I being unreasonable to think dh should have got up and helped out a bit for the afternoon at least, and then gone back to bed later if needed? He's unlikely to get out of bed before 9 so I will do the bedtime routine on my own as well.

Should also mention that yesterday he was in bed all day, got up about midday to do himself some lunch, then reappeared again about 8 to do himself some dinner.

I don't know if I am asking or expecting too much but I feel really stressed and on edge today!

He's not really getting a proper sleep, is he? He's doing 5 hours, probably 4½ after tossing and turning to get to sleep, then some wierd combination of little bits.

Having said that, He's only doing half a night shift, really. When I was a nurse I'd do 8pm-7.45am and my break might not be until 4am.

Can you negotiate that he has breakfast when he gets in, does 5am-3pm in bed, then gets up and has something to eat and takes over from you until 6pm? Then you could share tea time/bed time before he works.

Is he working again tonight? To be fair either way, he can get up an hour earlier and do his fair share! YANBU. I’ve done nights and yes they’re tough and awful but seeing people and having a bit of normality is nice! 10-4 isn’t bad at all, I used to do 8-8!

I was ready to say YABU as an ex nightshift worker. But he's only working 6 hours. Most nightshifts i did were either 7-7 or 8-8 and yes after a few in a row i slept 10 hours. But 6 hours and sleeping all day is a bit of a piss take.

If you have never worked nights its difficult to understand what it does to you.

I used to finish at 4:30am and was home by 5am. I pretty much went straight to bed but I didnt fall straight to sleep.
As long as you don't expect him to have any less sleep than you would on a night then YANBU.
Also its not just about sleep its about getting your body clock to accept that being wide awake and functiing is "normal" at 3am.
If he sleeps for 7-9 hours then there is no reason he cannot be up by 3pm and take over the childcare/cook the evening meal and do the bedtime.

I worked nights (nursing) used to do generally 8.30-7.30, would sleep 9-5.

Even if he's in bed by 5am, what time do you and DS get up?

I suspect he goes to sleep, and is disturbed an hour or so later by you getting up and getting DS sorted, and then has a restless morning as he's disturbed by the daylight, traffic and just normal "house" noise.

He may be better off staying up for a few hours, dealing with DS' morning routine (shower, breakfast, get him settled with work) so you can get up and ready in peace. He could then go to bed around 10am, sleep until 6pm, and have a few hours with everyone for dinner before he goes back to work.

I know I would struggle to go to sleep an hour after getting in from work.

Why is he getting up for lunch? That’s the equivalent of you getting up at about 4am for a meal then going back to bed?
I worked nights and it’s a killer but i’d do 9pm -7am and sometimes 12 hour shifts.

I’d get home, shower and be in bed by 8 am. Probably about eight hours sleep then up for a couple of hours before work.

Why on Earth is he splitting his sleep when he could be in bed for nine hours until 2pm then help out with family life? Does he need earplugs or is he getting out of parenting duty?

The fact is his body clock is fucked up from constant chopping and changing of shifts, you never get a full quota of sleep as the noise of the rest of the household during the day means you'll wake up multiple times and wake up just as shattered as when you enter to bed. Cut him some slack.

Night shifts are really bad for health.

When I did them I made sure I have seven hours of sleep. Just like an evening shift if you get home at 10pm you can’t just go straight to sleep, its the same for nightshift workers.

I work 12hr nights 7-7. I get home around 7.30, usually in bed by 9am & I sleep until 4pmish. I work 4 on 4 off . On my first day I aim to have an afternoon nap. After my last nightshift I I stay up all day & try to stay awake until 9pm.

I’d be inclined to cut him some slack, as I used to do 7.30pm to 8.30am shifts at the hospital, but he’s working much less than that. Presumably he’s also eating meals while on shift, so actually getting up for lunch and interrupting his sleep seems silly as a previous poster said. If he slept 5am to 2pm straight through, that’s 9 hours and he could eat when he wakes up.

I think he’s taking the piss a bit to avoid doing much. Sorry. He’d be much less tired if he got a solid 8 or 9 hours too with no interruptions.

I agree with a previous poster, it might be better for him to power through for a couple of hours until you/ child get up and then sleep for a longer stretch, than to go to bed at 5am and then get woken a couple of hours later. Does he have blackout blinds/ ear plugs to help him sleep in the day?

I'm doing 8-8 just now. Only 2 a week but they are together so 1st day I'll get up as normal then go to bed about 1pm to 5pm. Then I go to work, bed about 9.30am next day till 5pm, work again then I'll come home and have a sleep till about 2/3pm I can't stay awake all day after my last one as I'm 23 weeks pregnant and shattered.

There's also a world of difference between doing regular nights and a rolling pattern of shifts, the latter is far far worse for getting regular sleep patterns.

@Bazinga1988

Full time shift work is shit. Especially when it rotates around 6-2, (mornings,) 2-10, (afternoons) and 10-6 (nights.) And full time permanent nights is exhausting. Especially so if you're a little bit older. (45+.)

It is hard to get any rest, and good sleep, and the night shift is particularly difficult. It's so hard to sleep, and you are just so tired 50% of the time you're awake.

I am torn because one the one hand, I do feel sorry for you, because when one partner does full-time shift work, (particularly if it's permanent nights,) the other partner seems to have to do virtually everything.

On the other hand, the person doing the shifts can't help being so tired and weary, and unable to do much (because they're sleeping when they're not working, OR they're weary and tired.)

You have my sympathy, genuinely. It's not easy when your partner is a full-time shift worker, particularly a night shift one!

Don't have much more advice than has already been given.

All the best xxx

I work nights and because it is hard to get good quality refreshing sleep it can easily take over.

Try to negotiate a timetable but come from a supportive angle. Bearing in mind that he won't be able to just turn on and off sleep and some flexibility will be needed if he hasn't been able to rest well.

You are not being unreasonable to want some help with parenting.

Where I think you are being unreasonable is by listing the things you do in the day while your partner sleeps.

He could list "kept nuclear reactor cool and averted disaster" or "made 20,000 widgets" while you slept but what would be the point?

That’s taking the biscuit to me.

As someone getting broken sleep with terrible baby sleeper the last 9 months, 7 hrs sleep would be the dream.

I think if he is in bed at 5am- then 9 hrs later ie 2pm he should be awake. 2pm-5am is only 15hrs awake, most people do that if they woke 7am and bed 10pm, usually later.

Then he can have lunch then whilst supervising child, and take child outside an hour before it’s dark, plus be around to help with bedtime.

Think you are being harsh and need to have a bit more compassion. Night shift plays absolute havoc with your body

Suggest he tied staying up when he get home in the morning,has dinner then gets up the dc and generally helps out ,has lunch then goes to bed 12/1pm until 8.30pm .he will be more alert at work having just got up and can help you out.

When I was with my STBXH I did very very long well over 12 hours night shifts. (Still do but no longer with DH)
Before DC were school age I wouldn’t get to sleep at all unless it was a weekend. Then I’d be “allowed” to sleep until lunch time, so roughly 3 hours, then he would be entitled to his sleep as I’d had one and the poor man had to parent on his own 🙄

Now my DC are school age I sleep roughly 4 hours before getting them from school. Or during lockdown and now being home it will depend how’s he’s feeling whether they’re home as soon as I am or if I get a couple hours.

Wonder why I left him?! (Among many many other reason)

Your husbands not even doing a full night shift. He's doing 6 hours!

We started at 7pm finished 7.30am. Home by 8 in bed by 9 up around 4-5.

Your husband should be up by 2 I'd say

I think he's taking the piss. Yes night shifts are vile however I think his routine needs to change. I dont know why he's getting up amd going back to bed after eating meals, he's hold try amd stay in bed and have a stretch of decent sleep like he would if he worked day shifts.
Ypu wouldn't get up at 4am to eat would you, and go back to bed.
If he had a stretch of 8-9 hrs then he could help wither in thr morning when he comes home if you amd DS are awake and/or helps in the evening before he goes to work.
No reason he should be checking out of everything.

I agree it's not even a full shift, I forgot its 6hrs. So yes he is massively taking the piss

He’s in bed (mostly) from 5am till 9pm.

I bet he’s not asleep all that time, he’s pissing about on his phone rather than come out and help.

Mine works 12 hour nights. He'll come home at 8ish in the morning then sleep solidly and completely uninterrupted from 9am-4pm. I'd never wake him unless it was very important e.g something really wrong with our toddler.