To feel this way about surprise pregnancy?

[Orangebitters]

I need a little handhold here, so please be kind to me...

I had been planning to get pregnant in the next few years (mid thirties) but at my age, and given some health issues I have, I had expected that it would be a journey. Instead, it was one-and-done and I feel completely unprepared and terrified. We were not TTC, but took a single risk given what I thought was very low likelihood of getting pregnant.

I’m surprised by how strongly and negatively I feel, and I’m horribly guilty about these emotions. It’s still very early so I know it may not stick, and I feel horrible for hoping that it doesn’t.

Like a lot of people, my mental health has suffered this past year and this news has completely overwhelmed me. I’m scared of losing my job which I just recently started, and love (Complicated but I don’t have usual employment protections). I travel a lot in my career (or I did pre covid) and I absolutely live for it. The thought of losing that forever makes me feel panicked. I thought I’d have a small opportunity to get my old life back, post covid... now I never will.

I should be treating this like a gift, like so many women do. What’s wrong with me?Has anyone ever unexpectedly felt like this before? Did it ever improve?

Give yourself a break. I was TTC but didn't expect it to happen so soon (didn't with my previous ones) so I also felt shocked. As the sickness kicked in I also regretted it for a while. I still feel worried if I've done the right thing.

It's all normal. Don't be surprised if you question having kids once you've had them as well.

Don't believe the adverts. It's a big deal and takes a while to get your head around, especially if you weren't actively trying to conceive.

Relax. Enjoy day by day things. At one point you'll come to terms with it and it'll all work out x

Are you set on continuing with the pregnancy? If you have doubts, a conversation with a Marie Stopes phone line (or similar) could be really useful.

I was TTC and even then there was some time after I found out I was pregnant that I wanted to cancel it. Emotions are weird. You get what you want too easily and we feel like we don’t want or deserve it. Give yourself a little time. From my friends I’d say what you’re feeling is pretty normal.

Do you actually want a child or did you just assume you would have one one day in the future without thinking about it too deeply? Having children isn't mandatory and if you've realised that actually it's not what you want then you still have some time to make a choice.

@Orangebitters I was ttc and when it happened I wasn’t over joyed or happy like I thought I would be. The first 12 weeks were hell but as it went on I couldn’t wait so believe me it’s normal. It’s a massive thing so try and relax but if these feelings don’t pass you must speak to someone.

I was typing a response because I’m in a similar position but I still haven’t accepted it enough to actually right down the words. But please know you aren’t alone or wrong in feeling this way.

Thank you everyone.
@WhereDoMyBluebirdsFly I think the way you've described it is accurate. I always assumed this would happen at some point, and that I'd 'miss out' if I didn't do it, but it always felt like more of a scary trade off that something I never desperately wanted. At this point, I don't think my partner could forgive me if I decided not to continue. If I were making the decision alone, it might be different.

@PrimeraVez sending a hug, I'm sorry you are going through this too.

than something I desperately wanted.

I was ttc for a year and when it happened I was like I’m not sure I want this. It took a couple of weeks to get my head around that I was pregnant and then I was completely overjoyed. It comes as a shock take some time to digest it.

Be easy on yourself, lots of people feel this way even when they’ve been trying for years to get pregnant. It’s a massive life change so it’s completely normal to feel like this. Have you spoke to your partner about how you feel?

Even after our IVF worked I felt a bit shocked! Be gentle with yourself.

With my last I came off the pill thinking ok we will give it a shot, I didn’t even get breakthrough bleeding I pregnant straight away. I was not happy tbh I’m not sure why because I wanted a baby and I love my youngest but I felt robbed of the “joy” of trying and the glass of wine I’d just poured before I tested because I had a niggly feeling. I remember pouring the glass down the sink and saying to dh tests up stairs for you to look at in the most pissed of voice ever.

Hi Orangebitters, your post really resonated with me and I am pregnant through IVF after several years TTC. Don’t be too hard on yourself and try to have a chat with your partner about how you feel. It’s a huge life change and quite a lot to come to terms with even if it is something that you do want.

Hi OP
this has resonated with me. I've never particularly wanted to be pregnant or have a baby. However I met my husband and naturally we want a family....it's weird because I feel very confused. I don't particularly want to carry a child, I'm career oriented I also pre covid travelled around the world for my job and so worried I'll have to give this up whereas men don't have to think about these things.
I'm 37 years old and have stage 4 endometriosis which means my fertility probably isn't great so both my gynaecologist and the general consensus is get on with it asap....it feels like it's now or never and additional pressure. But I also feel guilty for not being 100% sure.
I know my age and my illness will no doubt make it harder.
We started unprotected sex and in a few days I find out if I'm pregnant. I doubt I am but I am also very over whelmed and confused.
I've spent the last 20 years making sure I don't get pregnant!

I don't think I can give you any constructive advice but perhaps seeing other women feeling the same it'll make you realise that this is quite common and normal.

Ironically its women like us who over think it and worry that are probably the most sensible and will be good parents.

@Orangebitters can you see how common is it? Does that make you feel better? It’s one thing to want to be pregnant and another actually being it. But it is normal as I said I’m previous posts the first 12 weeks can be quite hard but once things settle and sink in if you still feel like this talk to doctor/midwife. Be kind to yourself ☺️

I think it is a huge change in mindset - you spend all you adult life trying not to get pregnant so on the once, twice or three times that you try to make a baby or take a risk as to the outcome, when you do become pregnant it’s a bit weird.
With your first as well you know that your life will change and you don’t really know. And yes for the first year or two or three it is very hard if you miss your old life. But there is absolutely no reason that following a small break you can’t go back to traveling, especially if you have a supportive partner. You don’t need to loose your career - would your partner go part time? You could both work full time.
You don’t have to have more than one child, so your life will return in a different way.
Your feelings are very normal so be kind to yourself.

It's really good to know I'm not alone and probably not crazy. Thank you everyone for sharing your feelings & advice

My partner is being supportive & understanding, but I think a bit head-in-sand- he thinks we'll still be able to travel and live our lives, that I'll still be able to travel for work, etc. He has a high pressure job and rarely takes time off anyway, so I don't really see how he thinks that'll be possible. I can imagine there's a lot of guilt associated with handing your child off to nannies etc and I couldn't expect my mum to take on that sort of responsibility.

As some pps have said, I'm worried that once I start feeling sick I won't be able to work properly, and I'll feel even worse about this. When should I expect the sickness to kick in? I've heard week 5 but the weeks and how they're defined are a bit confusing...

My worst fear is being resentful of a baby.

OP forget about your partner for a moment. Doesnt sound like he's the one whose life will be totally changed by its arrival. Do you want a baby now?

If you do then please have a detailed chat with your do about what is going to change once you both become parents. The quickest route to resentment is when you are pulled in all directions be work/childcare/homecare whilst he carries on as normal. How is he going to change his working life to accommodate fatherhood? And whilst you're at it I'd suggest you talk about how you are going to be financially protected going forward.

@Orangebitters

It's really good to know I'm not alone and probably not crazy. Thank you everyone for sharing your feelings & advice

My partner is being supportive & understanding, but I think a bit head-in-sand- he thinks we'll still be able to travel and live our lives, that I'll still be able to travel for work, etc. He has a high pressure job and rarely takes time off anyway, so I don't really see how he thinks that'll be possible. I can imagine there's a lot of guilt associated with handing your child off to nannies etc and I couldn't expect my mum to take on that sort of responsibility.

As some pps have said, I'm worried that once I start feeling sick I won't be able to work properly, and I'll feel even worse about this. When should I expect the sickness to kick in? I've heard week 5 but the weeks and how they're defined are a bit confusing...

My worst fear is being resentful of a baby.

I never had sickness. You probably can travel for work but you will need to put up with mum guilt sadly but to be honest you get that even just going back to work or sending them to nursery but obviously most people do. My friend travelled a lot for work when her baby was still very young but luckily her husband was always home in the evenings. Some couples go on round the world trips with babies, I personally would never find the energy for that but I can find the blogs I read if it helps.

@Porcupineintherough

OP forget about your partner for a moment. Doesnt sound like he's the one whose life will be totally changed by its arrival. Do you want a baby now?

If you do then please have a detailed chat with your do about what is going to change once you both become parents. The quickest route to resentment is when you are pulled in all directions be work/childcare/homecare whilst he carries on as normal. How is he going to change his working life to accommodate fatherhood? And whilst you're at it I'd suggest you talk about how you are going to be financially protected going forward.

Read my last post but I also agree with this.

Thank you @LouiseTrees, I'd be grateful for any inspiring blogs you can share....

blog.feedspot.com/travelling_with_baby_blogs/

There are 20 listed on this link but so many more. Can’t find the one that really inspired me in my bookmarks but these are all also point stories about travelling with kids.

Positive even not point

Thank you @LouiseTrees