To have given up on my “happy ending”

[Babypiggy]

Hi pls be gentle if you can...this might sounds self absorbed and I am sure people have worse problems. I am coming up to the two year mark since my divirce was confirmed and formalised. It was my decision as my exH didnt really make me feel loved, often laughed at me not with me and also used to constantly make comments about my weight (ive never been bigger than a size 12) basically over the period if then 10 years we were together he slowly but surely battered my self confidence and made me feel very ugly and undesired. He never initiated sex and well i just felt like a plain frump. He moved on c quickly after he realised I was serious about divirce and met a new partner within two months who he now has a baby with. I dont regret my marriage because I did have by beautiful son with me ex and also i now realise that I lost myself in my marriage, letting his view of me become my reality. I did have a relationship after my marriage ended but was betrayed which was upsetting and disappointing. Id love to meet someone who I feel really cares for me and I for them but Im 35 and feel im a bit old and also id love another child but dont feel like theres many decent guys out there... i did do some internet dating which resultednin six dates, all of which with men who had issues, were a bit selfish and were not for me... aibu to think i wont get a second chance? Thanks for sticking with this- appreciate its long

You've got plenty of time left to meet someone else! People get married into their 60s and 70s so I do think writing yourself off at 35 is a bit dramatic. If I were single and 35 and wanted another child I would look at options of doing that on my own though rather than desperately seeking another relationship for that purpose. But otherwise, just relax and enjoy being independent and if you meet someone else, see it as a bonus.

Yabu...there is no reason why a new relationship can't come into your life if you remain open to it. Well done for escaping a crap marriage and fling. You are worth better and 35 is no age really....

I agree with above poster. Have a baby on your own and then you have time for love to find you rather than rushing and settling for someone because you are worried about your clock ticking.

I’m 43 and in a happy new post divorce relationship. You need to remain open to possibility.

Thanks bumping for more feedback pls- i just feel really stuck and wondering how the heck i will find someone. Miss having someone on my team. Find myslef watching videos of when my son was three and missing those days. Hes grown so quickly. I often think should i have stuck with ex Jave had another baby

You do have time to meet someone else, of course. But the best thing you can do for yourself is to realise that "happy endings" are from fairy stories and that a relationship isn't the be all and end all. I felt like you at 35, I'm now 50. In that 15 years I've had 2 longer term relationships (4 years +) and 2 short ones (less than 1 yr). As you can see, I haven't spent much time alone! They were all pretty much mistakes! Ok I didn't want another child, but there are options open to you in that regard.

I'm now doing what I should have done years ago and focusing on me. People often trot out the cliché that you have to love yourself first. I've realised what that really means is you have to be happy to be by yourself. That in itself is the "happy ending". It puts you in a much stronger position that if you do meet someone, you won't tolerate any crap! It also means you aren't giving out any kind of vulnerable or "desperate" vibes, which attract the wrong sort of men.

You may need to rewrite what the ending is, but that doesn't mean it won't be happy. Far from it. What we want is often not what would make us happy.

I don't think you're unreasonable to be wary but I do think you're unreasonable to give up on your happy ending at 35. It'll undoubtedly take a while to regain your self-confidence and find your feet in who you are without your husband telling you how he feels about who you are but it will come.

Dating is hard at any age to find someone who matches us in all the ways we feel are important. It's a difficult age group too because, like you, many men are coming from failed relationships with their own baggage of issues. You've just got to talk, explore, and find someone whose baggage you can deal with and who equally decides can deal with yours. It seems never ending but my friend had a success story after many, many years of dating the wrong men. At 35 she found her (now) husband and they're expecting their first child together this Spring after a low-key pandemic wedding.

OP I agree with the PP about having a baby on your own first, if that is your priority. That will take the pressure off trying to find a partner. You don’t want to end up with another wrong’un. Work on building your self-esteem back up so you’re truly happy on your own, then you may well meet someone in your forties. Best of luck, it’s really not too late

Im not sure id want to have a baby solo...id rather do it with someone I love ans who loves me. I just feel like it wont happen for me - the pandemic does not help. It feels like all the decent guys are taken!

I think it's difficult in the pandemic, in normal times i'd say get out more, but that's not possible. I'd work on yourself for now and stop looking until things get a bit more normal, then throw yourself into getting out and doing lots of things you enjoy and just open yourself up to getting to know lots of people. You are far too young to write yourself off.