Can't stop losing friends

[hyunasthebest]

Hi I was wondering if anyone has any similar experience or can offer advice.
I have multiple long-term mental illnesses and also ADHD. Over the years I repeatedly lose friends as they gradually phase me out.
I am pretty much friendless at this point because of this.

The friendships will always be going well and then I have a depressive episode and cannot bear to talk to anyone. I shut myself away, withdraw from social contact. I have tried to reply to texts when I feel like this but it feels physically painful. People get understandably upset when they don't hear from me for months and then I pop back up.

Even though I've had treatment, it hasn't helped. I've tried having very honest conversations with people about it and they often say they understand, it's okay and then still phase me out. I am just too much hassle as I cannot be consistent.

Please does anyone have any advice. I am sick of being alone. Even when I make friends I lose them after a while and end up alone again.

Hi, OP!

So sorry to read this. Please be kind to yourself and remember than even people who are not struggling with mental health issues need to withdraw from time to time, to be alone, have a bit of space, albeit probably not for months at a time. I'd rather ask you it you think those friendships were qualitative ones rather than superficial, if they were so easy to dump you even though they knew the situation.

Another question would be if you got the right kind of help - you say you did get treatment but I did not help. Perhaps it was not the right one? I'd keep trying to seek help, there's no "one size fits all", so maybe you just haven't found the right one for you, yet.

Best of luck. You do sound like a lovely person

I was just thinking today that this ‘friends for life’ thing is such a myth. I seem to make friends fairly easily, but they always drift away a couple of years later once they’re at a different job/school/stage of life and no amount of friendly texts / suggestions of coffee seems to prevent this. They just aren’t interested in meeting up with me anymore 😭 Today a woman who I’d meet 3 times a week 2 years ago basically asked why I was texting her.

Obviously extra difficult in your situation but I can assure you it definitely happens even without the issues you describe. Most people constantly drift away I reckon unless you’re lucky enough to live in a very stable community.

I don’t have a solution except maybe join a community even if just online where although individual members will come and go, you can at least have an ongoing relationship with a group. Like when things open up a volunteer group or writing group or a Zumba class.

When the friendships are going well, would you say you are giving support to friends in that time? Friendships are based around compatibility, availability and reciprocity. You clearly do the first, you dont do the second so what about the third?

I think you're judging yourself too harshly. As time passes fewer friends because of all the other commitments, house moves and 'life' is a fairly common experience. In the meantime, when you feel up to it, try to make new friends and keep working on yourself with what support you can access, you deserve to be comfortable with yourself too.

Hi op. Sorry to hear you’re struggling with friendship. Wish I had some advice but I struggle to keep friends too so can’t offer advice but I wanted you to know you’re not alone.

A lot of friendships are circumstantial - you go to school together, uni together, work together, play in a sports club, your kids go to school together.

When those circumstances changes, a lot of friendships end - when people move areas or change jobs etc.

If circumstances change - eg you no longer socialise - then that friendship will change and many will not survive. Equivalent to you moving areas.

So it's not necessarily something you can change yourself. It's not necessarily in your power to do so.

Some friendships do survive major change, of course. But they are small in number and special.

What does friendship look like to you? What do your hope to get from a friendship and what do you bring to your friends?

I think most friendships depend on convenience and being mutually beneficial. I don't think most friendships are the lifelong affairs depicted in films.

You say you explain your MH problems to your friends and that they’re understanding. But do you offer support and understanding to friends in return? I had a friend with MH problems who I supported for many years but the friendship ended after I went through a very difficult period and she wasn’t there for me at all (she was well at the time). Most people don’t have a problem supporting friends or even a lack of consistency but friends like to know they will be supported in return. Just a thought, not saying that applies to you but just an idea in response to your post asking for advice.

I am sorry to hear you are suffering. I wonder if when you are feeling well enough you could put some extra focus on how your friends are, so it’s a two way street- this might make for stronger foundations in your down periods. I have a friend who doesn’t respond etc etc and has explained how bad things are and she can’t atm. I understand and will be there for her as I always am and will listen and support when she’s ready. But a small part of me thought - I’m actually going through hell myself right now. But she’s never asked about me. I’m going through divorce, recovering from years of abuse, got difficult teen situations, isolation and feeling like I’m breaking into small pieces. But she sees me as strong so leaves me to it. I’ve felt almost on the edge so many times. Remember your friends might be going through stuff too. Persist with them when they don’t respond by saying you’re there for them when they’re ready to talk and you hope they’re ok.

I just wanted to say that even though your post makes me so sad it's also quite cathartic for me to hear. I also have ADHD and depressive episodes and although I have a few friends who have stuck it out, many, many haven't and it has gotten even harder now that I've not been able to physically see people – an in-person visit would go a long way pre-Covid but it's so hard keeping up communication digitally isn't it?

All I can suggest that helps for me is I keep a list of my friends in an excel spreadsheet and put information about what is going on in their lives so I can follow up with the odd text to show them I still care e.g. how is your nan doing after her operation/how is your new job going/I just finished a book you might like, would you like me to post it to you? without starting a full-blown convo.

And then sitting down for maybe 15-20 minutes every few days to reply to unanswered messages. Obviously this doesn't help during a depressive episode but it makes communication more consistent when you can.

The other thing I did at the start of this year was sit down and really think about who was an actual friend and who I was still in contact with out of habit more than anything. It's ok to refine your friend list so you have a smaller number of high-quality friendships in your life.

I think MojoMoon is right: people have incredibly high expectations from friends and in reality a lot of friendships aren't designed to stay the course. Only a very small handful of people will be friends for life.

Its not a popular view on here but I think this is fairly normal and natural and part of being an adult is that friendships fade in and out as people's needs and circumstances change. A friend drifting away for a while doesn't have to mean the end of the friendship it just means its evolving and I think a lot of people take this far too personally.

If you have MH difficulties it probably takes on more importance and I can see how this situation would be difficult. But I think you are probably attributing a lot of things to your MH issues when they are actually just about natural drift and evolution. Try not to over-invest and over-think.