I need some advice. I am at my whits end and just don't know what else to do.
Its a long story so i shall try and keep it as brief as possible. I have been going through the legal/court process for over a year now.
My daughter is 5, coming up to 6 in the next few months.
My ex partner is notorious difficult and has been since we split. Our relationship was always rocky. He was emotionally abusive and controlling.
Despite the split I have never denied contact between him and my daughter but every time i said no to something e.g. overnight visits he would threaten me with court action if i didn't agree to what he wanted. Hes always bullied me or at least tried to.
The main issue arose when he had 3 car crashes within a year, one of which my daughter was in the car and had to go to hospital A&E in an ambulance. Fortunately there was just cuts and bruises and the pains she was feeding were nothing serious. Because of this my daughter then had a phobia of cars, roads etc so it was then not a possibility for her to visit as she wouldn't get in a car. He did not come with me to take her to hospital but instead choose to take his girlfriend home instead.
After this, more concerns have arisen, I was told about his drug problem with cocaine, mental health concerns where he was admitted to a mental health hospital, addiction to alcohol and then had his girlfriends mother find me and message saying he had attacked his girlfriend and also threatened to burn her house down. She admitted they hadn't been together long but she could see his controlling nature emerging as well.
Because of refusing access, CAFCASS then got involved. I then had an initial phone interview to explain my concerns in which the CAFCASS lady agreed that it was in my daughters best interest to not spend time with him at least for the moment. This was then presented to the court and in the first court hearing they agreed that there should be no contact between him and my daughter until a further report was done.
Well, this is where i believe i have been failed by the system and where the problems have actually emerged.
In the actual CAFCASS interview, i explained my concerns in detail once again. I showed the officer the evidence of certain concerns that i felt needed looking into and even gave her name of the mental health hospital he was admitted to.
At this point, what i was hoping for was that they would do a little investigation work and either shed a light to the risk he poses to my daughter or at the best option to put my mind at ease that i had no reason to be concerned.
The report was completed by a student social worker and when the report came out, my concerns were no where to be seen. They had not even been mentioned let alone addressed. I was devastated. It was like they hadn't spoken to me at all. I appealed the report and put a detailed complaint to CAFCASS of all the things they had ignored, to which CAFCASS refused my complaint and said there was nothing wrong with the report.
In the next court hearing, my solicitor raised the report as inadequate and the court threw that out and said no further report would be requested. They refused to come to any form of decision and made us sit in the court house until we reached a temporary decision between us. I found this extremely difficult as i still had safe guarding concerns and tried to push for supervised contact which was rejected completely. Because I felt pushed by him and honestly, pushed by my own solicitor I had to settle on an short term contact of 2 afternoons a week and occasional Saturdays until the next court hearing where this would be reviewed.
Here's where it gets even more difficult, COVID hit. I live with both my parents, my mother is vulnerable and my dad is declared clinically extremely vulnerable and was given strict instructions to shield.
Naturally, i was worried about continuing contact but because i had a court order thought i had to continue with it. My ex partner then contacted me and said given the situation he thought it was best that he didn't physically see my daughter but instead asked if we could opt for video calls. I was surprised by this considerate and responsible action and thanked him numerous times. I continued to support phone calls and facetime for the initial lockdown.
Once lockdown eased, the usual behaviour returned with him demanding contact which given the COVID pandemic was in my eyes unreasonable considering my parents health. I knew he wasn't considering social distancing at all and that increased a risk to my family.
Reluctantly i offered social distance visits at a local park as the best option, he accepted and this went on well for a period of weeks, until this was no longer enough for him.
He then decided he wanted his court order back but my solicitor told me he had already void it and we made an agreement outside the order so it was now no longer applicable. My ex partner then didn't show up for a contact visit we had arranged and then decided to refuse all contact offers i made with my daughter, including phone calls which meant he didn't see her once again for a period of 6 months more or less. Overall he has barely seen her in over a year.
Christmas came and i offered some contact time. I offered up a back room of my house where my parents do not use and thought this would be the best option given how cold it is and how early it gets dark now. I let him come through a side gate so there was no need to come through the house or see anyone except our daughter. When i did see him, i was more than friendly and polite to make him feel welcome and in fairness the contact this time went well.
Since this court has been postponed until this week where we had our first phone hearing. This did not go well for me and i know feel really disheartened and like no one is interested or listening. The magistrate tore me apart and my ex came up whiter than white. She said it was my own fault that my ex didn't wasn't seeing my daughter and that i had no right to "dictate" to her father who/what/when/where he can do with her. She said it was unreasonable to expect him to use the back room of my house and that ultimately i had handled the whole situation wrong. She wouldnt even acknowledge that he was the one who stopped and refused contact and that I had done my best to keep my family safe but ensure he still had options. She said COVID was "no excuse regardless of my parents needing to shield"
In the hearing i offered my ex once again social distance visits twice a week until COVID lightens up and then said we could look at his court order being reinstated. He once again declined this option and it has no been left that we are to attend a contested hearing in a few months.
He is now feeling very validated and being aggressive once again demanding to see our daughter which i have never stop without good reason but i remain confused how he can refuse my offer in court and try and push reinstating contact now?
Hes lied the whole way through this and seems to be getting away with it. Its so frustrating when all i am trying to do is what is best for my daughter and no one is listening!
Hes submitted lying reports that i have been abusive towards him throughout our relationship and then taken it back saying he said it because he was angry, hes bullied me constantly, insulting me at any chance, refused contact with my daughter multiple times, he has never been consistent with her since shes been born. I have been subject to verbal abuse of both his parents when they turned up at my house a few occasions to scream and shout at me in front of my daughter. They've deliberately intimidated me in the court building by constantly glaring at me.. that may sound silly but i'm hoping you'll know what i mean by that and how uncomfortable it feels! Hes lied constantly and now accused my dad of being "intimidating"... despite the fact my dads been strictly shielding and he hasn't seen him since this began!
No one is listening to my point of view or what he put me and my daughter through. No one cares what I have to say. Is there anything i can do or am i fighting a loosing battle? I'm in so much debt because of this and i can say with honesty, hes enjoying every step because hes getting away with his poor behaviour!
I just want to know is there anyone out there that can give some advice/suggestions or tell me if my case is hopeless. My solicitor has given up, he is once again pushing me to just agree to what my ex partner wants and has changed his outlook completely. Hes told me the whole way through that i've been reasonable and done my best and i can't be penalized for how i've acted or my reasons behind the actions but i have been!
I'm desperate, i don't have very long to prepare for this contested hearing and I'm genuinely at a loss with the whole situation, its destroying me mentally and i cannot cope with this high level of stress any longer.
Any help/advice/suggestions would be greatly appreciated! or equally, am i being unreasonable in any of this?