to think that if you need to read the instructions on payslips as to how to open them...

[hunkermunker]

you probably aren't up to receiving payment.

I mean, fgs.

"remove these side edges first. Fold, crease and tear along dotted lines"

It's like that famous warning on the packet of peanuts - "May contain nuts"

You should meet some of the people I do payroll for then you would understand the need for instructions! And they are supposedly intellectual types!

I love the notes on cigarette lighters...

contains flammable liquid
do not light near face

I have started reading them as I can't work out how to open it without ripping it in half. Why can't it just be a piece of paper in an envelope like in the olden days?

GreatbighairyLapin, I was going to say about the nuts one Makes me laugh every time!!

Sorry, GreatBigHairyMonsterLapin that should be.....

anyone remember the guy in one of the Hitchhiker books...wonko the sane, I think he was called, who decided all the world was mad because there were instructions how to use a toothpick?

My fave is on our packet of Cereal.

"To open, slide finger under flap"

I like the 'Do not drive or use heavy machinery after taking this' that you get on Calpol...

I recently bought a pack of celery which was labelled "Allergy warning: contains celery."

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I was googling for a Bill Bryson quote and found the following - his is the Superman one, he reported it in one of his books/columns.

1. On a blanket from Taiwan -
   NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.

2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists -
   REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY
   BEHIND YOU.

3. On a Taiwanese shampoo -
   USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

4. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles
   OPEN OTHER END.

5. On a New Zealand insect spray -
   THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer -
   TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO
   WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING.
   (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful
   haemorrhoids
   LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO
   THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL
   DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5
   MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.

8. On the bottle-top of a British flavoured milk drink
   AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins -
   WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST
   CEREAL?

10. On a Sears hairdryer -
    DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

11. On a bag of Fritos -
    YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY.
    DETAILS INSIDE.

12. On a bar of Dial soap -
    DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.

13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom
    of the box)-
    DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.

14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -
    PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.

15. On a Korean kitchen knife -
    WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.

16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights -
    FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.

17. On a Japanese food processor -
    NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.

18. On Sainsbury's peanuts -
    WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.

19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts
    INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.

20. On a Swedish chainsaw -
    DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR
    HANDS OR GENITALS.

21. On a child's superman costume -
    WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.

22. On some frozen dinners
    SERVING SUGGESTION DEFROST.

23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box
    FITS ONE HEAD.

24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron
    DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.

25. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine
    DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.

26. On Nytol sleep aid
    WARNING MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.

i bought my mum a nice decorative cake sort of thing once for mothers day and i kid you not. it had instructions along the lines of:

open box, place on a flat surface and cut gently.

okaaaay

i wouldnt have thought of that.

Silica Gel - my Grandad is actually the person who put some in his tea thinking it to be sugar!

Cue quick call to NHS Direct.

It was okay for him in the end - diluted it with tea

Still - it does happen eh?

I like the label on teddy bears 'do not iron'

Who irons teddy bears