Advice needed/ children & their dad

[Lostatthemoment]

will try to keep this long story short, marriage broke down in 2020, we have 3 children 11, 9 & 4, we own a house which I am in ( up for sale) and he is renting, of course I'm hurting and I had hoped things would have gotten easier by now but he is making my life a misery,...children go to him every second w/end, only the older children are not giving me positive vibes that they want to go eg last night their dad was shouting at the middle child on the phone for not having called him for 4 days ( I tell the kids every night call your dad, odd few nights I may forget to tell them,) obviously he thinks it is my doing when they dont call ( they have witnessed alot of their dads nasty behaviour towards me/ not physical but his tongue is not nice, I have a illness which he constantly wishes and insinuates will be the end of me soon..name calling etc, I have to sheild he takes the kids out in public places etc, so they are making up their own minds and our son the middle child just doesnt seem fussed about his dad) I don't know how to deal with it I don't know if I am manipulating without realising ( I could stop the children hearing his conversations , I shouldn't let them see he is making me miserable, I shouldn't let them pick up on how he is hurting me which is part of the reason I know they are trying to protect me and worried about not having their mum, but I do try to hide as much as I can they are clever) I sent a message last night telling him he was wrong go shout at our son, and that he does not want to go to his house this w/ end, which he did say because he knows he will have to listen to his dad constantly telling him off ( sons words)... my question is, is all this normal should I just ride with it and will it get better? Do I make the children go to his house when they say they don't want too? ( of course the break helps me but I worry he is mentally scarring them) I also know he loves them and needs to see them and that he will be suffering ( he wasn't a bad husband on the whole, just lazy and negative, grumpy he is quite older than me do I know he will be tired also and i was grumpy also, it ended due to him being unfaithful).. I want to move on, I hope one day we can both talk and the children will enjoy going to his house and not have to endure his nasty tongue specifically hearing nasty comments about their mum....How so I deal with all this, please offer advice!

To add to my post, he is not happy the house has not yet sold which is a big part of his anger as he wants his money, it has been on the market for 6 months, I want out of it also but he thinks I am trying to remain, I understand he must be struggling financially as he still pays 1/2 mortgage along with CM and his new rent ..I understand all this and I do want out so I can start to te build my life...

Stop messaging him (except for short factual messages if necessary regarding arrangements for the DC). No more emotional messages - step back completely from that kind of contact.

If he takes you to court in future, it will look bad if he says you have withheld contact, so keep facilitating contact eow (unless you genuinely believe there is abuse going on). When the DC are a bit older they can have more choice about whether : how much they want to see him.

I don't message him as a rule, I only sent that message last night as my son was crying and i have heard it before and said nothing, today my daughter has said without me asking I do not want to go to my dads on my own because he will shout at me for the fact that she also told her brother to call his dad...she does this to keep the peace, we have a legal document in place which states they go to see him every 2and w/ end, the youngest is happy to follow his siblings, their dad would not intentionally be cruel but he doesn't realise the effects his words are having on them so it is more mental abuse and I know it us down to his frustrations of the situation...( all my feelings aside, I want him to have a relationship with them) but he is making my life a misery also, I am so confused and torn between hating him for this whole situation and then wanting to be a good parent and stay decent knowing he needs his children and them a dad...

A good dad doesn’t wish his children’s mum dead, slag her off in front of them or take his frustration out on the kids

He’s an arse - listen to your kids - encourage contact but also tell him that his behaviour is upsetting them - if they refuse don’t force them

The situation with how he is towards the kids is horrible, hopefully folk will be along with advice for that.

If you have remained in the house, you should, in theory, be paying for the full mortgage (despite both of you being legally responsible for it - he pays his rent, you pay the mortgage using his CMS).

Once the house sells and you divorce, he will ONLY have to pay CMS, you will be expected to increase your income through work to cover the cost of running your own home (and he, his). What is the delay in the sale? Have you had offers? If not you should consider reducing the price, houses are selling like hot cakes at the monent: either of you could eventually go to court to force a sale

Legal doc with solicitor and it states he pays 1/2 mortgage which he put in & solicitor agreed he should (we are in Glasgow maybe different in Scotland ?) little movement with the house or viewings it is up for sale so I done see what he could do to force it apart from reducing price but I believeit is our locationnot pricethat is the issue we live remotely, I do work also, from home due to sheilding....

No, you absolutely don’t need to send your children to him especially if they don’t want to go. If he wants to see them, he can take you to court and even then, the judge might not think it’s in the children’s best interest as he seems to be verbally abusive!

Just seen you have visitation. If the child refuses to go because his father is being verbally abusive then I wouldn’t make him go. I would wait for him to take you to court and fight him all the way.

I believe it is our location not price that is the issue

If you drop the price low enough, it'll sell.

My sympathy. Things with my ex were certainly at their worst when we were waiting for the house to be sold. Him shouti g at his children will and is having it's own consequences. Do not make your children go if they don't want to. Keep a notebook detailing every change to the pattern, a simple log of the why'sand wherefores.

As previous advice. It's hard because you WANT the best for your children and probably another parent to rely on. But when your ex is like this you've got to close down. Stick to only messages, avoid the phone. Only message about child visits and keep to facts. Keep your opinions and advice to yourself.