Arguing over parenting

[Rubypoo]

Posting for traffic
My DP has struggled since our youngest was born after a big gap. He never wanted another child and has struggled with how clingy our dd is with me. He thinks I’m too soft and let 3.5 yr dd “control” me.
Whenever dd cries, whines etc if she doesn’t stop then he thinks she should go straight to the naughty area. If I hug her then this is me letting her “control” me. If he tells her off and she cries and runs to me I then get “told off” if I attempt to console her.
I always explain things to dd so she understands why she isn’t able to do something, he just shouts “no” and expects her to follow.
I admit that I probably am too soft as I have her more and she is very very clingy with me, always has being (me and dp don’t live together as he moved out 7 months ago due to arguining etc and he constantly blames me being soft on dd as the reason why we aren’t working) . I feel like he just uses it as an excuse!
He never sits down and discusses it rationally, usually when he is at the end of his tether and just shouts out stuff like “she walks all over you!!” Or “this is why we don’t live together!!”

He always makes me feel like I’m in the wrong.

If he’s moved out it’s time for you to look at co-parenting or parallel parenting strategies. Are you hoping he’ll move back in? Or relieved he’s gone?

Well why don’t you start with “ if you explain rather than just shout no then I’ll do x” where is x is one thing to help your daughter to be more independent. If the DD is your youngest then the older ones could become resentful too. However you need to actually make a decision on whether you want to compromise with your partner or not. It’s not clear in the OP.

Yeah I wouldn’t be putting up with that. I would tell him if he can’t parent property, without screaming and roaring and demanding, then he can’t come over to parent at all! He wants to see her? Let him take you to court!

He shouts at her for crying?

I wouldn’t bother inviting him to move back in, let him parent her when he has her on ‘his days’ and then let her phase him out when she’s old enough to decide for herself.

He sounds horrible.

He needs to move out permanently and for you to end the relationship he is blaming a child for your relationship breakdown that is so damaging to her.

He sounds awful.

He sounds really horrible and DD comes first. You are not in the wrong for consoling your upset 3 year old.

If you really feel there something to save in the relationship then maybe set aside some time to talk things through one evening when they are in bed. Make it clear you think he is completely unreasonable but otherwise just write the relationship off and never look back. She is his daughter and he's jealous of her!?!

It's really difficult and overall YA definitely NBU.

Was he anything like this with your other children? If not, it sounds like he's still resentful about having your youngest. It's understandable to feel stressed when you're looking after a young child, but after 3.5 years he really should have tried harder to work through any underlying resentment and learn to love your DD and parent her like any other child.

The only thing that jumped out at me as something done by you that might contribute to his resentment is the bit about him disciplining her and you comforting her. If he tells her off, she runs to you, and you console her without acknowledging what she did wrong, maybe he feels like you're undermining his 'parenting'? It obviously depends what you mean by console, I might be reading into that too much. If a kid does something wrong, one parent shouts, kid runs to the other parent doesn't acknowledge the problem, the child then may be more dismissive of discipline from the parent who told them off. But if by console you mean acknowledgement and then comfort, for example, "don't cry, you've said sorry now and that's good because it's important to apologise when we do something wrong, do you want a cuddle now" then that's very different isn't it, as it isn't undermining the other parent. No idea if that's an issue for you, I might be overthinking it, but it's the only part of your post that made me wonder whether YA sometimes BU.

But no, in general it doesn't seem like you're BU at all.

He sounds horrible and abusive.

He sounds horrendous and is abusing your dd. He’s gaslighting you in making you think this is your fault, and that roaring at a child is OK / your being “too soft” by being kind to your child.

Your poor little girl. She will be picking up on his feelings towards her which will be making her even more clingy to you. And it is completely normal for a 3 year old to want their mum. He sounds abusive - is she frightened of him? If I were you, I would be making plans to permanently end the relationship and protect your daughter. How is he with your older child?