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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Asking for day off when loved one dies ?

47 replies

LAURAMINIMAQ88 · 10/01/2021 20:16

Hi.
My great granddad has passed away this evening.
We were very close yet living in different countries for the past 5 years.
I cant attend the funeral due to covid and lockdown restrictions.

Am I allowed to ask my boss for 1 day off
I dont want to feel bad asking if and having to worry about covering arrangements.
I would just like to stay in and not work tomorrow.
It is only 1 day that I would like to take.
Am I allowed to ask my boss ?

OP posts:

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 10/01/2021 22:15

sorry for your loss

If you're not fussed about being paid, and you're not certain of your company's compassionate leave policy, ask for annual leave and say what it's for.
Some company policies I've worked with have simply stated close relative, others have spelt out what counts as a close relative.
Your manager may just authorise annual leave, or suggest you take it as compassionate leave - but saying why you need the day off explains the short notice, and hopefully you'll get some empathy if you're a bit wobbly.
Probably not as if you have a million places to go to use up your annual leave anyway .

DuzzyFuck · 10/01/2021 22:20

Sorry for your loss OP

If I were you I would call in and say you're not coming in because you've had a family bereavement and you need a day to yourself. You can absolutely do that.

It'll then be up to the company how they treat it. Some would grant compassionate leave, some put it down as a self-certified sick day, some [grim] employers would ask you to take a day of your leave.

All employers are different in how they approach compassionate, at my work we get up to 2 days for the death of a close relative (parent, grandparent, sibling). Meanwhile a friend's generous employer gives up to a week for just about any genuine reason - his Mum was taken very ill abroad and he had to fly out to be with her and that all went down as compassionate leave.

Plussizejumpsuit · 10/01/2021 22:35

Christ what is the world when you can't take time off when a loved one dies.

Sorry for your loss op. Just call in sick and take the time you need.

Brighterthansunflowers · 10/01/2021 22:41

Sorry for your loss

I don’t think most employers would give compassionate leave for great grandparents but they absolutely should take your individual circumstances into account by allowing you to use annual leave or unpaid leave. Or they may let you use compassionate leave given your close relationship.

YADNBU to ask, i hope they agree

Oreservoir · 10/01/2021 22:45

@Serin I empathise. My experience of nhs managers is that the care doesn’t extend to staff. My colleague was asked if she would work the morning as her dm’s funeral was in the afternoon!
My own mil lived 200 miles away and we had to drive there and back in a day for her funeral as I wasn’t allowed 2 days off. So stressful.

daisypond · 10/01/2021 22:46

I actually would expect most employers to give compassionate leave for great-grandparents. It’s possibly not specified in contracts, because most people of working age won’t have great-grandparents.

BackforGood · 10/01/2021 23:22

You are upset, so this probably isn't the time to ask, on an internet forum, but you will see from other posters that I am not alone in suspecting you are not entitled to it.
As I said in my first post, many managers will use their discretion.
I'm not going to argue with you.
I hope you are able to get the time.

waydownwego · 11/01/2021 06:44

As a line manager, I'd let you have the time off without notice, but it wouldn't be considered compassionate leave automatically.

It sounds as if you didn't have a father growing up and your great-granddad was a father figure to you - if I knew that, I would be secretly arguing with HR to try to get the day classified as compassionate leave and not annual leave. It wouldn't be automatic, and I couldn't guarantee it, but I would try.

Really sorry for your loss, @LAURAMINIMAQ88.

gannett · 11/01/2021 07:13

When I was young in my first ever job a friend of mine died in a car crash. I remember being nervous about asking for a day off to go to her funeral but before I'd even mentioned the funeral my boss said that of course I should have time off, no questions asked.

No decent company would deny you bereavement time OP.

BathroomHeadache · 11/01/2021 07:17

I've had a team member recently ask for a few days short notice annual leave as a close friend had died, our policy stipulates close family for bereavement leave but allowed management discretion, I changed it to compassionate leave. I'd ask for time off, explain why, imply you'll take it as annual leave or unpaid leave and they may well change it to compassionate leave. Ignore people saying to lie about being ill, we're all grown ups, not children trying to blag a day off school. You have a very legitimate reason for wanting some time off, it's just how your company record it.

lifestooshort123 · 11/01/2021 07:29

I'm sorry for your loss but feel you were unnecessarily harsh to @BackforGood. When I was a line manager, if the time off was for someone who wasn't a close relative then the policy was you would need to take emergency annual leave for however long was needed. A colleague lost his grandmother who no longer lived locally but who had raised him and they only gave him the day of the funeral as bereavement leave - it was too far to travel on the day so had to take leave for the other two - we were gutted for him. You've presumably decided by now but, as you don't mind not being paid, I'd ask my manager for a couple of days holiday and explain why. I hope it works out for you.

MinnieMountain · 11/01/2021 07:45

I had to take a/l to go to my grandmother’s funeral. It seems to be standard policy for most employers.

SomewhatBored · 11/01/2021 07:50

It depends on your company's policy. In normal times I would have thought most companies would at least allow you time off to attend the funeral, but might expect this to be worked back. You can only ask! FWIW when I was a manager I would have authorised a day's bereavement leave for this.

DeepFakeQueen · 11/01/2021 07:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RichardMarxisinnocent · 11/01/2021 07:57

[quote Oreservoir]@Serin I empathise. My experience of nhs managers is that the care doesn’t extend to staff. My colleague was asked if she would work the morning as her dm’s funeral was in the afternoon!
My own mil lived 200 miles away and we had to drive there and back in a day for her funeral as I wasn’t allowed 2 days off. So stressful.[/quote]
Just to balance this with an NHS employer who does care, my dad died suddenly in November. I was told to take as much time off as I needed. I ended up taking 3 days after he died (I felt I needed to go back to work to keep my mind occupied) then 2 days for his funeral as needed for travel. One of those 5 days I had been due to be on prebooked annual leave- my manager changed this to compassionate leave.

DappledThings · 11/01/2021 08:03

It all really depends on your own set up and the company's set up. You've said you wouldn't expect to be paid but I would have no mechanism to authorise this. Unpaid leave for us is highly unusual and needs to be agreed far in advance after completing a request form.

I would however happily allow you to take annual leave at short notice or possibly a day's compassionate leave if you clarified the relationship. A grandparent, or great-grandparent wouldn't automatically trigger compassionate leave but it is at my discretion to offer it.

peak2021 · 11/01/2021 08:25

Of course reasonable to ask for a day off, a day's leave at least.

MissMarpleDarling · 11/01/2021 08:32

Sorry for your loss. My grandparents are late 80s and if one of them dies, lockdown or not, I'm driving the 2 hours to be with the other one and won't even think about work.

MissMarpleDarling · 11/01/2021 08:34

Luckily my work are great and I know would say take as long as I need

Crazycatstory · 11/01/2021 08:38

I’ve had compassionate leave (NHS) when my grandfather passed away, we were very close. Maybe it depends on your manager. I’m very sorry for your loss

Abraxan · 11/01/2021 08:57

@Serin

My workplace (NHS) would no way allow this. They might let me take itas annual leave but I doubt it as they require substantial notice. In recent years I have missed the funeral of my Grandmother and my cousin. My cousin was only young and some family members have hardly spoken to me since, as they felt I should have been there.

I find this so sad. We really do need to have a more empathetic and compassionate system in place for looking after people when loved ones die.

There needs to be in place a system where people are able to attend funerals of people they care about, not just based on how close a blood relative they were.

I teach and fortunately have a very kind and caring headteacher. We would definitely be given time off for this, even if the funeral was 'online' etc. It may not be paid, due to the 'rules' of paid leave, but at least we'd be able to take time off. Obviously taking a holiday isn't an option in schools.

I really do find it so sad that we value people's health and well-being so lowly in many parts of our society.

Lexilooo · 11/01/2021 14:01

Just contact your manager, explain that your great grandfather who you were very close to has died and you would like to take the day of the funeral off as you don't think you will be able to cope at work.

Say you aren't sure whether it will qualify for compassionate leave but you really feel you need the time so can you take it as holiday or unpaid leave if you don't qualify for compassionate leave.

That gives your boss every chance to agree to the time off, you don't look cheeky and it leaves the issue of pay to company policy/ manager discretion

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