Racial divide

[aceofharts]

Some kind advice needed please

A friend of mine has made it clear over the last few months that her views on BLM/race tensions do not align with mine and she’s made a number of offensive off hand comments (particularly referencing that BLM movements have been “overkill” and “in your face”). I’ve distanced myself from her as I found the comments to be racist and ignorant. I’ve not addressed this with her yet and have avoided a few of her messages when she checks in.

My OH is black (I’m white) so of course I feel particularly passionate and protective about the topic. AIBU for wanting to explain exactly how I feel to her? I know that it will be the end of the friendship so I really have nothing to lose, but I don’t want the confrontation and I also worry about upsetting her - aside from these remarks she is a lovely person and has been a good friend for years. Any advice on how to have that conversation?

I'm not only advocating for black people in general

Black people don't need you to advocate for them.

I’m mixed race. The BLM movement has been quite in your face and that was the point to bring attention.

I’m not sure if those two comments alone would make me end a friendship completely.

Having been a trade union steward and political activist when younger I found hanging out with people that always agreed with me quite tiresome and a bit of an echo chamber,

@aceofharts if you consider her a good friend could you not sit down and talk to her. Does she fully understand what the BLM movement is about it’s not just a case of being a person of colour is it? Honestly I had to educate myself as I didn’t know as much as I thought I did. She’s entitled to her views of course but if you want to keep the friendship it wouldn’t hurt to say actually what you said upset me have you thought of it this way??

Tricky one.

If you have it in you- I would seek to understand rather than convince. Ask her what she thinks the experience of non white people is- whether she thinks my mate ( black woman with dreads- also orthopaedic surgeon) who was shouted at in the street was making it up, etc etc.

She may not see/ hear / understand the different reality that black/ ethnic minorities experience. She might not be able or willing to engage with it. You have an opportunity to show her things she might not be able to see from her echo chamber because you are friends and you are not a threat.

Of course she might just not be open to seeing it in which case you might just cut your losses.

Btw- also white, DH mixed race so feel strongly about this as well.

I don't like behaviour of extinction rebellion or circus around Greta (i believe someone was getting very rich in a background and it was not all as amazing as shown in PR). That doesn't mean I don't believe in climate change and climate emergency and go around burning tyres🤷🏻

Same with BLM. You don't have to like them too much, you can disagree with some behaviour, but it doesn't mean you are racist and go around victimising black people.

The problem is BLM is a political movement, so whether your support it or not has nothy to do with equality.

How would you feel if you were forced to support a specific political party?

@SchrodingersImmigrant

It depends if her negative opinion is on BLM as in organisation or blm as in the idea that black lives matter. The former is her opinion she is entitled to and many people share it. No organisation is immune from that. The latter, I wouldn't get over.

This.

I would also like to add that I think you can agree with a message 100% but not like how it was delivered.

The problem is BLM is a political movement, so supporting it is not the same as supporting equality?

How would you feel if you were forced to support a specific political party?

Read up on courageous conversation. Having a conversation with her need not be terminal. It is - despite what MN says - possible to have meaningful exchanges that do not result in ending relationships

If you are this involved in anti-racism and have experience of this person as being good otherwise, I'm surprised you don't see this as an opportunity to either educate/inform or at least have a discussion. Why can't you explain to her that you find her comments hurtful, offensive and concerning and see where that leads?

Black people do not operate as a unit and have one unifying point of view or voice. My perception from family, friends and colleagues is that there is a mixed reaction to the BLM movement within the black community and outside of that. For context, my DH is black and I am jewish, so have a complicated racial dynamic ourselves.

The BLM movement's website has a manifesto including things like destroying capitalism. I'm anti-capitalist myself but if someone who wasn't objected to this, I wouldn't end a friendship over it. I would end a friendship over disagreement with the fundamental concept - Black Lives Matter - but not over the finer political nuances.

BLM U.K. were in the paper today because they have received 1.2 million in donations and are now donating part of it to various organisations. I hope it is going to some decent organisations like Southall Black Sisters and the Newham Monitoring Project.

I don’t have any particularly strong opinion on BLM U.K. or BLM USA as they are separate organisations and are both pretty new.

I don’t see why my opinion on them should make someone want to end a friendship. I don’t think much of Oxfam’s behaviour but that doesn’t make me pro famine.

If you cannot tolerate any dissenting opinions on the BLM movement and see those opinions as racist then end the friendship - I’m sure she will be relieved to be free from a ‘friend’ who can accuse her of being a racist so flippantly. The accusation has become meaningless it seems.

This is a perfect example of negative social consequences for WrongThink.